As I sit here in the dark, fighting back the tears while I’m lost in the thoughts and memories of what we once had.
The pain..it can hurt so much that it makes all else seem not to matter.
How can something you wanted so much not work out the way you’d always hoped?
I loved you with all my heart, gave our relationship everything, but still, I’m alone and trying to hold it together.. and failing.
Tears flow down my cheeks as the images of us cascade across my mind as what we had makes me smile..and cry.
Yes, there were amazing moments and beautiful memories, but there were also angry fights and hurtful words.
There’s so much I wish I could take back and change, but we can’t undo the damage that’s been done.
I try to tell myself that we will still work out, that we will find a way, but deep down, I know this is goodbye.
I don’t know where we went wrong or exactly why we fell apart, because there was so much love there-
But sometimes, love just isn’t enough.
Things started slipping through my fingers as we grew apart and every disagreement caused our hearts to become a little more bitter.
I close my eyes and I just try to stop the thoughts, the memories, the pain..but I can’t.
Everything is too fresh and too real.
I never knew emotional pain could feel so physical and so intense, until now.
It’s in those moments, at our lowest, that we approach the crossroads.
I was standing there, in my overwhelming grief, not knowing what to do or how I would make it through this..
A bleep from my phone drew my attention and i wiped my eyes and tried to see through my tear stained vision.
Words from one of my oldest and dearest friends.
“If it wasn’t meant to be, nothing you can do will change that..don’t spend so long staring at a lost past that you forget how to embrace a beautiful future of possibility..”
I smiled and shook my head at those beautiful words.
Sometimes, when you’re at your lowest, you will see a sign..it was up to me to take it to heart.
But she was so right..I was so focused on the why of what happened that I would never make peace with it until i let it go.
I had to accept it so my heart could begin to heal.
I may never know the why or how, only that it did.
I’d never see the new doors opening if I kept staring at the closed door of us.
I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply and made myself a promise I would remind myself of every single day.
What’s meant to be will always find a way, and my future and happiness is all in my hands.
If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me.
I’m letting go of the past to make room for what may be..
I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I know for reasons I can’t explain,
That someday,
I will look back and know exactly why it had to happen...and smile,
Because my broken road led me right to where I always needed to be.