I knew it was wrong and it's clear to me that it's a great sin against God to take my own life but I still tried several times to do something evil against myself. Many years have passed but until now no knows that I was suicidal.
But before you judge me, let me tell you my story.
As a child, I never felt being loved by my own family. I'm the typical Asian firstborn who has all the responsibilities on my shoulders. Even at a young age, I already have a lot of grudge and resentment towards my parents, especially my mom. I was in second grade when I learned how to be responsible for myself. I have to cook and prepare breakfast for myself every day before going to school. No matter how many awards I get in school, she won't go with me to show her support (good thing that my grandma is there to support me). I grew up with pain as my company, both physically and emotionally. Discipline always goes with spanking and beating up sessions. From slippers, brooms, belt, extension cord wires and even steel, all have laid on my body. But being physically hurt is nothing compared to the emotional pain I got because of those abusive words I heard. I can't even remember an instance that I was praised for the good things I did, but the hurtful words are still vivid on my memory. The most painful thing is being constantly compared to my dad's best friend's daughter. It hurts so much every time she compares the two of us, every time she keeps telling me how great of a daughter that girl is and how bad and disappointing I am. It hurts so much that I'm still crying while writing this, and my heart still aches remembering those times.
At a young age of 10, I am already managing our entire household and it hindered me to enjoy my life as a kid. My parents are always away from home dealing with business, so I was left with no choice but to look after my young siblings and take care of the household chores. That time, I was always feeling exhausted for everything and I feel like I'm some kind of slave — a real life Cinderella. Every night, I was silently crying and not a night has passed that my pillows aren't wet from my snots and tears, especially when I was beaten up due to some housework that I failed to do, instead of appreciating my accomplishments. I understand that they are tired of work but I'm also tired of all the house works plus the naughty children I'm looking after. I blamed them for having a lot of children and leave them on my care. I was in 6th grade and I'm already 11 that time when I first attempted to commit suicide. My mom told me that she regret giving birth to me and if she would go back in time, she would choose to kill me while I'm still on her womb. But when I realized that no one's going to take care of my siblings, I lost the courage to continue with the suicide.
When I was already a teenager, stress from school and family problems pushed me to attempt suicide several times. It's tiring to live up to my parent's expectations, and I was tired of not getting any appreciation from them. I was tired of my mom humiliating me in front of other people and I'm tired pf jot getting any respect from the children I cared of the most. They don't respect me because they are used to seeing my mom beat me up in front of them.
As a teenager, I was also an object to bullying because of my physical appearance. It hurts a lot when my own family tells me how ugly I am just because of my pimples. I'm already depressed because of those pimples for crying out loud, and yet they still added more fuel to the fire.
Sadly, I got no one to talk to and no one to understand my situation. So I just thought of ending my life and attempted another suicide so that I can get back to those people who constantly hurt me. I always have blades and a rope hidden on a safe place and made some research about poisons too (unfortunately it was hard to obtain them).
Fortunately, an elderly couple helped me to study the bible and as I studied God's word, I learned that it's not right to take my own life. It helped me control my emotions and let go of negative thoughts.
This is not a beautiful story to tell and I'm still ashamed for trying to commit suicide before. I'm ashamed to let others know about this ugly chapter of my life but I'm writing this to let people know that no matter how hard our situation is, with God's help, we can overcome every challenge in life. I'm happy to say that I've overcome those challenges and my unpleasant life experiences became my stepping stone to be a better person and an empowered woman. Some may think that my story is nothing compared to the stories of others and the things that hurt me are only trivial things, yes I admit that there are worse stories out there but you wouldn't know someone's pain unless you put yourself in their place. I'm happy to say that I found out how beautiful life is and there is more to life than holding grudge and resentment towards my parents. I tried to understand them and I can say that I have a better relationship with them right now. Good thing I didn't waste the gift of life that God has given me just because of those problems I had.
Some may wonder though how people around me are unable to sense that I'm a suicidal teenager. Well, I was always putting on a cheery facade that no one will ever notice that I'm going through something. This should serve as lesson not to believe what people show us, don't judge the book by its cover as they say.
Sad to say, a lot of teenagers also face the same dilemma. A lot are battling against themselves whether to continue living or just end their life. So let us have a better understanding about suicide.
Here are some reasons that trigger suicidal attempts:
Family problems or conflict. Sad to say, a lot of teenagers feels that no family member understands them. This usually happens with authoritarian and dictator-like parents. Parents who never try to understand their children and never attempt to listen to what their children wants to say. When children had enough of such parents, they tend to think about getting back at them by ending their lives instead. They think that when they die, it will surely make their parents sad and will make them regret the things they did against their child.
Academic Struggles. This is most common to teenagers who are achievers in school. Achievers tend to be perfectionist and a set back such as getting a lower grade, a bad report card and not getting on top will most likely trigger them to have suicidal thoughts.
Depression. Depression is common to most teenagers. Sometimes, their friends and loved ones tend to think of them as acting up but in reality they are already going through something. When no one understands, the feeling of helplessness and stress makes them more depressed and it may lead to suicide when they try to keep it all to themselves.
Breakups. It may seem trivial for others but there are teenagers who can't bear the pain of breaking up with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I heard about a lot of stories like this and I even some acquaintance who tried to attempt suicide just because of a simple break up.
Mistreatment such as physical and sexual abuse. Physical and sexual abuse may also trigger someone to attempt suicide. Most teenagers who experience being abused normally doesn't want to end their lives, most of them only wants to end the pain and sadly, ending the pain also means ending their lives.
What can help to eliminate suicidal thoughts?
Remember that change is constant. No matter how hard the situation may seem, no matter how big the problem is, things will change in the future. Patience is a virtue as they say. Be patient enough to wait for things to get better. Problems may be piling up for now and it may overwhelm us, but as time goes by, things will change and our situation will change. Always remember that there is no forever, even with problems.
Learn the value of prayer. In my own personal experience, prayers has been one of the best way which helped me to cope with my problems. Every time I communicate my problems to God, I always feel to have a peace of mind. It is best to pour our heart out to Him. We can tell him all the worries we have, all our negative thoughts and ask him to help us gain an inner peace and the courage to be able to endure everything. Trust me, it works hundred percent to me. It is better to pray to God for help because, he knows us better than us, he understands our circumstances, he cares for us and most of all, he loves us and wants the best for us.
Don't keep all your problems and worries to yourself. Try to talk to a trusted individual, it is better if that person is someone older because talking to a peer might only make things worse.
Based on personal experiences, when you are overwhelmed by problems and challenges, when you feel like they are piling up and you don't know what to do, suicide is not always the answer. Remember that there are also other people who are experiencing the same pain, and theirs might even be worse than ours.
Keep on living because life is too beautiful to be wasted!
