@heartbeat1515
Silent loneliness It was good to have a personal space, to be able to decide without too much restriction and to be slightly free from a person that always want to be in charge of me. I thought that I was ready to let go of this person but every time I think of him, I will feel very lonely inside of me. I wanted to have him as my companion for the rest of my life but I am scared that he is never going to recover and be sane again. He did not even realize all the insanities that he had done and kept blaming me for trying to put him back on track.
He has been wasting 44 years of his life doing unnecessary and none profiting things in life. I felt that he had been given a lot of chances to recuperate and start a new life but due to his stubborn ego, he lost everything precious to him. Most said that there is no turnback point for the thing he started therefore I should just let go of him. He kept asking me to be honest, to be humble, and to be sincere but all that he has given to me are lies, insecurities, and disappointments.
I feel like an unwanted teddy bear. Thinking back to all the years that we had spent together, now I am not sure if he ever love me sincerely at all. It is all about giving me what I want but does he sincerely doing it? I don't know. Perhaps he doesn't. We never had the same thoughts, never agreed on the same things, and no more hugs or kisses for years. I might have lost the one I believe that is love a long time ago but I am denying the fact. There is no longer a sign that he still loves me since years ago. He only wants to be the bos of me and he is very demanding that I follow everything that he said or told me to do.
He had been out of reach for so many years and I kept on struggling to hold on. He had that expression for so long. That blank expression and all those acting he made to make me believe. Is it real or is it fake? Only he knows the answer. Life has not been easy for both of us. No improvement in my life since I am with him. Perhaps it is time for me to let go and for him to free himself from the responsibilities of others and start focusing on being responsible do himself.
Only he alone can open the lock that prevents him from getting the happiness he wished for. A friend said to me, "separation does not always mean that it will be forever. It is also a way to give chances to each other and give time for healing". Keep calm and do what we can do in the current situation. Slow and steady win the race.
2 comments
My ex lived in a different world. The world other people lived in drove him crazy. A she saw his sister on the street he hid and thought she was the devil (his sister told me). Seems he had mental health issues since he left the army which I never knew. He was selfish, very selfish, far of attentive, lazy and let me down in every way (children included). I do believe you can't blame a sick person for acting strange. If he ever loved me? I believe in his own way. We lost contact but I think he changed today, found peace and lives a different life hopefully without drugs. P.s. if it comes to reality do not think the crazy man speaks nonsense they seldom do and have a good eye for what's going on in the world, long before we realize it. 🍀💖
I am taking all the sentences he said to me into consideration for my every decision. I don't think that he would want to suffer with me anymore therefore I will take the time to tell him that he can go. The truth is that I want him to go. Maybe at this moment. Not sure if I am going to change my decision later.