Trying To Be Better

Hello everyone How are you? It has been awhile since I write something here in read.cash.

Time sure fly fast only one more month and its already a new year. I'm sure alot of events happens to everyone, to the world and to me personally. The reason im writing right now is because I want to share something that I don't want anyone I interact to know. Im not ready. That is, I think I have a depression.

A wake up call last Monday (November 14) woken up by a cramp in my chest and got into panic. the thing is, I don't have a problem breathing so its not related to the heart but to my esophagus (based on my research) and feeling some frequent neckpain which apparently I have acid reflux

I did plenty of research yesterday since I have been feeling way too mcuh of different symptoms on a daily basis. Like for examples: headache, diarrhea, tinnitus, GERO, fatigue, insomnia, mood swings, lacking of self care, emotionless specially to positive ones, losing interest to my hobbies and other entertainments, forgetfulness, stress eating/overeating, high blood sugar, unable to focus, and lastly, anxiety.) I could probably list some more but that's all I can remember in the top of my head while writing this ( I want to make this as genuine as possible.) all of those sudden symptoms pinpoints to one culprit... depression.

I even take some tests online, and I pretty much passed the test with a very high (severe) score. I might even get accepted as a scholar if its a school lol

I honestly thought that depression is "im always sad which make me do unthinkable stuff to self-harm". So I didn't really bother checking of my mental health, since I don't think of that way right now. but I learned a lot yesterday reading varied health articles/online test of that topic. But honestly, if all this symptoms persist I think that would be likely end me eventually. Ignorance is bliss

I am not sure by myself how/when I ended up like this. Way too late to realize that my mental health is slowly declining and has been happening for over years now to the point of severe state because I'm not self-aware and thought those illness are just common these days. My birthday is even getting closer(November 23) but I cant even feel happy about it (#midlifecrisis) also because my grandma passed away due to heart attack around that week and till this day, I still blame it because of the food served in my celebration.. then after that. A new year, Boom hello corona...suddenly appear out of nowhere... Perhaps the cause is just build up of problems and stress in life overtime, things and events that I personally have zero control of.

Thanks to that wake up call it made me want to change and fight this depression. because ill just be more depressed with all those medical bills if they keep persisting!

There are no psychiatrist near in my area since I live in rural and it would probably cost way too expensive to book a session. I decided to just do self medication right now since those articles I've read have some tips and advice to self help.

First, I start off by cleaning my room and throw some stuffs out that are just collecting dust. took me 3 days to pack everything, some final cleaning and I must say I am satisfied with the result.

I also continue doing fasting but this time I stop relying on phone app since I want to make it a habit instead of treating it like a chore or like an alarm clock that force you to do it. Next step is Ill try hard to do some exercise in the morning. I know there's more to do, but ill do it slowly but surely. If you have more advice feel free to leave a comment

Its been 3 days now and I haven't really feel much of a change. though I feel like the tinnitus is really finally gone and I have a light mood. Funny story is, I even posted in noise.app 20 days ago (thanks alot to the good Samaritan I wont forget you). The next day it comes back and slowly gotten worse. Now maybe its gone for good and hope its not too late for me to fight this. Also my home situation is also starting to get better?? idk ill update again some other time :) Thanks alot if you reach till the end

TLDR is I think I have depression and Im trying my best to fight it!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert or anything of the sort this is all just my personal experience and my personal way of dealing with it. Dont be like me get some help, reach out to someone. If you can afford to get a psychiatrist get one too