Dream analysis on a rainy day

This morning I woke up with the sun and of course, turned around and carried on sleeping. If I could get paid for sleeping, I would be very rich by now!

Soon after I got up, the weather changed from a lovely sunny morning to a windy, stormy afternoon and evening. Just like my dreams.

I remember dreaming 2 dreams. In one I had a new boyfriend and things were looking rather exciting. No wonder I wanted to dream some more. Who doesn't love new, exciting adventures, hey?

The dream I woke up to was not all that exciting. It was a combination of my childhood memories entangled with 'The bold type' series and read.cash!

What a mixture! 

So the memory my dream was referring to is the one where my Polish language teacher gave me a B grade, for an essay that was more likely an A* worthy, because the language I had used was not appropriate to my age. She assumed I committed an act of plagiarism, because a child of my age (I think I was 13 or so) ‘could not write like this’. She couldn't find a source, which I apparently copied, but she announced her verdict in front of the whole class anyway. I was utterly embarrassed and I guess what I had learned from this experience is that being really good at something only puts you in trouble. Best to pretend to be just average and get along with everyone else. 

I recently revisited this memory, while writing an article for another website. The impression this left on my subconscious mind was evident. I might have pulled a deep root of my self-sabotage - or so I wish to think. Dreams are often very helpful in clearing old programming as well as viewing the patterns we repeat in our lives which lead us to certain, undesirable outcomes. 

In my dream, I have written an article, but when I first started writing it, I had planned for it to be very short, so I started writing it as a short post. Then it grew to the size of an article, but I kept it as a short post. This part is more knowing, rather than seeing it in the dream. What I see is myself, walking away pissed off, because Oliver (the gay/bi black stylist from ‘The bold type’ I watched recently) gave me a shitty ‘grade’ for my article and he explained that the grade was low, because I wrote it as a short post. 

‘Can’t you see that it’s 11 pages long?’ I scream at him, while walking away. 

That’s when I woke up. I like remembering my dreams. It’s fascinating to see how my mind operates and makes sense of the events happening in my life. I mean... It did a great job of putting it all into perspective for me. 

This is how I analyse it. 

There is this childhood memory which clearly blocks me from writing. My teacher in this memory is replaced by Oliver, who is a mentor and a friend to Sutton - one of the main characters in the series. In my dream therefore he represents a person or people who I admire and/or look up to and their unjust judgement of me. I appear to be very disappointed, because I have done more than I was asked for. I wrote this beautiful, 11 pages long article and I was hoping that my mentor would see through my efforts, but he is still limited by the conventions and gives me low grades, because I wrote all this as a short post. 

What I see by analysing this dream is that… I’m a weirdo! I laugh at my friend for waiting for a knight on a white horse to come and save her, while I behave exactly the same, just not when it comes to romantic relationships, but in other parts of my life. So here it comes… hypocrisy at its best!

See in my Universe, I look at everything as a reflection of myself, a mirror. I could never quite see the picture so clearly when I looked at my friend. I wondered what I am missing and where do I behave just like her and this dream came to my aid. Pretty much the same with the hypocrisy, which I observe often in others and today I managed to finally connect some dots. 

Usually, I would keep these very intimate notes and observations in my locked away diary, so nobody can see it. Today I am doing the opposite, because this way I am also healing the part of myself that is ashamed of other people’s judgement of me. That part which doesn’t want to be laughed at in front of the whole class. That little girl who cries and kicks off whenever I try doing anything like this. The one who looks up to  (I don’t really know who) for validation. The one who’s waiting for a knight on white horse who will come and RECOGNISE my value. 

Today I choose to be my own knight. I don’t need anyone to tell me that my writing is good enough. I know this. I always knew this. I also always really enjoyed both: reading and writing. 

So here’s to my new beginning. I am extremely grateful for finding read.cash and the amazing opportunity for writers that it is. I am also grateful for you, who reads this and I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section.

Now that I’ve seen and recognised my reflections, there is a whole new path ahead of me 💙