Should I Continue? (An Update)

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Avatar for illustrious
2 years ago

Before I'll start discussing the real topic of this article, allow me first to greet you all guys a warmest Hi & Hello!!!!

I miss you all so much! I miss writing an article! I miss exchanging thoughts here with the other writers! I miss this platform so bad! I miss read.cash! Ughhh, I. JUST. MISS. THIS.


So back to the real game.

As I was writing this, I'm infront of my laptop, inside my room alone, doing some school works. I'm actually in the middle of finalizing my report on one of my major subject late at this hours when thoughts and emotions came crashing down again.

Thoughts and emotions I always fear about. Because I know for sure that I'll be drowning again by it and no one will ever try to save me. No one but myself alone.

I know some of you are confused and clueless why I don't write an article the past few days. And some of you are actually asking why I don't publish an article.

I am writing this not only to answer all your cluelessness. I am writing this to ease my feelings. I am writing this because I know that I have to, that I need to.

I need to release all the unhealthy thoughts and emotions in my system. I don't want to be consumed by all of it. That's why I am writing this now and you are reading this, at this moment.

The past few days had been very bad to me. I feel demotivated in life. I feel like I'm useless. It feels like I'm alone, unwanted, and unloved. I doubted my self worth. My life in those days are in full darkness. I'm lost, really lost.

I cannot say that it was a depression. I don't want to self diagnose of course. But having the little knowledge about mental and emotional disorder as a second year Psychology student, I can somehow say that it was a mild depresision. And it was my first time experiencing that. It was a horrific week of my life.

Aside from extreme sadness, I cannot eat and sleep properly. I have difficulty in thinking and concentration. I don't have a peace of mind. Uncertainties and overthinking consumed me.

A lot of things happened. Anxiety happened. Overthinking happened. Stress happened. I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired. Even spiritually because my faith was challenged.

The first reason why I somehow stopped writing the past few days is because Rusty did not visit my previous articles. And I don't even know why. Let's not be hypocrite here. To earn is one of our many reasons why we keep on publishing an article here. And putting all your efforts in writing an article and not recognized by the bot is really heartbreaking.

I'm just sad because this platform helped me a lot especially financially. It helped me a lot in financing my online classes. I don't ask money to my parents anymore because of this earning site. And it is because of the generous upvote of some users here and of course our beloved @RandomRewarder. And now, I received nothing.

Honestly, five of my articles are not recognized by Rusty. At first I thought it was just normal. So I still keep on writing eventhough I did not received anything from Rusty. And of course, it is because it is not only about the earnings why I am here. I am enjoying here. I have a lot of friends here already that's why I still keep on publishing.

But as days passed by, I'm slowly losing my will to write. The fact that Rusty is one of our motivators in writing an article here and you'll not meet him on the way will somehow affect your willingness and eagerness to write.

But that's not the real reason. That's not the real battle. The real battle that I faced alone. The real battle that even my family and friends didn't know about.

When Rusty did not visited my articles, I asked my friend regarding it. And she advised me to lielow in publishing an article for a while. She said that I should rest maybe for three to four days. So I followed her.

Little did I know that four days will become more than a week because of unexpected things.

Our second semester started and the mental and physical exhaustion was overwhelming. School works here, school works there. It was really tiring.

And then one day, a big revelation happened in our family. And it was the time that I almost lose my sanity. It maybe cliche to you but my world and dreams really crashed. It feels like I was left behind. It feels like the only allie I have in a battle field left me.

It was when my sister told us that she is pregnant.

I should be rejoicing for the new life. I should be congratulating her. But I just can't. My heart is breaking. I am badly hurt because I am now alone chasing all the dreams that we build together for our parents.

Yes, it should not be a big deal at all to our family because she graduated college. She graduated four years degree course. And she has a boyfriend. But for me, it seems wrong and not okay becuase she doesn't prove anything at all in life. And what I know is a child must pay her parent's effort and sacrifices first before building his/her own family which in her case, is imposible now to happen.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed to her. I hate her. Am I that bad to feel that? She's so unfair. She did not even think the dreams and plans we have for our parents.

Also, I cannot imagine the pain and disappointments that my parents, especially my mama, are feeling now. I am sad for her. My heart is breaking seeing my mama cried. That's the least thing I would ever want to see my whole life.

I'm in so much pain but I did not commented at all to the situation. I did not comfronted her. She doesn't heard anything from me. Because I know I have no rights to scold her. I am just her sibling. And I cannot do anything at all, it happened already. It is what it is now.

I remain silent. I will just lock my self up in my room and cry alone. The feeling that every night you are drowning in so much pain? It was horrible. She is just so f$ckng unfair!

Now, as you are reading this, I am silently crying again. Thinking how we planned to give our mama and papa a comfortable life? Thinking how we dream to give everything to our little siblings? Thinking she will now getting married and building her own family instead of chasing those dreams? I cannot even explain the pain. It makes me weak. It's ovewhelming.

But you know what? As I was writing this I realized I can still make it happen. I will fullfil those dreams alone. I will do my very best to give the best life that my parents deserved. Even without my sister anymore.

And that's the battle I faced alone.


Now, if you would ask me, SHOULD I CONTINUE?

Writing;

Loving;

Forgiving; and

LIVING.

OF COURSE YES.

Life is an endless battle that we need to face everyday. And just what I always say, I trust God's plan. In Him, nothing is imposible.

"When all else fails, GOD DOESN'T."

Psalm 73:26


It's okay not to be okay.

It's okay to have mistakes.

It's okay to not have it all figured out yet.

It's okay to have bad days.

IT'S OKAY IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING TODAY :)))

good night universe.

-@illustrious

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Avatar for illustrious
2 years ago

Comments

You know what having a child even if they are not stable yet is not the end of the world. Your sister can do anything in the future and the child is not a hindrance. you should not feel bad about having a niece sooner, I am pretty sure once the baby is born you will eat what you are feeling right now and it will be changed into admiration for the kid. Your sister has her own life and decision. She can help your parents back in other way around just don't judge her that she can't anymore just because she got pregnant. I am sorry for not siding your emotions but I know for sure your sister is also sad, and being sad is not good for a pregnant woman because it will affect the child development. Everything has a reason.

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2 years ago

Siguro nga po ate. I will take that advise na lang po hehe Maraming salamat po :)

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Kaya mo yan at maintindihan mo rin yan balang araw 😊 fight lang. Tsaka sa bot, active lang comments and read articles onti para makita nang bot na tao gumagamit nang account hehe

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Hi, tine. It's unfortunate to read an article like this. I felt the pain. Things are tough at the moment because you are still trying to sink in all of it. However, there's one thing I'm very sure of, it will pass. Things don't always happen the way we expect them to be but God has a reason for it. Have faith, tine. ❀

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2 years ago

I hope so too ate :(((

Salamat po. Maraming salamat po talaga.

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2 years ago

Hello, alam mo ba naiyak ako. Kasi kagaya ako ng ate mo. Oo , graduate din ako pero nabuntis din after 1 yr at gang ngayon ala pang rin work dahil postpone ang ranking. I am not defending your ate because we were the same. Pero isipin mo rin kung ano pinag dadaanan nya ngayon. Alam ko, iniisip nya mga pangako nya para sa parents nyo. Alam mo ba nunh nalaman ko na buntis ako, sinabi ko agad sa papa at mama ko kasi nag wowork ako sa private nun ng bigla ako nag kasakit. Mula ng naka geaduate ako, d na ko humingi ni piso sa parents ko kasi gusto ko ako ang gagastos sa pang board exam ko. Di pa ko buntis nun, thanks to God nakapasa ako. Nung naghahanap ako ng work, magkasama na kami sa iisang bahay ng asawa ko na ngayon at alam ng parents ko yun. Siguro d ako guilty nung nalaman ko na buntis ako kasi plano namin mag asawa yun. Hindi naman kasi ibig sabihin na pag nabuntis na d na marunong tumanaw sa mga magulang. Kagaya ko ngayon, oo wala pa ko trabaho pero may kunting negosyo kami ng asawa ko kasi teacher na sya, para may maibigay ako sa parents ko at pangtustos sa pag aaral ng mga kapatid ko. Sa awa ng Diyos wala ako narinig sa mga magulang ko.
Mag usap kayo ng ate nyo, hindi sya bumitaw, sadyang may plano ang Diyos sa kanya kaya nangyari sa kanya yan. Alam ko nag iisip na ang ate mo paano makabawi. Pero alam mo ba na kailangan nya kayo ng pamilya nya ngayon? Siguro, oo nasaktan ka kasi sa nangyari na parang iniwan ka sa ere ng ate mo, pero hindi. Hindi basta basta bibitaw ang ate. Ako kasi, kahit nagkaanak na ko ngayon pilit ko inaabot pangarap ko para sa magulang ko. Sa awa ng Diyos kahit wala pa ko trabaho ,natutustusan ko pangangailang nila. Wag mo lng husagahan c ate mo. Balang araw maintindihan mo rin 😊😊😊

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2 years ago

I didn't read your comments, and I am amazed we have the same sentiments about her situation.

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2 years ago

☺️☺️☺️ thank you and you noticed my reply. Oo , kasi nasa ganun situation kasi ako. Kahit naman na nag asawa na ko, d nmn ibig sabihin nun kakalimutan ko na mga magulang at kapatid ko. Well, depende rin kasi sa tao yun.

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2 years ago

Yes, I agree dependi talaga sa tao yan.. Kaya nila yan. Walang pagsubok na di kaya lampasan.

$ 0.05
2 years ago

Tama. Di tayo bibigyan ni Lord ng pagsubok na di natin kaya malampasan. 😊 Balang araw matatanggap din nya lahat. Ako nga natanggap ko pamangkin ko nung nauna mabuntis kapatid ko at muntik pa nag hiwalay parents namin dahil dun sa tatay ng bata. Tapos d pa sya pinanagutan. Sa awa ng Diyos ,okay na family namin. Basta walang bitawan. D ibig sabihin na may kanya kanya ng pamilya d na maabot ang pangarap para sa magulang.

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2 years ago

Wala po ako ate sa sitwasyon niyo pero ramdam ko yung mga nararamdaman niyo patungkol don sa ate mo (kung yung kapatid ko ganyan, baka mabugbog ko kapag nakabuntis pero bata pa lang yon). Yung kay rusty naman, sa akin naman napakatumal kainis. Maybe kailangan ko lang maging active, basa basa ng articles saka comment. Ganon kasi ginagawa ko eh. Kaya niyo po yan

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2 years ago

salamat :)))

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2 years ago

That's why nawala nalang biglang ang cute na eggy may kinakaharap ka palang problema. Well, if it's me din siguro ganyan din ang mararamdaman ko sa una. Yong ang dami nyong pangarap sa parents nyo sabay pa kaung nangarap tapos sya ang unang... ahh I really don't kmow what to say. Wala akong alam sa ganitong sitwasyon.

Basta bata, wag ka nalang magpaka isip. Isipin mo nalang na after 9 months may dadating sa inyong munting anghel na I'm surr kagigiliwan nyo din lalo na ni maders nyo magiginh lola na kaya sya. Just pray and talk to Him nalang na sana malampasan nyo ang mga problemang darating. Para namam hindi masyadong mahirap. Pmakatatag ka wag kang papatalo sa depression. Isipin mo, pag nagpatalo ka jan baka hindi kana juwain. Ay wait lang wala namang connect. Haha tawa kana bata pero wag sobrahan yong sakto lang dapat.

Fighting bata πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ˜šπŸ˜šπŸ˜šπŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

$ 0.00
2 years ago

halla, salamat sa upvote ate!!! 😭 akala ko binisita na ako ulit ni Rusty ate kasi biglang lumaki pera ko hahahaahaha

salamat ate kasi kahit papaano gumaan pakiramdam ko huhu maraming salamat talaga :))

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2 years ago

Sure sure πŸ€—, okay kana ngayon no? Wag kana magpaka isip. Si crush nalang isipin mo para lalo kang masaktan, chorrr haha.

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2 years ago

uhm, hey. by the looks if it, I can say that it's quite tough. I don't have the right to say that I understand everything coz no, I don't. Every pain is unique and only you can feel that. I don't have a lot of words to comfort you but I am delighted to know that you chose to continue, that you will continue.

Anyway, that phase where you are in right now, it'll pass. And you do not need to face that alone. Seek God, cry unto Him and He'll ease all those pain. Sharing to you James 1:2-3 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

We might not know each other that well but I just wanna say, I got you. I'll be praying for you and your family. Also, if there's a way to connect with you thru any socmed sites, just let me know. :)

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2 years ago

Maraming salamat Mary. Salamat talaga.

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2 years ago

always. :) laban lang bhie. :))

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2 years ago