Should I Continue? (An Update)

Before I'll start discussing the real topic of this article, allow me first to greet you all guys a warmest Hi & Hello!!!!

I miss you all so much! I miss writing an article! I miss exchanging thoughts here with the other writers! I miss this platform so bad! I miss read.cash! Ughhh, I. JUST. MISS. THIS.

So back to the real game.

As I was writing this, I'm infront of my laptop, inside my room alone, doing some school works. I'm actually in the middle of finalizing my report on one of my major subject late at this hours when thoughts and emotions came crashing down again.

Thoughts and emotions I always fear about. Because I know for sure that I'll be drowning again by it and no one will ever try to save me. No one but myself alone.

I know some of you are confused and clueless why I don't write an article the past few days. And some of you are actually asking why I don't publish an article.

I am writing this not only to answer all your cluelessness. I am writing this to ease my feelings. I am writing this because I know that I have to, that I need to.

I need to release all the unhealthy thoughts and emotions in my system. I don't want to be consumed by all of it. That's why I am writing this now and you are reading this, at this moment.

The past few days had been very bad to me. I feel demotivated in life. I feel like I'm useless. It feels like I'm alone, unwanted, and unloved. I doubted my self worth. My life in those days are in full darkness. I'm lost, really lost.

I cannot say that it was a depression. I don't want to self diagnose of course. But having the little knowledge about mental and emotional disorder as a second year Psychology student, I can somehow say that it was a mild depresision. And it was my first time experiencing that. It was a horrific week of my life.

Aside from extreme sadness, I cannot eat and sleep properly. I have difficulty in thinking and concentration. I don't have a peace of mind. Uncertainties and overthinking consumed me.

A lot of things happened. Anxiety happened. Overthinking happened. Stress happened. I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired. Even spiritually because my faith was challenged.

The first reason why I somehow stopped writing the past few days is because Rusty did not visit my previous articles. And I don't even know why. Let's not be hypocrite here. To earn is one of our many reasons why we keep on publishing an article here. And putting all your efforts in writing an article and not recognized by the bot is really heartbreaking.

I'm just sad because this platform helped me a lot especially financially. It helped me a lot in financing my online classes. I don't ask money to my parents anymore because of this earning site. And it is because of the generous upvote of some users here and of course our beloved @RandomRewarder. And now, I received nothing.

Honestly, five of my articles are not recognized by Rusty. At first I thought it was just normal. So I still keep on writing eventhough I did not received anything from Rusty. And of course, it is because it is not only about the earnings why I am here. I am enjoying here. I have a lot of friends here already that's why I still keep on publishing.

But as days passed by, I'm slowly losing my will to write. The fact that Rusty is one of our motivators in writing an article here and you'll not meet him on the way will somehow affect your willingness and eagerness to write.

But that's not the real reason. That's not the real battle. The real battle that I faced alone. The real battle that even my family and friends didn't know about.

When Rusty did not visited my articles, I asked my friend regarding it. And she advised me to lielow in publishing an article for a while. She said that I should rest maybe for three to four days. So I followed her.

Little did I know that four days will become more than a week because of unexpected things.

Our second semester started and the mental and physical exhaustion was overwhelming. School works here, school works there. It was really tiring.

And then one day, a big revelation happened in our family. And it was the time that I almost lose my sanity. It maybe cliche to you but my world and dreams really crashed. It feels like I was left behind. It feels like the only allie I have in a battle field left me.

It was when my sister told us that she is pregnant.

I should be rejoicing for the new life. I should be congratulating her. But I just can't. My heart is breaking. I am badly hurt because I am now alone chasing all the dreams that we build together for our parents.

Yes, it should not be a big deal at all to our family because she graduated college. She graduated four years degree course. And she has a boyfriend. But for me, it seems wrong and not okay becuase she doesn't prove anything at all in life. And what I know is a child must pay her parent's effort and sacrifices first before building his/her own family which in her case, is imposible now to happen.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed to her. I hate her. Am I that bad to feel that? She's so unfair. She did not even think the dreams and plans we have for our parents.

Also, I cannot imagine the pain and disappointments that my parents, especially my mama, are feeling now. I am sad for her. My heart is breaking seeing my mama cried. That's the least thing I would ever want to see my whole life.

I'm in so much pain but I did not commented at all to the situation. I did not comfronted her. She doesn't heard anything from me. Because I know I have no rights to scold her. I am just her sibling. And I cannot do anything at all, it happened already. It is what it is now.

I remain silent. I will just lock my self up in my room and cry alone. The feeling that every night you are drowning in so much pain? It was horrible. She is just so f$ckng unfair!

Now, as you are reading this, I am silently crying again. Thinking how we planned to give our mama and papa a comfortable life? Thinking how we dream to give everything to our little siblings? Thinking she will now getting married and building her own family instead of chasing those dreams? I cannot even explain the pain. It makes me weak. It's ovewhelming.

But you know what? As I was writing this I realized I can still make it happen. I will fullfil those dreams alone. I will do my very best to give the best life that my parents deserved. Even without my sister anymore.

And that's the battle I faced alone.

Now, if you would ask me, SHOULD I CONTINUE?

Writing;

Loving;

Forgiving; and

LIVING.

OF COURSE YES.

Life is an endless battle that we need to face everyday. And just what I always say, I trust God's plan. In Him, nothing is imposible.

"When all else fails, GOD DOESN'T."

Psalm 73:26

It's okay not to be okay.

It's okay to have mistakes.

It's okay to not have it all figured out yet.

It's okay to have bad days.

IT'S OKAY IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING TODAY :)))

good night universe.

-@illustrious