being a stepfather is not easy

For many, being a good stepfather can be a real headache since no one is taught to be a good father of their own children, even less do they teach you to be a good father of borrowed children. Whether we like it or not, being a stepfather means becoming the father of children that are not yours and taking care of them as if they were our own, which is why many of us want to be a good element in this role of being a good stepfather.

Let's say things as they are, stepfather is a word that does not sound good, the movies and television have used the word "stepmother" and "stepfather" very often for characters that have nothing good. Even the definition of the word has a negative connotation (according to the Royal Spanish Academy):

Stepfather (From lat. Vulg. Patraster, -tri; contempt. Of pater, father)

1. m. Husband of the mother, with respect to the children previously owned by her.

2. m Bad father.

Personally, I would rather be remembered for the first meaning, I would not like to be remembered for being a bad parent and probably no one will want to be remembered that way.

The stepfather is a relevant male figure for children, since they will probably be in contact with him for a longer time than even their biological father, so it is relevant for children that this relationship is natural, loving and respectful.

15 tips to be a good stepfather

Our recommendations are not ordered by importance, so we recommend reading them one by one. And, just in case, they were all written by a stepfather.

1. Be patient

Don't expect your stepchild to respond with care and affection at first. Many times they have experienced complex emotional situations related to their biological father and the break with their mother. Perhaps her mother was alone for a long time and your presence can evoke bad memories. For many children it can be difficult to accept a new loving relationship from the mother. It is best to act positively and be patient, with time things will get easier with your stepson.

2. Don't buy love

Many make the mistake of buying all the fashionable toys and indulging their new stepchildren in everything. Material things never turn into love, you may get them to accept you a little more, but giving them toys and sweets will not make a child feel love for you. That does not mean that you should not buy anything from him or give him a treat from time to time, but it will surely be much better if you give him some of your time.

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3. Get involved in their activities

If you don't care about your stepchild, he or she won't want to care about you either. Helping them with some homework, accompanying them to school or recreational activities of interest will make you accepted as an alternative dad more easily. Teach him something he doesn't know and you will see how he will remember you for the rest of his life, and you will remember that for the rest of yours too.

5. Don't compete with his father

Whether your father is a lousy parent or a good parent that doesn't make a big difference. You should never speak ill of him in front of children or discredit him, if his father is a bad father the children will find out for themselves. You must be a facilitator of a good relationship between the father and the children, you are most of the time with them, while he may see them once a week or even less. Surely the best moments in the lives of these children will be with you and not with their father.

6. Don't be scared if I called you "dad"

Young children do not understand the codes of adults and as they grow they gradually understand our complex social relationships. They can get confused, not understand what is happening or simply make a mistake. If he calls you dad and then makes a scared face when he realizes the mistake, you can hug him and then laugh together. Personally, with my stepdaughter we prefer to pretend that we are father and daughter in social situations in which neither of us wants to explain. If your father knew she would be mad at us! (I hope you don't read it, if you read it: I like you!)

7. Don't force them to tell you dad

Complementing the previous point, probably if you force your stepson to treat you like dad, he probably never will and if he does it will not be with love. Nobody likes being forced to say things, even less when children really know who their dad is. If they feel you are a relevant male figure to them, they will probably tell you spontaneously.

8. Incorporate them into your activities

If you want your stepson to be part of your life, you must include him in it. You can offer to accompany you to do a sport or hobby that is to your liking. The more you include your stepson in your life, the more comfortable they will be together and the better the relationship will be.

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9. Egalitarian things for sons and stepchildren

If you buy something for your children, you should do the same with your stepchildren. There are no first or second class children, everyone should be treated equally. That is not only valid for material things, but also with the time you allocate for them. It is important that if you do not live together, try to get to know each other. If someone has an inappropriate behavior (especially jealousy), they should act quickly so that family harmony is not disturbed (talking, taking up issues that you have pending or asking for help from specialists)

10. Education according to the mother

With the stepchildren and own children it will be necessary to agree on the education at home, as well as on the religious and school education. At this point you have to be careful since the mother is the one who takes the reins in the matter, although that does not mean that your opinion is not worth it. It is best to discuss the points in private and after agreeing to discuss it with the children. A good stepfather will not argue with the mother in front of the children, they feel insecure about the new relationship and you have to make them feel safe all the time.

The house rules must also be established in common agreement, within them the rules in relation to video games, sweets, television, sports practices, etc. It is not a good idea to take your stepson into extreme sports if the mother or father do not agree.

Formal education is also an issue that you should consider, you will probably have to pay for your stepson's university studies, so saving and planning will be very important so as not to affect the future family economy.

11. Become a role model

Being a good stepfather means assuming a leadership role in the family with the mother. You must learn to accept the qualities, defects, virtues and limitations of children. It is not a good idea to pretend to be someone you are not, children will sooner or later find out. Drugs, alcohol, and tobacco can be a very bad example at home.

Choosing a woman who has children as a wife is to assume that you will have to be a model and father figure for her children. You must be, do and act as a person of integrity, since your children will take from your acting a role model in life. A good relationship with the biological father (when possible) can also be very helpful if the two act together for the well-being of the children.

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12. Consider the age of the children

Depending on the age of the children, it will be easier for you to have a good relationship with them and be a good stepfather. With young children the period of adaptation to the new family reality will be easier, on the contrary, with those over 10 years of age (especially adolescents), it can be more complex and even require the advice of specialists, because there will be more issues family and children's feelings: which you do not know.

13. Create new traditions

In all families there are customs and traditions that help create ties and generate a sense of belonging that, moreover, is very important to generate. It is important to create common situations that help strengthen the family relationship.

Travel and new experiences can be very useful to create moments in common. All activities should come naturally and not force them, children always realize when something "is a lie".

14. Assume you are not the dad

You will never be the biological father, but you love their mother and in addition you also love their children. You don't need to be his father, nor do you want to replace dad, you just want to be a good stepfather (best stepfather). You must be prepared so that at some point of anger they tell you "you are not my dad", at that moment you should act calmly and lovingly, express that you are not but that you want good things for your stepson. You must show that you do not want to replace the father, but to be an ally for the children.

15. Treat them as if they were your children

Thinking all the time that your stepchildren are not your children will not help, you know that and it will always be so. If you can love your wife, you can also love them as if they were your biological children. They just need love, understanding and respect.

Finally, for all the stepparents who have read this far, we give you one last piece of advice, the one that perhaps is the one that matters most to children, regardless of their age.

16. Tell them you love them

And say it whenever you can.