You know I always go on about those people who talk about dreams that they have?
I remarked to the Good Lady over the breakfast table.
Oh yes. You hate them. Hate them with a passion. What is it you always say? They are shitty dicks and nobody wants to hear about their shitty dick dreams?
The Good Lady replied helpfully through a mouthful of gritty looking muesli.
Oh, that's a bit harsh. I don't say that?
I laughed nervously as if the Good Lady were a buffoon with a gun demanding that I buy some of her freshly painted faeces.
You do! It's really annoying. Everytime someone mentions dreams or dreaming you roll your eyes and mutter all sorts of mean stuff.
She fixed me with a hard look.
It's really annoying.
She went back to munching loudly on her muesli as if it was real food.
I curled my lips and parpingly blew through them.
Well, the thing is. I actually had a bad dream and, well, it was quite horrible.
I said reluctantly.
It was true. My night had been spent tossing and turning whilst dreaming my bad dream. Everytime I woke up and went back to sleep I would return to the same dream and it was horrible.
And now I felt tired, rubbish and bizarrely felt as if I needed to talk to someone about it.
The Good Lady grinned maliciously.
Oh, so now you want to talk about your bad dream it's ok, is it?
She laughed.
Lucky for you, I like talking about dreams. Go on then. What was it?
She gave me her Doula look. The one that said I have presided over more torn and ripped up vaginas than you could possibly imagine. Your dreams are nothing in comparison.
I pressed my lips together.
Well. It's a bit daft.
I grudgingly started.
It's not daft. Dreams are how the consciousness sorts things out. There are messages in dreams. Meanings and symbols. It can be helpful to talk them out.
The Good Lady said earnestly.
Alright then...
I sighed then continued.
My dream was, that I was being eaten by Komodo dragons.
I looked at the Good Lady defiantly, daring her to laugh. She didn't.
Go on, there must have been a bit more to it than that?
She asked, kindness and understanding shining in her eyes.
Not really. It just sort of started with me tripping over a log and then the log moving because it wasn't a log. It was a Komodo dragon, then I see there are about four of them and they start chasing me...
I gulped and carried on.
Then they catch me and well... they start eating me alive...
My voice tailed off as the memories of those bloody lizards getting all bitey rose up in my head once more.
Hey! You said you wouldn't laugh!?
I shouted indignantly as I noticed the Good Lady having a bit of a giggle.
I'm not laughing at you being eaten. Really, I'm not. It's just, it's so simple. Anyone can see what this means!
The Good Lady grinned.
Don't you see? You are starting back at work today. Your dream was obviously just a manifestation of your dread at returning to work after a break of more than four weeks. That's all. Nothing to worry about.
She laughed and went back to munching her muesli.
I made a farting face at her that she couldn't see.
Fear of returning to work my arse. The message from my dreams was clear. There were obviously big fucking lizards out there hungering for my flesh.
I stood and grabbed my bag and made to leave, miming a low punch at an invisible reptilian foe.
Better watch out, you scaly fuckers. I'm ready for you.