This Feeling is Killing Me

For once in your life, did you ever feel something inside that kills you slowly?

I mean, you keep thinking about it and it just causes you pain?

It's late at night and I can't sleep, I feel exhausted, my body and mind, and I don't know what to do. I'm just here lying in my bed, wide awake with tears in my eyes. I don't know when or how it started, it just suddenly happened. I know something is wrong, by the way, he looked at me in the eyes. He won't tell me, he won't admit it.

What did I do wrong?

While writing this, I just can't keep my tears from falling. I'm just a human, a woman who wants to feel to be loved and cared for, even just for tonight. I just can't sleep knowing that my love is mad at me. How I wish I could do the same as him, who can sleep easily at night even we're not okay.

Maybe I was just overthinking, and I hate it. I hate myself for this feeling. I just want to know the reason, I just want to hear his words. But, I receive nothing but rejection. It's so painful to be ignored, I instantly felt unloved and unwanted. My heart hurts so much, and I can't breathe. I'm feeling suffocated, can't even cry louder. I do hate this feeling, it kills me slowly.

I have no one to talk to, so I'm writing it all here. I know it isn't appropriate to compose this kind of writings here, most especially since Christmas is coming. But, please let me share it here, I feel I'm about to explode deep inside. I'm just a human, after all, it ain't easy to be left at home alone with kids, I am stress, I'm pressured, I'm tired, I'm loaded with works, I get sick, I feel incomplete. It's been a while since I feel this kind of emotion once again. I hate it, I hate to feel this, I hate to cry in silence, I hate to suffer in pain. Even if I tell him my feelings, I'm not sure if he will listen, I don't know if he acknowledges my pain. Maybe he'll say, I'm selfish, or such a dramatic person. Yes, I am, for I easily get hurt, though my friends and relatives never saw me cry in front of them, I know, he knows me very well. He saw me cry many times before.

Crying, that's the only way to lessen the burden I feel inside. I need to cry it out. My pillow is my only witness tonight. I'm feeling quite okay while typing these words, but it doesn't change anything. No, I'm not mad at him, I just want to hug him, but he rejected me and choose to sleep. I felt extremely sorry for myself when he turned his back on me. Why do I need to feel this way?

How can I stop it?

I know overthinking can ruin me, I need to stop this right away. Prayers, that's what I need at this very moment. To pray, to be forgiving, and to understand why it happened. I just want to let it out, that's why I wrote it here. Sorry if I'm too emotional, and I admit it's one of my weaknesses. I'm too sensitive and easy to feel pain most especially when someone I love rejected or neglected me. But still, I know I must go on in life. I need to take a rest and hoping for a brighter tomorrow. I need to erase these worries and free my heart with pain. It's hard, but I need to. Life is so stressful, so I need to be strong, for myself and my kids.

@eommaZel 🤍

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