I once had a Heart of Stone

Since it's love month, I guess I need to share my tale of love. Honestly, this is not your typical love story with a “kilig factor”. Truthfully speaking, I'm not a romantic kind of person, I also considered myself as “abnormal”. 😅

Why?

Because I never have a crush on anyone. And believe it or not, I'm a very ignorant girl when it comes to love. Before I'll share with you my love story, let me tell you my tales on which I once had a heart of stone.

Let me begin during my younger years.

During my elementary days, I'm just a plain and simple girl at school, I'm quiet, a shy type, but a little fun with a bit serious. Yeah, I'm weird. 😅 But I'm friendly to anyone I met. I was a year ahead of my cousin who's grade four at that time, while I was in grade five and I always fetch her after her classes were done. But at my young age, I never imagined being admired by someone.

I'm only ten years old when I first received a love letter. I can't remember what was written but one thing is still very clear in my head, that the letter sender wrote down my name incorrectly. A classmate of mine gave it to me and told me it was given by a grade four student named Eljhun. The boy my classmate refers to is a classmate of my cousin, maybe he saw me fetching my cousin after class in their classroom. And it happened by chance that my classmate's younger sister is their classmate too. However, I'm not ready, I'm just a grade 5 student and I don't care about infatuations or anything about love, it never entered my mind yet. He continuously gave me his love letters but I just crumpled and threw it all right after I received those. I'm not interested in his attention offered to me. Despite I ignored him, he constantly put in efforts just to get my attention, but it didn't work, I'm just naive. And before the school year ends, he just glanced at me every time we came across each other.

While in my high school days, I was surrounded by larger and different personalities, and I guess, nothing changed in me especially in terms of affection regardless I became a bit matured and turned into a teen. I was in first-year high school when we have a classmate who came from Manila. He became the center of attention since the whole school calls him “Transferee” and “alog” which means “Tagalog”. His name is Luigi, and honestly, I never felt extreme awkwardness inside the classroom before this guy came.

Have you ever experienced that feeling when you can feel that someone's looking at you secretly?

I often felt that feeling every day at school, and I hate it. At first, I'm not sure if I'm just being too assuming but as weeks passed, I noticed something weird. When correcting our test papers, mostly our teachers told us to pass our papers “counter-clockwise” and counts from 1-10. What I noticed is that, in every test we had, my paper always landed on Luigi's desk, even though he clearly must not have it, since he's not the 10th person to receive my paper based on the counting and his number of seat. It just weird and he always put a “❤” shape on my paper with his name.

What gave me a feeling of awkwardness is when I caught him staring at me while I'm eating my lunch. I'm having my lunch at school since our house is some miles away. I was about to take a munch when I felt something unusual. And yes, my senses are correct, it was Luigi.

Should I feel happy and feel the butterflies in my stomach?

No, I never felt any of those. Instead, I didn't finish my lunch that day. 😅 I don't know, I just don't like it. One time, my classmates asked him if he likes me, and he didn't deny it. So, it's confirmed. We became the center of teases right after his confession, even our teachers pushed us to be closer. It was our Christmas party when our classroom adviser told me to accept Luigi's hands to the dance floor. She warned me that she won't give me my card if I won't do it, so even it's against my will, I did. It's only the two of us in the dance floor, dancing to sweet music. The entire dance gave me shivers, not because I'm happy, but I felt I was being played. Lol, I don't know, I do really have a heart of stone. But I never saw Luigi again after that Christmas party, because he went home to Manila and continue his studies there.

What Luigi felt for me is only a simple crush, but I just don't understand what he likes about me, I'm so ordinary and very naive.

My high school tale isn't done yet, I was a junior high school when I experienced something different. I was sitting on a bench waiting for my friend when a guy took his seat beside me.

“May I know your name? I'm Paul”

I never replied and ignored him, but he kept on talking.

I just listened to all his chats but I just kept my mouth close. Since I don't want to entertain boys whom I think tricky.

Few days after we met, he kept on stalking me, which I hated the most. After school hours, on my way home he kept on tailing me. It's weird and I just can take it. I confronted him to stop following me. He kept on asking my number and offered to take me home.

Every afternoon had the same scenario, and I failed to control myself when he suddenly touches my shoulder.

“What do you want from me? I don't need you!”

“Please stop it, don't follow me again.”

I walked faster so I could lose him in my sight. I thought he did what I told him, but he didn't. He kept on shadowing me, so I decided to have a ride home.

He is more than a suitor for me, he's more like a weirdo, a stalker that consistently giving me chills.

It was Valentine's Day and our school is having a little fun game for the students. They made a letter booth so the students can write down their unsaid messages to someone they adore. My friend and I were on the second floor of the admin building that day, and I was shocked when I heard my name twice spoke by the speaker. And my guess is right again, it's from Paul. As I saw him on the ground floor of the administration building looking straight at me without a blink. I felt awkward again. When we were about to leave I saw him and his friends were walking towards us and blocked our way downstairs. I felt the extreme pounding of my heart not because I'm glad to see him, but because I'm scared of him, or anything he and his friends can do against us.

“I like you, please accept me. I'll do everything for you.”

I saw how sincere he was that day. But it didn't change my mind and my feelings.

“I-I'm sorry.”

these were the only words that came out of my lips.

They let us pass peacefully, and I felt extreme relief right after we left the admin building. After that moment, gladly he stopped.

I thought I could enjoy the rest of my junior year peacefully but I was wrong when one of my “boy best friends” confessed to me about his feelings.

His name is JayJay, honestly, he's one of my closest “boy” friends. He's my classmate and we often talk weird stuff and shared laughter. However, everything changes when he suddenly confessed his emotions towards me. He said he likes me more than his best friend.

Should I be glad?

Here comes again this heart of stone of mine, I rejected him. After his confession, I seldom or don't talk to him like before. I even hardly get closer to him. Yet, he didn't give up easily. It was our Christmas party when he handed me a gift box. I accepted it and inside were headband, and two birds forming a heart shape figurine. I wasn't impressed, I just felt uncomfortable. After the party, he asked permission to take me home, but I refused. Our friendship was ruined, I just can't be friends with him, I don't want him to misunderstood my actions.

My friends and classmates always called me a girl with a heart of stone, they always called me NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) and I never regretted it. I also have experienced some love tales during my college days but it's quite too long to be added. 😅 Let's just stop here.

Now, you've seen my old version, that I once had a heart of stone. Oops, don't imagine things like I'm very pretty or attractive, no, I'm not. I am just an ordinary girl that don't know how to tie my hair during those days. That even other people assumed I am a lesbian too since I keep on rejecting boys who confessed their feelings to me. I'm not even a fashionista, who wore girly dresses and stuff. A plain shirt, paired with jeans, and my ragged converse shoes is always my style. A “manang” that's what others used to call me. 😅

(Manang is an outdated and old-fashioned girl/lady)

I hope you enjoyed reading my rejection tales. 🤣 I don't know why I am like that before, but they're just a part of my past. If I recall those days, I just laughed at myself and realized I'm too “strict” and “bitter” to someone who offered me their feelings. 😁

Written by: @eommaZel ✍🏻🥀