Nerd Squad - Episode 3 (SATIRE)

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3 years ago

Nerd Squad – Episode 3


In the previous episode of Nerd Squad, Hubert completed his mission by stealing old Mr. Puddleston’s data from his computer. In Puddleston’s data, a new target was found. Now his FBI handler, Mr. Clapper, has a new mission in mind.


Scene 1


Back at Nerd Squad headquarters inside Fried Electronics department store…..Hubert walks in and finds Mr. Clapper waiting for him, nonchalantly twirling in a puffy office chair.


Mr. Clapper: Hey Hubert. Nice striped shirt! Wow, I didn’t think it was possible, but it actually makes you look skinnier.


Hubert (looking at himself in self-conscious manner): Well, what do you want, that I dress in all black like a cat burglar or something?


Mr. Clapper: Not criticizing, just analyzing.


Hubert: You’re here awfully early. Where’s Berry?


Berry’s voice comes from his personal office in back, with the door shut….


Berry (shouting): I’m in here, guzzling coffee, eavesdropping, and wondering where my life went wrong.


Mr. Clapper (shouting back): I thought you said you couldn’t hear from in there!


Berry: You bought that?! You’re not very good at your job!


Mr. Clapper (turns back to Hubert): Ok, kid. Here’s your next assignment. We found a guy on Puddleston’s email list that we want you to get at. His name is Mohamed Jones.


Hubert: So what did he do?


Mr. Clapper: Well, he’s Muslim.


Hubert: And?


Mr. Clapper: Do you need another reason?


Berry (yelling behind his door): I’m scared of Muslims!


Mr. Clapper: The tricky part is, he’s never been a customer here.


Hubert: So how the hell am I supposed to get into his house?


Mr. Clapper: You’re reasonably smart. Can’t you infect his computer with a virus or something?


Berry: Don’t overestimate him!


Melinda and Billy walk into the picture.

Mr. Clapper: You two aren’t privy to this conversation, so I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.


Melinda (groggy): I work here, unfortunately. You don’t.


Berry (yelling): It’s ok, you guys come in here and eavesdrop with me!


Hubert (exclamatory): Wait, I got it! Melinda can do it!


Melinda: I’m not doing anything that you think is a good idea.


Billy: I don’t blame you.


Mr. Clapper: No way, kid.


Hubert: Why not?


Clapper: Cuz she’s not on the payroll.


Hubert: So put her on the payroll!


Melinda: I’m listening.


Clapper: You guys gotta go.


Melinda: I’m declaring myself privy to this conversation. What am I getting paid for?


Clapper: You’re not!


Berry (comes out of office): Spying on a Muslim. You gotta somehow get Hubert into his house in a quasi-legitimate way.


Billy: A Muslim? That’s simple, just show him some ankle, Melinda.


Clapper (scribbling furiously on notepad, then rips sheet off and hands to Hubert): Here’s his address and all the info you need, kid. I’m leaving it in your hands. (flustered) If you screw this up, there’ll be consequences!


Clapper leaves the building hastily.


Melinda: So I want a 60 percent cut.


Hubert: I’m perfectly capable of doing this alone. And why 60? It should be 50/50.


Berry: Hey, if you’re doing this on company time, I’m gonna need at least 20 percent.


Hubert (flustered): What? No, I’ll do it on my own time.


Billy (laughing): You’re just gonna show up at some random dude’s house and convince him to let you in. Not only let you in, but get onto his personal computer?


Hubert (proud, defiant): Yep!


Billy: Great, I’ll start the office pool right now. This is gonna be epic!


Berry: Hey, while you’re at it, Billy, run across the street to Happy’s Bar and see if the staff wants in!


5 minutes later……Hubert is sitting in his old Toyota Tercel, unsure what to do.


Hubert: Hmmm, maybe I’ll try calling first, rather than in person. (looks at phone, takes deep breath, dials number)


Phone ringing…..


Mohamed: Hello?


Hubert (nervous, fumbling for words): Hi, you don’t have an accent.


Mohamed: Who is this?


Hubert: Oh, um, this is Hubert from Fried Electronics Nerd Squad. We’re offering free computer tune-ups.


Mohamed: I hate Fried Electronics. Don’t call again. (click)


Hubert (sweating): Glad that wasn’t in person.


5 minutes later…Hubert walks back into the office…..


Billy (sarcastic): Hubert! Epically astonished to see you back so soon!


Melinda: I should raise my cut to 70.


Hubert: Ok, ok, 60 percent, and you can’t tell Clapper. Deal?


Melinda: Deal. You get paid 500, right?


Hubert: Yep.


Melinda: What’s 60 percent of 500?


Billy: More than you make here in a week.


Berry: I still want my 20 percent, too.


Hubert: So I’m risking my neck and make the same amount as you, Berry? How is that fair?


Berry (nonchalant, uncaring): It’s not.


Scene 2


Melinda is approaching Mohamed’s modest, well-maintained house in the suburbs. She’s dressed to impress. Hubert is waiting in his Tercel around the corner. Melinda knocks at front door.


Mohamed (pleasant, smiling): Can I help you?


Melinda: Hi, I’m from Computers-R-Us. We’re offering a free computer check-up and free maintenance for six months.


Mohamed: Sure, sounds great! Come on in!


Melinda: I’ll send someone over right away.


Mohamed frowns as Melinda walks away.


2 minutes later, Hubert is knocking on the door….


Mohamed: Can I help you?


Hubert: I’m Hubert, from Computers-R-Us.


Mohamed: What happened to the girl?


Hubert: She’s just in sales. I’m the tech guy.


Mohamed: Bummer. (rolls eyes) Come in, I guess.


As they walk through the house, Hubert notices a handsome, fully stocked gun rack. He also sees some bacon strips on the kitchen table.


Hubert: I thought Muslims don’t eat pork.


Mohamed (surprised): What makes you think I’m Muslim?


Hubert (grasping for words): Oh, I dunno. Just, ya know.


Mohamed: Because of my name?


Hubert: Maybe.


Mohamed: I’m not Muslim, and I’ve never even visited a so-called Muslim country. (gestures to the desk and computer) Have a seat.


Hubert sits. Mohamed stares at him.


Hubert: Could I have some water?


Mohamed (suspicious): I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone. You can come with me to the kitchen if you want.


Hubert: On second thought, this will only take a few minutes. I’ll be ok. (digs out cell phone from pocket) Gotta contact work real quick.


Hubert sends a text to Melinda and asks for her to come knock again. A few minutes later, a loud bang on the door.


Mohamed: I’ll be back, fast.


Mohamed opens front door.


Melinda: Hey, sorry, me again. I got a flat tire, can you help me real quick? My car is a just around the corner.


Mohamed: I suppose I could take a look.


Hubert takes the opportunity to copy Mohamed’s hard drive. Mohamed returns.


Hubert: All finished up!


Mohamed: Your sales girl’s car got stolen.


Hubert (feigning shock): Oh no!


Mohamed: She’s outside crying.


Hubert: Ok, well, I’d better get going. Your computer is in tip-top shape.


Mohamed: Where is your store located?


Hubert: Um, downtown. I’ll email you.


Mohamed: Do you need my email address?


Hubert: Nope, already got it.


Mohamed: I didn’t give it to you.


Hubert: Ya didn’t? Well, then, I’d better get it.


Mohamed (suspicious): On second thought, let me get your contact info as well.


They swap contact info. Hubert leaves.


Scene 3


The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics…...


Melinda: So Hubert gave him his real name and contact info.


Billy (laughing): This surprises you?


Melinda: It does, but it shouldn’t.


Berry: Where is that little pip-squeak, anyway?


Melinda: Hopefully collecting our money.


Scene 4

Hubert is talking with Clapper at a park.


Clapper (laughing): You gave him your real name?


Hubert: Is that a problem?


Clapper: For you, it might be. Not for me, that’s why I’m laughing.


Hubert: So when’s my next assignment?


Clapper: After we dig through this Muslim guy’s data, we’ll find someone for ya.


Hubert: He’s not even Muslim, ya know.


Clapper (paranoid, looking over shoulder): That’s what he’d like us to think.


Scene 5


The next day, Clapper is in the office of his boss, Mr. Prick, at FBI headquarters.


Mr. Prick (pacing around anxiously): Wow, a Muslim with guns, a garden, and has contact with an anarchist.


Clapper (shaking head): What is this world coming to, sir?


Mr. Prick (slams fist on desk, dark red face): Damnit, Clapper, isn’t it obvious?! It’s a damn Anarcho-Muslim Gun And Garden Network!


Clapper (scratching chin thoughtfully): Hmmmm, that’s a hell of an acronym, sir. AMGAGN. It’s just so crazy, it might be right!


Mr. Prick (hands on hips): Damnit, clapper, of course it’s right! I thought of it, didn’t I?


Clapper: I can’t argue with that flawless logic, sir. The question is, what do we do now?


Mr. Prick: You send the kid after this anarchist girl, that’s what! She’ll lead us up the ladder to the AMGAGN leadership!


Clapper: Are you sure you want to use such an incompetent asset on a high value target, sir?


Mr. Prick (slams hand on desk again): Damnit, Clapper! Of course. The more incompetent, the more plausible deniability he gives us. We need results, Clapper! Now get on it!


Clapper (standing and saluting): Yes, sir!

Thanks for your time and attention!

Check out my internet archive

https://archive.org/details/@todd_borho















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