Nerd Squad – Episode 4
Scene 1
Hubert is meeting Mr. Clapper in a deserted parking lot.
Hubert: Don’t you think this is a little cliché? I mean, who really meets like this?
Mr. Clapper: Damnit, Pubert. You need to be more paranoid if you’re gonna survive in this game.
Hubert: HUBERT!
Mr. Clapper: What? Oh, right.
Hubert: Whatever. Can we hurry this up. If I’m late for work again, Berry’s gonna blackmail me again.
Mr. Clapper (feigning sympathy): Awww, geeee, I’m so sorry. Is your little dead end job at an electronics store more important than national security? Does it say in your contract that I’m not allowed to make you late for work?
Hubert (confused): I didn’t sign a contract.
Mr. Clapper: Damn right! And don’t you forget it!
Hubert: You make zero sense.
Mr. Clapper: Welcome to government work, kid. Ok, so anyway, stop distracting me. Down to business. So your next target is a known anarchist. We need to get the goods on her so she’ll lead us up the chain of command. Here’s her name and address.
Hubert (mouth gapes open as he glances at the paper): Holy socks and underwear.
Mr. Clapper: What’s the problem, kid?
Hubert: I know this girl.
Mr. Clapper: You do?! How can a scrawny twerp like you know such a knockout?
Hubert: She lives in my building.
Mr. Clapper: Really? Great!
Hubert (uncertain): I guess.
Mr. Clapper: Now you’ve got an excuse to talk to her. Don’t blow it, kid. Your country is counting on you.
Scene 2
Nerd Squad headquarters at Fried Electronics. Hubert walks in 5 minutes late after his meeting with Clapper.
Berry (excited, pointing to his watch): Hubert! You’re late! You know the drill.
Hubert (sighing, shrugging shoulders): Yeah, yeah. You get five percent of my next FBI gig so you won’t fire me.
Berry: The way you say it makes it sound so wrong.
Hubert: It is wrong!
Berry: Hey, I’ve got bills just like everybody else.
Billy: So Hubert, who’s your next unsuspecting victim?
Hubert: You know I can’t tell you.
Billy (stroking handlebar mustache): Oh, come on Hubert, you know I can’t get the office betting pool going if we don’t at least have some details.
Melinda: That’s not true. You could just have a basic bet like success or failure. Ya know, like red or black.
Billy: Good point. But it’s so much more exciting if we can make multiple bets.
Melinda: Come on Hubert. I’ll make out with you if you tell us.
Hubert: You think I’m that gullible?
Billy (to Melinda): You think he’s that desperate?
Melinda kicks Billy in the shin.
Scene 3
Hubert is driving his Toyota Tercel on his way to his apartment building to fulfill his mission.
Hubert (nervous): What am I doing? This is crazy. Maybe I should just ask her out and quit my FBI gig. No, that’s even crazier. Maybe I should just drive around aimlessly for a while and think about it. No, be a man. You got this!
Hubert parks in his usual spot.
20 minutes later, Hubert is still sitting in his car…..
Hubert: Damnit, what’s wrong with me? (slaps himself in the face) What’s wrong with you? (slaps himself in the face again)
A woman with a concerned look on her face walks by, watching Hubert slap himself in the face, shaking her head disapprovingly. They make eye contact.
Hubert (yelling out window): What! You’ve never seen a crazy guy before!?
Woman runs away…..
Hubert takes a deep breath and steps out. As he’s walking slowly towards the apartment of his target, he coincidentally runs into her (literally) as he rounds the corner, and spills her drink.
Hubert: OH! I’m so sorry!
Sophia (brushing herself off, laughing): It’s ok. I like wearing iced mochachino.
Hubert: You do? Why?
Sophia: It was a joke. Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?
Hubert (starting to sweat, shaking head slowly): Nope. Total strangers.
Sophia: Hmmm, no. Wait, I got it! Yeah, you live here in the building!
Hubert: I do?
Sophia: Yeah, yeah, you’re that guy that always looks so afraid when we cross paths. You freak out an scurry away.
Hubert: Scurry?
Sophia: Yep, I’m sure it’s you. You do live here. (holds out hand) I’m Sophia. No need to scurry.
Hubert (shakes her hand): I’m Hubert.
Sophia: Wow, your hand is sweaty. Do you always sweat this much?
Hubert: No, well, ya see, I just got done working out.
Sophia (skeptically): Really? You work out?
Hubert: Yep. I’m a huge gym rat. Actually, I’m on my way to the gym right now.
Sophia (confused): Didn’t you say you just finished?
Hubert: Um, did I?
Sophia: Yep. Well, anyway, I’m gonna go get another iced mocha. I’ll see ya around, ok?
Hubert: Yeah, I hope so.
Scene 4
Later that day at Happy’s Bar, across the street from Fried Electronics, the Nerd Squad is having some after work cocktails, minus Hubert. Hubert doesn’t usually drink. Happy, the bar owner, tends the bar. He’s tall, husky, wears skin tight clothes, and has a deep, raspy voice.
Melinda: So Mr. Clobberhead accused us today of sabotaging his equipment just so we get more business! Can you guys believe that?
Billy and Berry in unison (with deadpan faces): Yeah.
Melinda: Why do you say that?
Billy: Cuz I sabotaged his equipment.
Berry: And I told Billy to sabotage his equipment.
Happy: You guys wouldn’t do that to my system, would ya?
Billy: Nah. We don’t mess with people who can easily crush us.
Berry (nodding in agreement): Or who gives us free drinks.
Hubert walks in and approaches the group at the bar.
Happy: Are you lost?
Berry: How’d your FBI gig go today?
Billy: It went terrible. Why do you think he’s at a bar?
Melinda: You assume too much, Billy. He hasn’t even had any drinks.
Happy sets a huge glass of scotch in front of Hubert. Hubert slams it in a few gulps.
Melinda: I hate to say it, Billy, but you were right.
Hubert slouches into a barstool.
Berry: So who’s your target? Come on, we’re at a bar. Your secrets are safe here.
Hubert (pouty face): My neighbor who I’ve had a crush on for years.
Billy: Ouch, that hurts. Double fail, huh? You didn’t get your target, and you didn’t get the girl.
Hubert: I went this afternoon.
Berry: And ya chickened out.
Hubert: I ran into her.
Melinda: And?
Hubert: I literally ran into her and spilled her coffee. It was such dumb luck.
Happy (sarcastically): Are you a stranger to dumb luck, Hubert?
Billy: So you apologized and offered to replace the drink, right?
Hubert: Um, no.
Billy (facepalm): Man, that was your in! You could’ve had a date, completely by accident!
Melinda: That wouldn’t be what I’d classify as a date.
Berry: I think for Hubert that would count.
Melinda (looking Hubert up and down): You’ve got a point.
Happy (pouring another glass of scotch): Hey, look on the bright side, Hubert. She’s your neighbor, knows you exist, so the next meeting will be less awkward. (points to glass) This one is on me.
Hubert slams the double shot of scotch and starts to wobble. He jumps at the sound of his phone.
Hubert (slurring speech): Hey Clapper.
Clapper: Hubert! You were supposed to make contact after that thing you were supposed to do today!
Hubert: You mean my mission? Um, yeah, about that.
Clapper: Damnit, Hubert, don’t say mission on the phone! This is sensitive stuff!
Billy (yelling): Epic fail! Abort!
Clapper: Hubert, what the hell was that? Where are you?
Hubert (slurring): Just, just, ya know, finishing work. (giggles)
Clapper: You sound drunk! Are you at a bar?
Berry (yelling and giggling): Lie, Hubert, lie!
Clapper: Is that Berry’s voice? You didn’t tell them about that thing, did you?
Hubert: The scotch made me do it.
Clapper: You’re on thin ice, buddy.
Hubert: Ice? No, I drank it straight up.
Clapper: Sober up and get it done, Hubert. I want a full report ASAP. (hangs up)
Happy sets the entire bottle of scotch in front of Hubert.
Happy: Ya know, if ya drink enough of this stuff, there’s a chance you won’t remember any of this tomorrow.
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