Nerd Squad – Episode 3
In the previous episode of Nerd Squad, Hubert completed his mission by stealing old Mr. Puddleston’s data from his computer. In Puddleston’s data, a new target was found. Now his FBI handler, Mr. Clapper, has a new mission in mind.
Scene 1
Back at Nerd Squad headquarters inside Fried Electronics department store…..Hubert walks in and finds Mr. Clapper waiting for him, nonchalantly twirling in a puffy office chair.
Mr. Clapper: Hey Hubert. Nice striped shirt! Wow, I didn’t think it was possible, but it actually makes you look skinnier.
Hubert (looking at himself in self-conscious manner): Well, what do you want, that I dress in all black like a cat burglar or something?
Mr. Clapper: Not criticizing, just analyzing.
Hubert: You’re here awfully early. Where’s Berry?
Berry’s voice comes from his personal office in back, with the door shut….
Berry (shouting): I’m in here, guzzling coffee, eavesdropping, and wondering where my life went wrong.
Mr. Clapper (shouting back): I thought you said you couldn’t hear from in there!
Berry: You bought that?! You’re not very good at your job!
Mr. Clapper (turns back to Hubert): Ok, kid. Here’s your next assignment. We found a guy on Puddleston’s email list that we want you to get at. His name is Mohamed Jones.
Hubert: So what did he do?
Mr. Clapper: Well, he’s Muslim.
Hubert: And?
Mr. Clapper: Do you need another reason?
Berry (yelling behind his door): I’m scared of Muslims!
Mr. Clapper: The tricky part is, he’s never been a customer here.
Hubert: So how the hell am I supposed to get into his house?
Mr. Clapper: You’re reasonably smart. Can’t you infect his computer with a virus or something?
Berry: Don’t overestimate him!
Melinda and Billy walk into the picture.
Mr. Clapper: You two aren’t privy to this conversation, so I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Melinda (groggy): I work here, unfortunately. You don’t.
Berry (yelling): It’s ok, you guys come in here and eavesdrop with me!
Hubert (exclamatory): Wait, I got it! Melinda can do it!
Melinda: I’m not doing anything that you think is a good idea.
Billy: I don’t blame you.
Mr. Clapper: No way, kid.
Hubert: Why not?
Clapper: Cuz she’s not on the payroll.
Hubert: So put her on the payroll!
Melinda: I’m listening.
Clapper: You guys gotta go.
Melinda: I’m declaring myself privy to this conversation. What am I getting paid for?
Clapper: You’re not!
Berry (comes out of office): Spying on a Muslim. You gotta somehow get Hubert into his house in a quasi-legitimate way.
Billy: A Muslim? That’s simple, just show him some ankle, Melinda.
Clapper (scribbling furiously on notepad, then rips sheet off and hands to Hubert): Here’s his address and all the info you need, kid. I’m leaving it in your hands. (flustered) If you screw this up, there’ll be consequences!
Clapper leaves the building hastily.
Melinda: So I want a 60 percent cut.
Hubert: I’m perfectly capable of doing this alone. And why 60? It should be 50/50.
Berry: Hey, if you’re doing this on company time, I’m gonna need at least 20 percent.
Hubert (flustered): What? No, I’ll do it on my own time.
Billy (laughing): You’re just gonna show up at some random dude’s house and convince him to let you in. Not only let you in, but get onto his personal computer?
Hubert (proud, defiant): Yep!
Billy: Great, I’ll start the office pool right now. This is gonna be epic!
Berry: Hey, while you’re at it, Billy, run across the street to Happy’s Bar and see if the staff wants in!
5 minutes later……Hubert is sitting in his old Toyota Tercel, unsure what to do.
Hubert: Hmmm, maybe I’ll try calling first, rather than in person. (looks at phone, takes deep breath, dials number)
Phone ringing…..
Mohamed: Hello?
Hubert (nervous, fumbling for words): Hi, you don’t have an accent.
Mohamed: Who is this?
Hubert: Oh, um, this is Hubert from Fried Electronics Nerd Squad. We’re offering free computer tune-ups.
Mohamed: I hate Fried Electronics. Don’t call again. (click)
Hubert (sweating): Glad that wasn’t in person.
5 minutes later…Hubert walks back into the office…..
Billy (sarcastic): Hubert! Epically astonished to see you back so soon!
Melinda: I should raise my cut to 70.
Hubert: Ok, ok, 60 percent, and you can’t tell Clapper. Deal?
Melinda: Deal. You get paid 500, right?
Hubert: Yep.
Melinda: What’s 60 percent of 500?
Billy: More than you make here in a week.
Berry: I still want my 20 percent, too.
Hubert: So I’m risking my neck and make the same amount as you, Berry? How is that fair?
Berry (nonchalant, uncaring): It’s not.
Scene 2
Melinda is approaching Mohamed’s modest, well-maintained house in the suburbs. She’s dressed to impress. Hubert is waiting in his Tercel around the corner. Melinda knocks at front door.
Mohamed (pleasant, smiling): Can I help you?
Melinda: Hi, I’m from Computers-R-Us. We’re offering a free computer check-up and free maintenance for six months.
Mohamed: Sure, sounds great! Come on in!
Melinda: I’ll send someone over right away.
Mohamed frowns as Melinda walks away.
2 minutes later, Hubert is knocking on the door….
Mohamed: Can I help you?
Hubert: I’m Hubert, from Computers-R-Us.
Mohamed: What happened to the girl?
Hubert: She’s just in sales. I’m the tech guy.
Mohamed: Bummer. (rolls eyes) Come in, I guess.
As they walk through the house, Hubert notices a handsome, fully stocked gun rack. He also sees some bacon strips on the kitchen table.
Hubert: I thought Muslims don’t eat pork.
Mohamed (surprised): What makes you think I’m Muslim?
Hubert (grasping for words): Oh, I dunno. Just, ya know.
Mohamed: Because of my name?
Hubert: Maybe.
Mohamed: I’m not Muslim, and I’ve never even visited a so-called Muslim country. (gestures to the desk and computer) Have a seat.
Hubert sits. Mohamed stares at him.
Hubert: Could I have some water?
Mohamed (suspicious): I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone. You can come with me to the kitchen if you want.
Hubert: On second thought, this will only take a few minutes. I’ll be ok. (digs out cell phone from pocket) Gotta contact work real quick.
Hubert sends a text to Melinda and asks for her to come knock again. A few minutes later, a loud bang on the door.
Mohamed: I’ll be back, fast.
Mohamed opens front door.
Melinda: Hey, sorry, me again. I got a flat tire, can you help me real quick? My car is a just around the corner.
Mohamed: I suppose I could take a look.
Hubert takes the opportunity to copy Mohamed’s hard drive. Mohamed returns.
Hubert: All finished up!
Mohamed: Your sales girl’s car got stolen.
Hubert (feigning shock): Oh no!
Mohamed: She’s outside crying.
Hubert: Ok, well, I’d better get going. Your computer is in tip-top shape.
Mohamed: Where is your store located?
Hubert: Um, downtown. I’ll email you.
Mohamed: Do you need my email address?
Hubert: Nope, already got it.
Mohamed: I didn’t give it to you.
Hubert: Ya didn’t? Well, then, I’d better get it.
Mohamed (suspicious): On second thought, let me get your contact info as well.
They swap contact info. Hubert leaves.
Scene 3
The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics…...
Melinda: So Hubert gave him his real name and contact info.
Billy (laughing): This surprises you?
Melinda: It does, but it shouldn’t.
Berry: Where is that little pip-squeak, anyway?
Melinda: Hopefully collecting our money.
Scene 4
Hubert is talking with Clapper at a park.
Clapper (laughing): You gave him your real name?
Hubert: Is that a problem?
Clapper: For you, it might be. Not for me, that’s why I’m laughing.
Hubert: So when’s my next assignment?
Clapper: After we dig through this Muslim guy’s data, we’ll find someone for ya.
Hubert: He’s not even Muslim, ya know.
Clapper (paranoid, looking over shoulder): That’s what he’d like us to think.
Scene 5
The next day, Clapper is in the office of his boss, Mr. Prick, at FBI headquarters.
Mr. Prick (pacing around anxiously): Wow, a Muslim with guns, a garden, and has contact with an anarchist.
Clapper (shaking head): What is this world coming to, sir?
Mr. Prick (slams fist on desk, dark red face): Damnit, Clapper, isn’t it obvious?! It’s a damn Anarcho-Muslim Gun And Garden Network!
Clapper (scratching chin thoughtfully): Hmmmm, that’s a hell of an acronym, sir. AMGAGN. It’s just so crazy, it might be right!
Mr. Prick (hands on hips): Damnit, clapper, of course it’s right! I thought of it, didn’t I?
Clapper: I can’t argue with that flawless logic, sir. The question is, what do we do now?
Mr. Prick: You send the kid after this anarchist girl, that’s what! She’ll lead us up the ladder to the AMGAGN leadership!
Clapper: Are you sure you want to use such an incompetent asset on a high value target, sir?
Mr. Prick (slams hand on desk again): Damnit, Clapper! Of course. The more incompetent, the more plausible deniability he gives us. We need results, Clapper! Now get on it!
Clapper (standing and saluting): Yes, sir!
Thanks for your time and attention!
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