Scene: A raucous crowd cheers. Spotlights, strobe lights, and neon sparkles dazzle. A smoke machine mystifies. Stepping onto the stage, a clownish version of a ken doll, Captain Smiley, struts around to greet the adoring onlookers. This is the live, international broadcast of……
The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show!
Captain Smiley: Greetings, all you millions of laughing lunatics out there! Welcome to everyone’s favorite prize-pumping spectacle, The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! I’m your host, Captain Smiley!
Crowd chants “Smiley, Smiley, Smiley!”
Captain Smiley: Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants, a brother and sister from Boondock, Alabama, Pam and Sam Kleptopunzinski!
Pam and Sam trot proudly onto the stage, waving ecstatically at the crowd.
Captain Smiley: Pam and Sam, tell the world a little about yourselves.
Pam: I’m Pam. I’m unhappily married and work a dead-end job and really need the money, so that’s why I’m here!
Sam: I’m Sam, I’m on welfare, and I love video games and TV!
Crowd cheers wildly….
Captain Smiley: That’s great! Welcome to the show!
Pam: We was born ready, Cap’n! Bring it on!
A small display of fireworks pops off and lights up the sky.
Captain Smiley: I like that spunk! Let’s go! The first test is trivia. Name two famous people whose names contain the letter T. It can be first or last names. You have 30 seconds.
Sam: I got this! Tom Brady and Brad Pitt!
Captain Smiley: Correct!
Crowd cheers wildly…..
Captain Smiley: Sam, looks like all that time in front of the TV has got you a PhD in useless information.
Sam: Yeah! (high fives Pam) What’s a PhD?
Crowd noise intensifies, more fireworks.
Captain Smiley: Ok, are we ready for round 2?
Crowd explodes with approval.
Captain Smiley: Ok next up is a task. I’ll tell you what it is first, and then only one of you will have to do it. Miss Robota, bring out the item necessary for this task, please (motions to a humanoid female robot, his assistant, called Miss Robota)
Miss Robota wheels out a food cart with only one covered plate in the center of the cart.
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, please remove the cover.
Miss Robota removes the cover. The plate contains a green pasty substance.
Captain Smiley: Sam and Pam, do you know what’s on that plate?
Sam: A dead frog?
Pam: Radioactive silly putty?
Captain Smiley (facepalming): I’m afraid not. It’s wasabi!
The crowd collectively gasps. Sam and Pam look confused.
Captain Smiley: Do you know what wasabi is?
Sam: Beats me, Cap’n!
Captain Smiley: Of course it does. Well, no worries, I guess. (sarcastic) What ya don’t know can’t hurt you, right? I need one of you to stick your face in that wasabi for 30 seconds, and you’re not allowed to hold your breath.
Sam: I got the first one, so you go, sis.
Captain Smiley: How valiant of you, volunteering your sister like that!
Crowd laughs hysterically, then starts chanting, “Pam, Pam, Pam!”
Pam steps up to the plate.
Captain Smiley: Ok, Pam, before you begin, I’m legally obligated to give you a fair warning. You could be seriously harmed by sticking your face into a plate of wasabi. You don’t have to do it. You can walk away now and leave with nothing but good health and a room temperature IQ. The choice is yours.
Pam (pumped up): Bring it on, Smiley!
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, will you kindly start the timer when Pam plunges her face into the wasabi please?
Pam smacks her face into the wasabi. Within 2 seconds, she unleashes a blood-curdling screech that sends chills through the crowd, even down the most stoic of spines. Within 15 seconds, her head starts shaking uncontrollably. Finally, after 30 seconds of unfathomable agony, Pam’s red and green face pops up, rivers of tears flowing out of control down her irritated cheeks, and her screaming bloody murder.
Captain Smiley: Wow! What a spectacle! Young lady, you’re either very brave, or very stupid! Sam, give your sister a hug, come on! She deserves it!
Sam: You sure that stuff ain’t contagious?
Captain Smiley (grimacing): Ok, it’s time for the moment of truth. The final round! A million dollars up for grabs! Sam, I think it falls on your shoulders, because I’m pretty sure your sister needs some medical attention!
Crowd chants “Sam, Sam, Sam!” More fireworks along with strobe lights dazzle the crowd. Pam, still crying, is escorted off stage.
Captain Smiley: Ok Sam, a million smackers on the line. Are you ready?
Sam (flexing muscles): Bring it on, Cap’n! (screams until red in the face)
Captain Smiley: The third test is a question. What is a right?
Sam (mouths drops open, eyebrow starts to twitch): Uh, Cap’n, could you repeat the question please?
Captain Smiley: What is a right?
Sam (scratching head, lips pursed out): Hmmm, that’s one helluva question. (points finger in air, excitedly) Wait, I got it! A right is the opposite of a left!
Captain Smiley: OOOOOO, surprisingly clever answer, Sam, but I’m afraid that is incorrect.
Crowd collectively awwwwwws with fake remorse.
Captain Smiley: A right is any action that does NOT initiate harm to another sentient being. Thank you Sam, for once again demonstrating how ignorant people are of their rights and how full of utterly useless and trivial information they are as well.
Sam: Do I get like a half million?
Captain Smiley: Not a snowball’s chance in hell! But we’re not sending you away empty handed, don’t you worry! You’ve won a lifetime supply of wasabi! I’d wait a while before telling your sister, if I were you, Sam!
More fireworks and strobe lights ensue…..the crowd cheers riotously…..
Captain Smiley: That’s it for tonight’s show! Stay tuned for more distractions! Until next time, world!
Thanks for your time and attention!
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