Nerd Squad – Episode 2
In the previous episode of Nerd Squad, Hubert, a tech support worker from Fried Electronics Store, accepted a job with the FBI as a spy. The saga resumes in Episode 2, as Hubert takes on his first assignment, to spy on regular customer, 80 year old widower Mr. Puddleston.
Scene 1
Hubert is approaching the humble suburban home of Mr. Puddleston.
Hubert (nervous, mumbling to himself): Oh, my God. What am I doing? I’m a spy. What? I’m spying on Mr. Puddleston. I probably shouldn’t be saying this out loud. Nobody can hear me, right?
Hubert gets to the front door and rings doorbell. After a few moments, he gets impatient and rings it multiple times. Mr. Puddleston finally answers.
Mr. Puddleston (weak, old man voice): Hi, Hubert. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was in the back yard tending the garden. Come on in.
Hubert: No problem. (wipes sweat from brow, eyes dart around nervously as he makes mental notes of the house)
Mr. Puddleston: You ok?
Hubert (hands shaking): Sure, why do you ask? I’m great. Everything is normal.
Mr. Puddleston: You’re sweating and shaking. Did you get beat up again?
Hubert: Don’t be silly. That never happens! So what’s going on with your machine?
Mr. Puddleston: Take your pick. My blender’s on the fritz, too. Couldn’t have my morning oatmeal, garlic, banana, and kale smoothie.
Hubert (grim): How awful. I was referring to your desktop computer.
They continue into the living room and approach the computer. Hubert immediately notices that the computer is unplugged, but pretends to not notice so he can get access to the hard drive.
Mr. Puddleston: She won’t even boot up. I don’t even know why I have the darn thing.
Hubert: To email your grandchildren, right?
Mr. Puddleston (huffy): Yeah, nobody can talk on the phone anymore.
Hubert: Well, I’ll take a look and you can get back to your garden.
Mr. Puddleston: I’ll watch for a bit. Who knows, maybe I’ll learn something.
Hubert (anxious): I wouldn’t count on it. Ya know what I could use? Some coffee. Would you mind?
Mr. Puddleston: Coffee maker broke last week. Damn Chinese.
Hubert: Your coffee maker breaking isn’t exactly a good reason to belittle well over a billion people. Maybe an omelette?
Mr. Puddleston: At two in the afternoon?
Hubert (testy): Anything from the kitchen that takes a few minutes to make!
Mr. Puddleston: Corndog?
Hubert: Sure, nuke me a dog. That’s great.
Mr. Puddleston walks away. Hubert plugs in the computer, copies the hard drive onto a memory stick, then starts snooping around the room. As he’s leaning over a corner table next to a window, he knocks over a vase that shatters into bits. Mr. Puddleston walks in.
Mr. Puddleston: Hubert!
Hubert: I’m so sorry.
Mr. Puddleston: That was my wife’s favorite vase!
Hubert (grimacing): I’ll make it up to you somehow.
Mr. Puddleston: It’s ok. I always hated the thing.
Hubert (surprised and relieved): Ok, well, on the bright side, your computer is running like a champ.
Mr. Puddleston: What was the problem?
Hubert (fumbling for an explanation): Oh, um, it was, ya know, pretty technical.
Mr. Puddleston: You think I’m some sort of dummy?
Hubert: No, not at all. (glances at non-existent watch) I really need to get going. (starts walking to the exit)
Mr. Puddleston: What about the corndog?
Scene 2
Hubert is waiting for his FBI contact, Richard Clapper, on the outer edges of the Fried Electronics parking lot. A black Prius approaches and Clapper gets out, dressed in a black suit, wearing shades, gawking around in a paranoid manner, and holding a briefcase.
Hubert: You drive a Prius?
Clapper: We can’t all drive black Mercedes, now can we?
Hubert: Are you really FBI?
Clapper: Watch your mouth, kid. You got the goods?
Hubert: Interesting choice of words. And why a parking lot? Don’t you think it looks suspicious?
Clapper: You shouldn’t be so paranoid.
Hubert starts to hand the memory stick to Clapper, but then….
Clapper: No! Don’t hand it directly to me! Put it in the passenger seat of my car.
Hubert (confused): Okaaay. (puts memory stick on seat)
Clapper: Damn rookies. Ok, so I’m gonna put this briefcase in your car.
Hubert: Ok, then what?
Clapper (rolling eyes): No questions, remember? (puts briefcase in Hubert’s old Toyota Tercel)
Hubert just stares at Clapper for a minute.
Clapper: Well, go ahead and open it!
Hubert huffs, opens the briefcase, and finds a thick stack of one dollar bills. He shoves the bills into his glove compartment.
Clapper: Well.
Hubert: What?
Clapper: Gimme the damn briefcase back. (Hubert hands back the case)
Clapper: So what’d you see at the old man’s house?
Hubert: Well, he’s got a garden.
Clapper (throws hands in air in disgust): I knew it! Damn preppers!
Hubert: He’s got a bunch of pictures of his family all over his house.
Clapper: Never trust a man with a big family. Muslims have huge families, ya know.
Hubert: I’m struggling to comprehend the significance of that.
Clapper: You’ll learn.
Hubert: He has really disgusting smoothies for breakfast and has tons of furniture from the seventies.
Clapper: Does he have any guns?
Hubert: I didn’t see any.
Clapper: Wiley old prepper-terrorist must be hiding his arsenal! Great job, kid! I gotta run!
Clapper hastily gets in his Prius and speeds across the parking lot, nearly hitting a teenager, and drawing general ire from onlookers.
Hubert: What have I gotten into?
Scene 3
Hubert is driving home in the vaunted Yota T-cell….
Hubert (feeling good, winks at self in rear-view mirror): James Bond’s got nothin on me.
Police lights suddenly flash behind Hubert……
Hubert: Oh, fudgesickles! (pulls car over)
Cop approaches the old T-cell….
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Hubert (nervous, runs hand through hair): Umm, well, no.
Cop: You were going 43 in a 40 zone.
Hubert: Is it that time of the month?
Cop (angry): What’s that supposed to mean?
Hubert (shaky): Ya know, for quotas.
Cop: Why are you so nervous?
Hubert: Cuz I don’t like police.
Cop: What?!
Hubert: I mean, um, geez. Cops just make me nervous, I’m sorry.
Cop: I’m gonna need to search your vehicle. Please step out.
Hubert gets out and stands by as the cop rummages though his stuff. He opens the glove box and a giant pile of ones falls out.
Cop: Hmmm, that’s interesting. Why so much money, and in small bills?
Hubert (eyes rolling in back of head, trying to think of good excuse): Would you believe me if I told you I were a stripper?
Cop (huffing): This looks awful bad, kid. I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do, though. You seem decent, so I’ll let ya off the hook, but I can’t let you go on with a pile of cash like that.
Hubert (frowning): You can’t?
Cop: Nope, I’ll just take it and be on my way.
Hubert: I’m not getting a ticket?
Cop (grinning): Nope, it’s your lucky day.
Scene 4
The next day at Fried Electronics, Hubert walks in and is greeted by his milieu…..
Billy: Did the FBI fire you yet?
Hubert: Not yet.
Billy frowns and hands 20 bucks to Melinda.
Melinda: So how’d it go at Mr. Puddleston’s?
Hubert: You know I can’t talk about that.
Melinda (hands on hips): Oooo, look at big mister top secret!
Billy: So whatcha gonna do with all that cash? Make a down payment on a new and improved T-cell?
Hubert (sighing deeply): Well, that might be jumping the gun a bit. I don’t have the money.
Melinda (laughing): You didn’t get paid? You got ripped off by the FBI?
Hubert: No, they paid me, but I got pulled over on my way home.
Billy: So?
Hubert: So that paranoid psycho, Dick Clapper, paid me with 500 one dollar bills. The cop said it was suspicious, so he took it.
Billy (laughing with arms folded): Just remember, there’s a lesson to be learned here.
Hubert: Oh yeah. What’s that?
Billy: Damned if I know. Good luck.
The Nerd Squad manager, Berry, opens his office door and yells….
Berry: Hubert! Get in here!
Hubert walks in, hunched over and dejected.
Berry: How’d your first mission go?
Hubert: Can’t say.
Berry: Right. Top secret. So your freak boss from the FBI called.
Hubert: Ok, whatsup?
Berry: He wants you to call him.
Hubert (confused): Why didn’t you just put me on the line with him?
Berry: He said it wasn’t a secure line or some mumbo jumbo. He said to call him from a pay phone.
Hubert (wrinkling nose, shocked): What? Do those even still exist?
Berry: Yes, they do. And yes, I’m that old.
Hubert: Where can I find one?
Berry: Actually, he gave me specific directions to a particular pay phone he wants you to use.
Hubert: This isn’t worth the money.
Berry: He also said not to send the directions to you electronically, so here’s a crumply piece of paper with my scribble.
Hubert takes the paper and squints at it for a moment, trying to decipher the scribble.
Hubert: This is all the way on the other side of town!
Berry: And I’ll have to dock your pay while you’re gone.
Scene 5
Hubert has a phone in his hand at a phone booth in a sketchy neighborhood….
Clapper: Good news, kid. Mr. Prick is happy with your work and is ready to give you another job.
Hubert: Who’s Mr. Prick?
Clapper: My boss.
Hubert: Should you be telling me that?
Clapper: Probably not. Anyway, there’s a person of interest we got from Mr. Puddleston’s files. I’ll be into Fried Electronics tomorrow to talk it over with you.
Hubert: You made me drive all the way to a pay phone, and then you give away the location of our meetings?
Clapper: Good point. Oh well. I’ll see ya tomorrow.
Hubert (sarcastically): Can’t wait. (slams receiver down in disgust)
An unsavory character approaches Hubert.
Unsavory Character: Hey dude.
Hubert tries to walk away.
Unsavory Character: That your ride?
Hubert: Yep, that’s my old beast.
Unsavory Character: Tell ya what. I’ll let ya keep it for 20 bucks.
Hubert reaches in pocket and pulls out 20.
Hubert: That’s all I’ve got.
Unsavory Character: Not true. You’ve got this rolling junk pile.
End Episode 2
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