In this world, there are two types of person; one who is open about her/his thoughts, and one who likes to keep a secret and seclude her/himself from everyone. I can be both. Sometimes, I am comfortable sharing how I feel and such, but most of the time, I keep everything to myself because of the fear that they might change their perspective of me. I am also worried that I might disturb people, knowing that they have problems also.
In this time of pandemic, I noticed that I have developed odd mannerisms. Maybe because of stress and pressure, I don't really know. And I am ready to share this to you because I can't tell this to my family. This maybe petty for you, but this is a big deal for me. I will now share one of the skeletons in my closet.
This started when face-to-face class was turned into Modular learning. I became so stressed because it is so hard to adjust and to answer the modules without guidance. I lost the time for myself. I was so focused that I often forget to eat and help other in our household. That's when I noticed that whenever I am stressed or angry, I can't help but to hurt myself. I do not attempt suicide or such. I do not think of slicing my wrist. However, because of so much anxiety, I feel numb and I want to feel alive. So, I always do everything to myself so that I will be able to feel. Most of the time, I can't help but to dig my nails to my hands until I feel the sting. I scratch my arm, I rub my hand so hard that it turns red afterwards. I bite my lips so hard. Sometimes, I bump my head into the wall and punch myself. I want to pour my heart out and cry, but myself won't allow it. There is no tears and that add so much stress because even if I want to just cry and ignore my anxiety, I can't do it. It was so hard because I can't cry how much I want to. But the hardest part? No member of my family knows about this. I do not have the courage to tell them. I am afraid that they might tell that I am just sensitive and acting. I know that they have problems to and I don't want to be a burden to them so I keep this to myself. But I am forcing to stop hurting myself now. I want to be healed and get better. I know I will be better.
This is for me, a glimpse of the skeletons in my closet. I feel a little light now because I am able to share this. Now, for the people out there suffering form anxiety, stress or depression. You will be healed. Just pray and come to Him. He will help you. Be better for your love ones. Find an inspiration to live. We can survive this. Just trust Him.