Rescue Me from me

TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm

You met me with a countless rain and gray clouds above me. Everyday seems to be a fake smile, fake people, fake life. I wonder how someone can flash a smile and make people around feel good. How can someone's laugh spread among people and give radiant day, I wonder why those light can't reach me.

~

I felt like the only place to be at peace is to release the last carbon dioxide in my body and not take oxygen anymore. I feel stupid at everything I do and I can't find reason to continue. I don't think life is unfair that I feel this way, I just blame myself for being the way I am.

I am ready to take off.

"If you'll jump and want to end your life don't do it here" I gasps and turn to my side as I saw a girl sitting on the edge of the rooftop wall. I did not even feel her presence as I was pre-occupied in ending my life.

"This is my go-to place when I want to be at peace from the toxic environment, it'll be unfair if you to jump there and burst your head and I'll be a witness, eew. This will be a place of nightmare for me so kill yourself somewhere else." she continued.

I never heard such direct confrontation regarding suicide. A lot of people are careful with their words when they want to help people with depression. At some point, her harsh words are way more comforting. I started to take a step backward and turn away from the idea of jumping.

"Hey" she called

"I like your skirt, before you end your life can you give that to me? No one will use that if you're not around anymore." she's smiling, but her eyes are sad. For some unknown reason it reached me-her sadness and joy.

I turn away from her, she's crazy.

Days passed with the usual unexplained sadness in my soul. The only difference is the memory of the girl I encountered weeks ago keeps on coming back at me. I decided to go to the same rooftop wearing a hoddie and jeans, with the clean skirt I am wearing the last time we met, inside my bag.

She's there sitting at the same spot.

"Hey" she looked at me and her eyes widened, but eventually turned into a half moon as her cheeks lift because of the happy curve on her lips.

"Did you bring the skirt?" she excitedly asked. I handed her the skirt and she looks genuinely happy. Without any hesitations, she took off her jeans and wear my skirt.

"It suits me right?" I nod, she's pretty. She signaled me to sit beside her and after a few minutes she broke the silence,

"One week, you survive a week. I am happy to see you here today. Every night, I wait for you and praying that you didn't kill yourself somewhere. Even though I told you to do it somewhere else I still pray you won't" I didn't answer. I don't know why I did not attempt to end my life after that encounter.

"I am really envious with your eyebrows it look sooo pretty, you don't have to fix it and put cosmetics as it's already thick and cute" she's so random, I was startled by the sudden compliment as I don't often hear it.

The night ended with all her stories. Stories that made me smile, stories that become music to my ears.

The usual meetings at the rooftop give me something to look forward. I didn't expect that someone's honesty will be the one that will reach me. She painted my own blue sky and made me enjoy every drop of rain. She become a friend, a precious friend that helped me feel loved, needed, and worthy. She never told me "Don't hurt yourself, don't kill yourself", in fact she's always direct in telling me "if you kill yourself, who will arrange the funeral? do you already have an insurance plan? It's too tiring for me to arrange it as I am your only friend", then we'll laugh about it.

~

"You look like you earn enough if not a lot, of money, as your clothes are branded and classy. If you're bored with your life look at those children, you can earn money and give them some. Donate to charities, and to people in the hospital who can't pay bills. At least, you'll distract yourself from the demon inside you" she suddenly mumbled as we saw street children across the street. We're heading to the hospital as she says it's the time for her regular check up and asked me to come.

When we reached the hospital, it seems the utility and nurses know her as they greet her whenever we pass through, at first I thought she's a doctor. We immediately went to a certain room and I saw a lot of paintings and her stuff inside the room.

"Is this a private room inside a hospital? it looks like you're living here. Are you sick?" I asked her but she just laughed at me.

"Everyone got sick haha I don't know about you though, maybe the heavens don't want you to die since you look so healthy. Just wait for me here I'll be quick and the nurses will just run some tests after the doctor observe me" she went outside then close the door, but she suddenly opened it again.

"Oh, leave me a suicide note there if you get impatient as you wait for me then decided to jump somewhere" I laughed and throw a pillow on her face.

"Crazy, I won't do it." she smiled and wave her hand.

~

It was raining all over the place but I had this feeling of going somewhere that filled my empty heart. I wait a little for the rain to stop and my feet walk towards the same rooftop. No sign of her. I sat there and think how my life was changed because of an unexpected encounter, how I fight my demons because of someone's encouragement. She never tell me the positive things I deniably want to hear, she made me feel it. I went home with the thoughts of fixing myself, and a promise to win against the monster inside me.

"Hello?" I waited for her to respond from the other line as I answered her call. Upon hearing her voice, I immediately rush to the same hospital that we went last week.

I went inside the room, saw a man and woman probably on their mid 50s, might be her parents. Saw her with a lot of tubes, machine, life support. I can't swallow everything and the situation won't sink in. Her mom and dad smiled at me and give us some private space. She's pale but she still smiled at me brightly.

"I'm sorry, I think-- I know I'll leave you early."

"Is this part of a regular check up?" she laughed a little as she hold my hand. I sat and faced her. I can't help my tears.

"Thank you for helping me find reason to continue living my life even though my life is shorter than anyone else. When I saw you at the rooftop for the first time, I was about to end my life, because there's no point, I am sick and only have few months to live. But I saw you, you are way sadder than I am. I am sad because of my weak body, but you don't know why you're sad. You feel empty, you feel lost. I found you, but I found myself too. Thank you for being a wonderful and pretty friend" she keeps on talking even it's hard for her.

"Don't worry, you won't arrange my funeral, I have insurance plan and parents to take charge." we laughed while we cry.

"You're being unfair." I told her

"Life is designed to be unfair, you're just too kind to realize it"

and just like that, she went far away I can't reach, unless I end my own battle.

But I won't.

~

"Thank you for your donations, this will be a great help for our children's welfare"

"You're welcome, I'm glad to help." I went outside the building after I handed the donations that I saved using my own money.

I looked back as I heard someone called my name. I smiled at her, I learned to smile. She hugged me and I hugged her back.

"Whenever I see you, it makes me remember my daughter. I miss her but you make it less painful."

Without her, I thought I'll lose myself again, but I am stronger than before. I seek medical help and I help myself as well.

Life gave me something to protect, someone to love, someone to lose, to help me realized I am not numb, sadness is not the only emotions out there so don't dwell on it.

I won against my dark thoughts. I realized I am needed, love, and worthy.

~End

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NOTE:

If you are currently depressed and have this thought of ending your life, I hope you'll be able to help yourself and let in people who are willing to help you. Maybe, the reason why those people's radiant smile won't reach you, is because you're closing the door. It's scary to let people in, but you'll let yourself in darkness if you won't open up. Seek help (medical or not) if you think you need it.

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A work of fiction

~curiouscath, Charlotte

~Thank you for reading.