Dealing with theory, or spec as is commonly said in the business, is a shorthand method of saying that nobody entirely me or cares on the off chance that I exist.
At the point when I compose a book, it begins with a sketch faker that I make without anybody having requested it. I have no clue on the off chance that somebody will like it or need to distribute it. It's simply me, alone at my work area, perspiring the subtleties, trusting that it, and I, will at last discover endorsement and acceptance.This would be hard for anybody, yet it's something or other that I've reproduced from my life that is additionally horrendously recognizable.
Working under agreement has its own pressing factors, yet in any event I realize that somebody, some place has some interest in the thing I'm doing. Composing on spec offers no such consolation.
At the point when I talk publically, which I have worked really hard of keeping away from, I think that its horrendous except if it's Q&A. Regardless of what the inquiry might be, it's such a ton simpler for me to talk realizing that at any rate one individual needs to hear what I need to say. Yet, that is one more individual than I have when I compose.
I've gone through years dealing with full-length book recommendations that I've never sold, and that nobody has at any point known about. The entirety of the time I spent on them, alongside the sandwiches, electrical flow, and hot showers that I burned-through during that time, has created nothing of significant worth to others. This hasn't served to fill me with a staggering feeling of significant worth and confirmation.
This sort of work is presumably not the most ideal decision for somebody like me who has undeniably a greater number of questions than certainty. What's more, who factors utility utilization into the monetary record of individual worth. It's a head-scratcher why somebody with no benchmark of self-esteem and natural worth would decide to live this way.
In any case, until I can sort out another thing to do that may give me a superior sense that I exist and matter, at any rate it is great to slowly inhale and reflect, expect, and acknowledge the spirit destroying preliminaries of dealing with spec.
I feel the same sometimes... Uncertain,
While I can gladly help people for free or small amount of money, and I do that all the time... The idea of working in one "set" field, or working by someone else's rules is a nightmare to me.
I'm technically a NEET right now. (Look it up~) If you saw my latest articles, you'll find that I can't stay on one topic for a long period of time. (You'll see that I go back to previous topic to finish them sometimes.)
I think it's okay to live like that.
It's okay to not have self-esteem for a while... The moment that you feel negative about your lack of self-esteem it will get worse.
It's like dealing with grief, if you left it alone, it will heal. Some people heal in a day and some take 10 years, but it will take longer if you think negatively.
Don't worry about it & Live!