When I was still young and inexperienced about some aspects of life I considered it as colorful and full of fantasy. I thought dreams were that easy to reach that I can always dream forever, and except a happy ever after as I grow. Well, as I get aged my innocence gradually vanished, I began to understand that life, sometimes, can't be anticipated and pleased easily. And we might not get handily what we used to wished and aimed for.
There'll be stories of success and accomplishments, which made us proud as a person. Those achievements are celebrated and cheered but behind those, there lies a hidden story. A tale of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and failure.
Who never had failures in life?
I guess most of us or each of us already met and commit failures. At the age of 25 years old, I can say I had come upon failures countless times. As much as I wanted to forget all of those, made me realize that those failures did a great role in molding me into the person I am today.
The younger version of me was a coward, yes, that's a fact. I tried hard to be tough, to show everyone that I'm not that weak. But honestly, I always fail to prove it. I failed to show the real me, the real vulnerable me. And frankly speaking, I am afraid to commit failures and I am scared to be considered a disappointment especially by my family.
I was raised seeing my elders did great at their younger years and they landed a decent job and enjoying their prosperous lives. And comparison was always present, I and my cousins grew up being compared to one another.
Our grades, our performances, and even our skills, and apparently everything was compared to one another. And truthfully, that comparison never helped.
At school, I am not an active student that always raising her hands to participate, I am shy, and I seldom talk. But my grades never failed, maybe because I am afraid to see red numbers on my card. And I am frightened to see my family's reaction whenever they see those if ever happens.
But then failure is unavoidable, it's guaranteed I guess. Fate truly plays with us at times. Failure is not only about a failing grade or a failing performance, and my nightmare became a reality; my family considered me as a failure and disappointment.
It happened when I chose to graduate via a ladderized course, a 2-year college degree.
* There are certain reasons why I chose to end my education but those are quite personal so I'll just keep it with me.
As a 2-year college graduate, I expected to be degraded by my family members, particularly my aunts who were successful with their professions. Also, I expected to land a common and ordinary job as I am not a 4-year college diploma holder.
Their dreams for me shattered as I leave my alma mater and look for a job. They dreamed of me being a professional just like them, but I landed a job that was completely different from theirs.
I became a dining staff at the age of 18, explore a new world away from my family. And I know even my presence was not with them, they're talking behind my back about how disappointed they were with me. I can feel it the way they talked to me whenever I visited home during my day-offs.
But I just ignored them and go on in life, but their dismay became bigger when I made another thing that disagreeable to them; I became pregnant at the age of 20.
When I was carrying my firstborn in my tummy, I thought I was forsaken and I'm the most miserable girl in the whole universe. It's not that I'm regretting having him, but it's a heavy feeling to hear and see how dismayed and aggrieved my family is to me.
But as the old saying goes, life must go on.
After giving birth, a new life, commitment, and new responsibilities greeted me, I am now a mother, and one thing I told myself, I must never bring down my son as his mother and my partner as his wife.
Little by little my life changed and it's not the way I used to live before, it was different. And I humbly recognized that those failures shaped me into a better person.
I am happy to share with you that the weakling me vanished not permanently but I was not that weak as I am when I was younger. I've been to the toughest times of my life and in life after death for bearing two children and brought them here both healthy on the outside world. I am feeling tough enough for doing the things I used to be scared of before. Now that I have my two boys with me, I can be stronger as ever just for them.
In my life journey, I've met different people, and each one of them has distinct stories from within. When I was judged and criticized by others I learned to be considerate; I recognized that we people and mistakes are forever bound. As I, before, I even considered my life a misery, and I forgot to be considerate with myself. And that's one of the missteps I made, later on, I knew that I have to be helpful and considerate first before I learned to be considerate towards others. Now, those stories of setbacks made me who I am today, a friendly and sympathetic woman.
When my life was at its failing state, I thought of myself and my fresh family. It's not the life that I planned for, but I can still make another plan and a better one. I may fail to reach my first dream, it doesn't mean I have to stop hoping. If the first plan didn't work, I can still make second, third, fourth, and so on until it works. Now, the changes in my life slowly take over, and I am here embracing it fully and wholeheartedly. I am now focusing on my family and making and reaching goals with them.
Life is not always full of rainbows and butterflies, however, see can always make it colorful despite the storms and gray weather we're facing. Yes, the pessimist me became an optimistic woman. My viewpoints in life are now vast than before. I am concern with the future that I'll be appreciating as I get older and older, so I am currently working on it and concentrating on what and who truly matters in my life. Those negative people, I don't need them. They're just my new source of motivation to go on.
Yes, failing and falling on the wrong path will give you negative sentiments and letdowns, however, failure sometimes is a blessing in disguise. Downfalls sometimes make me give up in life, those heavy feelings that I thought my world would come to an end, that my life was pointless and have no direction; as I faced it countless times already, I can say having failure is not yet the end of my story. Yes, I may flunk and go wrong, I can however continue, stand up and take another step and make things right. It may not be pleasant at first but it's not yet my final story. It's just a new beginning of a new journey and learnings.
I know it's hard to think and see that our dreams and goals might go wrong regardless of the hard work and efforts we made, however, as long as we're taking a new step in life for reaching for something we aimed for, we cannot avoid failure. It sounds negative but we just can't escape from it, and it will be somehow part of our lives.
But it just needs a little recognition, that those missteps and failures are slowly shaping us into better individuals. Behind those disappointments lie some valuable lessons waiting for us to acknowledge. We just need to open our eyes, to see and focus on the things that matter, and open our hearts to listen and hear the voice within.
Written by: @eommaZel ✍🏻🥀