“Childhood Trauma Awakened”

July 11, 2022

Monday

“These past few weeks for me have been rough, my stress and worst, my childhood trauma was suddenly triggered.”

I only want and wish for a happy and peaceful life with my family, I guess nobody wants to be in a chaotic home. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I are totally fine, but the house we live in is like a haunted one.

Seems there's something negative aura making our lives here a bit miserable. Or shall I say, it's my parents who are making this home not a home sweet home anymore?

Years back then, since my childhood my parents were not on good terms. I grew up hearing their scream and fights, making me wish to just fade away every time they were quarreling.

It was one of my traumas that I wish I won't experience again.

And because of their egos and nonstop feuds, we became a broken family.

It was a long story, my father raised us and presently he has a new partner and I already met her. I am not against and accepted their relationship wholeheartedly because I love my father and I am grateful to him.

The house that my father owns is the house where we currently reside, he let us live here and it was split in two, and if we have enough budget, he said we could separate this into two if we want, we could build and construct a house for our family and the other side would be for my elder brother.

There's no problem not after my mother came home.

My brother invited my mother to come home and he promised to give her a little business ( a sari-sari store). I am not against it because she is my mom and seems my brother has a concrete plan.

However, things changed when he suddenly stopped his support to our mother and started his job out of town. Then my mother already does the ruling on this house, she decided to just get the wall that separates the house and make it one.

Now our lives changed.

We now become responsible for fulfilling my brother's failed promises.

She's been here for 2 years already but my peace and sanity are affected so much. It was a long story but to make it short, our lives became problematic in terms of stability, peace, harmony, and finances. My mother is not an easy-to-get-along kind of woman.

And what's worse, if we fail her expectations she gossips about us with my other family, especially my aunt, and it hurts me. However, I just let pass of it, every time.

I just let her do her doings because she is still my mother.

When things got worst, my husband and I decided to just save money so we could build our own house to call home again.

We just live and continue our plans but suddenly, one message made it complicated.

Last Friday, I received a message from my father that he wanted to go home and stay here for good this Tuesday. He wanted to reconstruct the house and made a house for my family too and my brother whose girlfriend is currently pregnant.

Ever since my mom came home, he always wanted me to separate and stop living in an extended family with my mother. But because we are not financially ready yet for constructing a house, he just visited us on weekends if he got free time or if he has some tasks related to his work for me to do.

I told my mother about my father's plan of going home so she wouldn't be surprised if ever but she was suddenly furious. She won't let my father go home here especially if he's with his new partner.

Now my mind was so stressed about the things that would happen.

Everyone in the compound including my Aunt who's my father's sister is against my father's plan. My aunt told my mother to fight back if ever my father insisted to go home. They told her to call the police if needed too.

My heart is in deep panic, I am hurt for my father, he's a good man but why are they so mad?

It's funny how they hated him for getting a new partner even though my mother and him we already both separated and they both agreed about it. And the separation happened when I was 8 years old.

Now I am very anxious, hearing those harsh words against my father, seems he is not welcome in his ”own” house and property.

To make it short, I chatted with my father last night, telling him if he want to go home I will just pray that there will be no commotion between them, my mother. After a few deep talks, he just told me to continue living here, and he will just stay away from any turmoil my mom could cause.

In short, he decided not to go home to avoid a fight.

He said he just cared for me and the kids, and he thinks about our future too.

When we were talking about why these things happened to us, and our family, I couldn't hold my tears. After all, he is my father, no matter how other people see him, he is still a good father to me.

Until this very moment, I felt so sorry for my father, though I also respect my mom, my father's intention is pure about going home, and besides it's his property. But my mom likes to fight always and she uses her loud voice to just shout and justify herself. She never listens, and that's the main problem, now I know some reasons why their relationship ended.

Because of this experience, after being a product of a broken family, from quarreling parents, this ordeal of mine gave me the thought of promising myself not to let my kids experience what I had suffered.

It was like living in a chaotic world that you would wish doesn't exist. And with this recent happening, I realized how important choosing your life partner should be.

Just like my father and mom, I don't know how they fell in love with each other and how are they back then before their marriage. Because I grew up seeing them fighting almost day and night, and I found no peace in our house even under my pillows.

However, even though they are not on good terms, my respect for them is still here. I just felt sad about my father's situation though, that's why I made this article and jot down these hard emotions I am carrying for days.

It's affecting me so much and somehow giving me a little guilt.

I rarely write about my family issues, however, this one's a bit heavy to carry alone. I would rather write it here than tell it to anyone around me because I know some of them aren't genuine. Also, I guess I could consider myself here an anonymous writer, so it's kinda safe. 😉

That's it for now, thanks for your time reading this diary-like article of mine.

And I hope you are all fine and won't experience hefty drama in life like mine. ☺

Written by: @eommaZel 💚