Hesitations

As people lives, we need a house for us to sleep in and for our safety. We need this structure to protect us against the sun and the rain, and for the wild animals out there. We need this also for our privacy and peacefulness as we live. However, a house was different from home, for a home is the place where your family lives, a place that you occupy to live in happily, no matter what or where it is.

Before my family got home, a place where we happily live, a place where we were comfortable, and have a peaceful life. That home was used to be found here where we stay, but now it became just a house.

The waves of laughter turned into silence, the cheerful faces turned into serious faces. I'm so sad that this is happening to us, my family. If I could turn back the time, I would love to turn it back to the times where we lived separately, survived the day, and ended it with a smile on our faces. Now, our lives changed.

Before the house was separated and divided into two, it was like a “duplex style”, my brother lives on the other side and my family on another. Our home was filled with joy, despite the small area, and it was made of bamboo, we felt happiness and peacefulness in it. But our happy home turned into a house, an empty house when this particular person went home.

Honestly, I don't hate her nor mad at her, but now she seems like a stranger to me, in my family. She went home aside from presenting herself to attend to my child when I gave birth last year. We agreed that she will attend my firstborn just for 1 week while I was at the hospital. However, my brother told her to stay and offered her a small business to start her living here. It was fine for me, after all, we. runs the same blood. But she was so dominant, she removed the division of the house and make it one without our permission. It was afternoon when I woke up from a nap after I fed my baby, I was awakened by a loud bang of a hammer. I saw that the division (plywood) the wall that divides our home from my brother was removed by her. I suddenly felt uneasy but I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad. And it was too late for me to stop her, the wall was removed after I woke up. From then on we became an Extended Family.

One year has passed and honestly, sometimes she was good, but most of the time she's mad and every day is getting worst. Every time she doesn't have money, everything and everyone in the house was impacted by her bad mood. There's no day that I can't hear some foul words from her, which is unhealthy and bothering to hear especially for the kids. I just want to bring back the happy home we used to have before. But it seems impossible, she was too impulsive and she didn't take any opinions from us. Maybe I'm just not used to it. I was raised and grew up more independently than my brother. And I acted like a grown-up before even I was just in elementary because my father cannot attend to us because of his school duties.

Then there's this event that puts my trust in her to broke. And I was saddened every time I think of it.

To make the story short she burst into anger last month, just because my partner bought coffee from another store. (She has a store here outside the house as what my brother promised her). But that has a reason, my partner distance himself from her because my partner found out that I and he were being gossiped about by her. She scolded my partner and told him that he was selfish and has no respect. Sadly, that happened the day before my birthday. I know my she hates my partner, because he can't provide buckets of money, and I know everything that she gossips about us which makes me sad and think why she's too cruel to us? We feel that we haven't done any good after that incident

Living together was tough but we need to respect her. My partner and her we're okay now. He just adjusted to the situation and let off his ego just to avoid conflicts and quarrels. I choose. to understand her and just do my duties and responsibilities inside the house. But it doesn't mean that we should live this way forever. We are thinking about our plans before, our plans before she went home. Our plan to build a house for our family.

Though our lives changed dramatically in just one year, we thought of making our plans next year, our plan to build a house. My dad told me before that we can build a house beside this house (where we live today). I gained instant hope yet, my partner was hesitant. Though he eagerly wants to build our house, he was afraid that the incident may happen again. Where she misinterprets our actions and decisions in building our house. He was hesitant to be called selfish again and cause misunderstandings.

Just last night we talked about it, even I was hesitant but until when we must live this way? I told him that our children were slowly growing up and they need a shelter where they can call home. Where they can have peace and happiness. This is my one biggest reason why I wanted to save some money, to help my partner financially, and to build our house. Even a small house made of bamboo will be fine, as long as it can be called our home sweet home. But these hesitations are preventing us to think straight. I don't hate her, but, weirdly, she feels like a stranger to me. But if I'll just think of her, what would happen to us? I can't stay with this any longer.

I must focus and erase these hesitations in my head, but how? I thought living with her will be a nice idea, but life hits me with expectations vs reality.

*I just wanted to let it out, I have no one to tell about my feelings, I don't want to add up stress to my partner. I know this is just another life's obstacles that we should surpass. I know everything happens for a purpose and God will never abandon us. 🙏

#hesitations #HomeHouse #HomeSweetHome

@eommaZel 🥀🖤