1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
—Mitch Hedberg
2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman
5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain
8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
9. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck
12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
16. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
17. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
—Anonymous
18. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield
19. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson
20. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
21. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
22. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”
Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”
—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!
23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
24. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers
25. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
26. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”
—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy
27. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
28. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
29. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”
—Lessons from the Minivan
30. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”
—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory