Trying to Breathe in Fear of Loss

I want to leave myself to myself with reckless behavior. In fact, while time was passing at a speed that could only be experienced, I was trying to follow the foam on the beach with meaningless plural thoughts on the beach beach with reckless looks.

As I dreamed of what was going through my mind with my dream-weary gaze in the time close to the evening after noon, I was trying to stop dreaming after what I had lost in most of them and try to exist in the future life.

Most thoughts seemed to hurt my soul with strange and thinned pains inside me. How much had slipped away from my life.

There were a few things I didn't want to forget and a person I cared about that caused pain in my heart. In fact, I had gotten to know him years later when I was trying to cope with the pains of an old love that had taken a long time to penetrate into my soul of this person who had a deep playful memory and intelligence and who ruled the depths of my soul. These days, thinking about the struggle he made to keep me alive with his kindness and deep thoughts only strengthened my extreme fondness for him.

I think he was experiencing times that were not at all easy for me to live in, with his words of love and his extraordinary effort to distract me from what I had experienced before, without expectation or out of the blue. And I was trying, for the sake of his dignity, to hold on to the life I had gradually given up.

With his extraordinary patience and intelligence, I think he was living his unexpected times while he was trying with me for years to help me find my inner peace in these dark times.

And I was afraid of him, as I held on to life with the sentences of happiness I wrote and said to him. And as I held on to life with his sacrifices, he was entering the enthusiastic life with his victory in me with the life energy I gained. His joy of life was increasing with my staying healthy in my effort to hold on to life. As I regained my health with his patience and the extraordinary support he gave me, the smiles on his face were increasing.

And I was addressing her with special words such as "my smiling one, my laughing one" in all periods of time extending over the years.

And I had no doubt that he would remain with such feelings for the rest of my life. Even in my worst days, he made me breathe easy with such feelings. When I called him "my smiling face", I always dreamed that these feelings would last for years. As I told him about the painful pages of my past, I later learned that it was as if he was taking photographs of the pain of his own past.

Suddenly I felt a different touch on my right arm near my wrist. A ladybug had jumped on my arm from the beach. I tried to pick it up gently, without startling it, on the big finger of my left hand, and it was still on my fingernail, docile.

It is a strange event and it made me turn to it, detaching me from all dreams. Undoubtedly, this attitude has brought about important changes in my life in my favor.

At the last moment a word or a name came to my mind and I shuddered. And my pen fell from my hand. "You are my ladybug," I had said to her in an afternoon correspondence many years ago, and I had added, "you connect me to life," and I was feeling comfort in my slow breathing.

You know, I called you "my laughing one," When I was saying "my smiling face" and expressing these feelings, you were making me live for the first time after my life of pulverized misery. And when I said, "I will make you smile by adding my life to the one closest to you", I think this was perhaps the most surreal sentence I have ever heard in my life.

In the intervening times, I always held your presence inside me and lived with unstoppable inner happiness, while you were behind the power of your presence.

Gradually I found myself in the captivity of loving you.

I think it was the first time in many years that I found myself on the verge of happiness. Feeling love in me, knowing and experiencing that it creates unique emotions, gave me extraordinary strength. Experiencing the unparalleled times of love was unique or accumulating in me the desire for life and living. It was as if the sediments of the years of love I had lived before were slowly melting away and I was holding on to life again.

And my days gave me the excitement of happiness with the thoughts of you behind them. One day I was able to tell you that I started to love you despite everything. I found the owner of love and the excitement was filling my heart that beats in the name of love. One day I was able to tell you that I loved you without a winner, and the feeling of loving someone else that I carried on my shoulders, which brought me down, gradually turned into feelings of anger and hatred.

It was as if life, with these thoughts, was on the one hand the ecstasy of happiness and on the other hand the repairing of the old depressions.

While I was floundering with feelings of happiness and pity, so much was getting old. My soul was writhing and I was trying to breathe, sometimes with peace and sometimes with the fear of losing.