Nerd Squad – Episode 1 - Comedy
Premise: FBI recruits an incompetent tech-support nerd from a local big box electronics store called “Fried’s Electronics”.
Characters:
Hubert – Tech support geek that is recruited to spy for the FBI.
Berry – Hubert’s balding, domineering boss at the electronics store.
Richard Clapper – The FBI recruiter and handler for Hubert.
Melinda – Hubert’s co-worker.
Billy – Hubert’s co-worker
Scene 1
Inside a big box electronics store called “Fried Electronics”…….
Berry (yelling from his office chair in a domineering manner): Hey, Melinda! Hubert’s not back from his service call yet?
Melinda (sarcastic, yelling back from a spot at the customer service desk): I’m not sure! I forgot to turn his tracking chip on!
Berry: Very funny!
Melinda: I thought so!
Billy walks towards Melinda from his cashier’s post and joins the banter.
Billy: Hey, I’ve got an office pool going right now. 2 to 1 odds Hubert managed to screw up the client’s machine worse than it was before.
Berry (thinking): Define screw up.
Melinda: How much is the pool?
Billy: Over 50 so far.
Melinda: What the hell, I’m in. It’ll at least give me the illusion that my job is interesting.
Berry: I heard that!
Melinda: I wasn’t trying to hide it!
Hubert walks in the main entrance, nearly bumps into a customer, then joins the milieu.
Hubert (approaching Berry): Berry, I’ve got bad news.
Berry (rolling eyes): Here we go. (sighs) What happened?
Hubert: Well, I had a service call ya know, to install more RAM on a laptop. It was a nice old lady, and she offered me some hot tea.
Billy (whispering to Melinda): This oughta be ripe.
Hubert: I set the tea next to me while I was working on the laptop, and just as I was about to take my first sip, a giant orange cat leaped at me outta nowhere! (pauses)
Berry: Ok, and?
Hubert: And I spilled the tea on her laptop, which no longer functions.
Melinda: Can you fire him now? I’ve been waiting for this moment.
Billy: Why? He’s the only guy here that is desperate enough to find you attractive.
Berry (leaning back in chair, scratching chin): Hmmm, firing Hubert is tempting.
Hubert: Could you not refer to me in the third person when I’m standing right here please?
Berry: Pay for the laptop out of your own pocket, and I won’t fire you.
Hubert: Great, thanks.
Berry: Yet.
A middle-aged, paranoid looking, sharp dressed man in a black suit walks in the main entrance to the store and approaches Billy and Melinda. Berry hates customers, so he slams his office door.
Mysterious Man: Hey, is the boss man around?
Melinda (condescending): He sure is! But he avoids customers like the plague, so unless you’re here to give him like a million dollars or something, then you have no hope.
Mysterious Man: I’m from the federal government.
Billy (pointing to Berry’s office door): That’s his office right there!
Mysterious man approaches Berry’s door and does a super loud cop knock.
Billy (whispering to Melinda and Hubert in the background): I knew he didn’t pay his taxes!
Berry answers the door.
Berry: Hi, I’m Berry, the manager here. That’s Berry with an “E”. Can I help you?
Mysterious Man: You spell your name like the fruit?
Berry: Helps me stand out.
Mysterious Man: I’m from the federal government, with a capital “G”. I need a word with you in private.
They step into Berry’s office.
Mysterious Man: I’m FBI Agent Richard Clapper.
Berry (eyes narrowing, twisting lips): Hmmmm, Richard Clapper?
Clapper (impatient): Yeah.
Berry (laughing): Dick Clapper?
Clapper: Like I’ve never heard that one before.
Berry: Sorry, how can I help you?
Clapper: I’m here to recruit one of your Nerd Squad technicians.
Berry (scratching bald head): Is the FBI that hard up for tech support?
Clapper (sighing): No, not tech support. We need spies. Lots of dangerous villains out there these days after 9/11, ya know.
Berry: Oh, sure. Well, ok, the best and brightest we have to offer is definitely Melinda.
Clapper: Oh, no no. I don’t want your best or your brightest.
Berry (confused): Excuse me?
Clapper: No, we prefer borderline morons. It gives us something we call “plausible deniability”. Ya know, nobody would ever believe that the FBI would employ a buffoon as a spy. Get it?
Berry (shocked): I guess. (shrugs shoulders) Well, suit yourself. I guess Hubert would be your man.
Clapper: Is that the awkward looking, self-conscious fellow out there?
Berry: You have a well-trained eye.
Clapper: That’s strange. Usually guys like that are brilliant behind a keyboard.
Berry: Yeah, usually that’s the case. That’s what I thought when I hired him. He holds the national corporate record for most failed service calls.
Clapper (exuberant): Perfect! Bring him in here!
Berry slings the door open…..
Berry (yelling): Hey, Hubert! In here, now!
Hubert gulps heavily and his eyes dart around nervously.
Billy (to Melinda): If he goes to prison, then Berry won’t have to fire him.
Melinda: This day is looking up.
Hubert walks into the office reluctantly. Berry slams the door. Clapper slaps Hubert on the back and nearly knocks him over.
Clapper: Congratulations! I’m giving you the opportunity of a lifetime, a chance to serve your country and keep it safe from terrorists!
Hubert (looking at Berry): Is this one of your cruel practical jokes, Berry?
Berry: Does it look like I’m laughing?
Clapper: It’s no joke, son. The FBI is looking for individuals like yourself to help us keep the country safe. And it pays well, too. What do ya say?
Hubert: Um, well, what would I be doing exactly?
Clapper: Rule number one to working for us, Pubert.
Hubert: Hubert.
Clapper: Oh, sorry, Hubert. Rule number one is to not ask questions. Got it?
Hubert: Will I get a gun?
Clapper (grimacing): That counts as a question, and the answer is now, and always will be, a thunderous no. (puts his arm around Hubert) Come on, what do ya say?
Hubert: Well, yeah, that sounds exciting. I can’t wait to tell my friends!
Clapper: Oh no, this is top secret. You can’t tell anyone, ok?
Berry: Don’t worry. He doesn’t have any friends.
Clapper: Perfect!
Hubert: So when do I start?
Clapper: When is your next service call?
Hubert: In an hour. Mr. Puddleston again. Probably an easy fix. Last time he just forgot to plug his desktop in. Silly old man.
Clapper: Excellent. He’ll be your first assignment.
Hubert (silly look of uncertainty on his face): Mr. Puddleston? The guy is like 80 years old! How could he possibly be a terrorist?
Clapper: Can’t leave any stone unturned, son. The more nondescript they appear, the more dangerous they could be.
Hubert: I’m not sure I can do this. I’ve been to his house at least 10 times. He shared oatmeal with me. We’ve bonded!
Clapper: You get 500 bucks per assignment.
Hubert (beaming): On second thought, it was crappy oatmeal. I think I’ll do it.
Clapper: Great! (turns to Berry) I’m gonna need you to step out for a moment.
Berry: But this is my office!
Clapper glares at him.
Berry: Ok, ok. (walks out and slams door)
Melinda: What’s going on, Berry?
Berry: They’re making Hubert a spy.
Melinda: What?!
Clapper (yelling from behind the door): I heard that!
Berry: You didn’t say that I couldn’t say anything!
Clapper (speaking to Hubert): So here’s what ya do. It’s really simple. You make mental notes of things around his house, anything that might seem suspicious. Then you copy his entire hard drive and report back to me.
Hubert (biting lower lip, having second thoughts): 500 bucks, huh?
Clapper: Cash.
Hubert (holds hand out): Deal!
Clapper shakes Hubert’s hand briskly.
Hubert: Ow!
Clapper (handing Hubert a business card): Call me at this number when you’re ready to report. I expect to hear from you within 24 hours.
They walk out and find Hubert’s co-workers standing around with their arms crossed and beleaguered looks on their faces. Clapper looks around in a paranoid manner a few times quickly, then puts on his shades and leaves the store.
Melinda: Why you!? I’m the best techie here! It’s not fair!
Hubert (pompous): I guess the FBI doesn’t share your less than expert opinion of yourself, missy.
Billy: He’ll blow it.
Hubert (puffing bird-chest out, circling close to Melinda): So now that I’m a spy, I suppose you find me irresistible.
Melinda: Berry, I feel nauseous. Can I go home?
Berry: And miss the excitement? Hubert Bond here has his first assignment in less than an hour. You’re not gonna want to miss this!
Billy: Mr. Puddleston? You’re going to spy on Mr. Puddleston?
Hubert (nervous): Hey, keep your voice down. You’re not even supposed to know.
Billy: Can I go with you? I want to film you screwing up. I figure it should be worth at least a hundred thousand views on youtube.
Hubert (huffing); Berry, I’m taking my lunch now so I can prep for Puddleston, ok?
Berry: Sure, good luck! Be careful! That old man could whip ya in a heartbeat!
Everyone laughs as Hubert walks out.
End Episode 1
To be continued…..
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