u are younique, you are valid!

Last Saturday, our org conducted a virtual event about mental health entitled "Get a Grip: End the Stigma". I won't really talk about it but let me tell you this line which one of our speakers has said.

"Just be shy, but still type anyway."

For the context, she started her talk by asking the audience what they know about mental health. And while waiting for comments, she kind of say the phrase "don't be shy" but immediately take it back and said the words which I mentioned above.

I don't know if it is just me but as soon as I heard her say it, she completely caught my attention because those simple statements that she said just feels so validating and encouraging at the same time.

I mean, nowadays, people are becoming more and more insensitive making others feel invalidated without them knowing it. You see, there are people who are naturally shy and they lack confidence, and there are people who will try to encourage them by saying don't be shy as if shyness would easily go away the moment they said it. Don't get me wrong, I know most of the people who are saying those phrases meant well but I just realized recently how invalidating that statement can be. It's as if that someone who is feeling shy doesn't have the right to feel that way.

Of course, that was not the only time wherein we could accidentally make someone feel invalidated. I remember us arguing one time over tortang talong just because I prefer mine toasted while someone at home prefer hers just slightly cooked. She said that whenever I cooked tortang talong, it's always burnt. This might be petty but that statement could be invalidating too. Just because we have different preference, mine felt like wrong and she is right. (This is just an example. Promise, I've already moved on from this scenario. LOL)

Additionally, I often hear some invalidating statements from students on different grade or year levels. Common scenario is like this:

Failed exam.

Senior high school student crying over it while ranting how hard the topic is.

College student side comment: wait till you get in college! Failed exam will already be normal. (And other side comments completely not acknowledging what the senior high school student has been feeling at that moment)

I'm actually also guilty with that sample I made but I have already learned my lesson. It's high time that we accept differences. That's how they feel at that moment, and that is valid. We can't always force people to be on our shoes just so we could prove our point. We don't have to complicate things and argue who is right and wrong because when it comes to feelings, preferences, and the likes, we are all different. No one is right and wrong, and everyone's own self is valid.

It's okay.

I haven't realize how invalidating this statement could be until recently. We keep saying it's okay even though it's not really okay. We keep obsessing for things to be all okay when it is clearly not. It took us a long time before accepting that it is okay not being okay.

We thought saying that word is comforting without knowing that we are invalidating someone's feeling by insisting that it's okay when that someone is not okay. We keep repeating it over and over again instead of resorting to other statements like: "I am here for you." or saying the truth that "it's not okay for now but it will be okay soon, it will just take time, but everything will be okay at the right time". Or something that will not sound like we're forcing that someone to be okay.

Active listening.

So, here's a way on how we can be more sensitive not to make others feel invalidated. And that is the practice of active listening.

As I have said, most of the time, we were saying invalidating words unconsciously and I think, that is because we always feel the need to say something which we think is encouraging at the moment. But what we are forgetting is that words are not the only thing we can use to let others feel our presence. It's not all words because there are those people who just wanted to be heard. There are people who just wanted to let their emotions out without anyone judging them or without anyone telling them that what they feel is wrong.

And may that be a lesson to everyone of us not to say words hastily. We must listen first, assess the situation, and don't make any statement that is contradicting to what they have said. I mean, if they are really wrong and needs some correction, then go on. But when it comes to what they feel, we should always acknowledge how they feel and not be affected by our own take on that matter. Because that's how they feel, and it is valid.

To you who is reading this, whatever you are feeling right now, know that you are entitled for that. You might not be okay right now but that's alright. You won't get okay instantly but that feeling will surely not remain forever.

Also, may this be a reminder for you to always be sensitive to what others feel, and to be always careful with your words.

And remember that you are your own you. You are unique. You have your own voice and you can use that for you to be heard. Lastly, let me just say this again one more time. "You are valid!"

:))