There was a time in my life that I always say sorry to the person that is close to me. Be it my family, my friend and my lover. I say sorry even if it's not my fault. I say sorry even if I am the one that's hurt. I always want to make sure that I apologise and settle things right away. Though I am not the kind of person to confront but I will just apologize to you.
It isn't bad at all, right?
It isn't bad that you apologize first and put down your pride. It isn't bad that you always try your very best to fix the problems. I don't want conflict. I feel awkward whenever I have a misunderstanding with anyone. I'm the one who can't sleep at night thinking what's going on.
It isn't bad at all until it is.
I realize that apologizing too much when it isn't your fault makes you less a person. People will always take advantage of you. They will always hurt you. They will disregard you and take you for granted. These people will always think thay you will always be there for them no matter what they do. That even if they shoo you away, you will always put down your pride and say sorry.
What happens when it's too much?
What's bad is that you become immune to the pain and start not caring at all. Your sympathy and empathy decreases and your apathy increases. You'll learn how to say no and say you don't care. And when it happens, it feels like it's just the normal way of life. You will feel less pain and you will be prouder of yourself. You will do anything you want to do without thinking if you will hurt someone. Anyway, you can just apologize and don't care if they accept it or not.
But by feeling less pain, you also feel less love. You might think that people will leave you anytime so you put a reservation so that you won't be hurt much. There will always be that barrier between you and others. A barrier that thickens as time goes by until you cannot see the people who trully cares.
Then you'll realize that you are alone. Because you distance yourself from everyone, you didn't realize that it made you a lonely person. You have no shoulder to lean on. No one to cry to. Then you must try to break that barrier. Breaking it might also break your heart. It might be a struggle to do so and a long process but you can do it. I believe you can. Do not try hard. Just try. You will surely get there and break that barrier.
Be strong and ready to be hurt.
Be free to love and care.
You will be broken until you are not.
:) ellimacandrea 🤷♀️😊❤
Thus exactly what happened to me 😂