James Bong Episode 4
Scene 1
James Bong is sprawled out on the floor of K’s place in Acapulco snoozing away.
K (nudging Bong with foot): Bong!
Bong (dazed): Huh, what? I’m trying to sleep.
K: You’ve been cuttin zees for over 12 hours, most of which has been filled with unpleasant, involuntary bodily noises.
Bong (rising to feet, sleepy-eyed, offended): Bullocks.
K: I’ve got holographic video to prove it if you want.
Bong (sighing): Not necessary.
K: Anyway, we’ve got work to do. A big job is just around the corner.
Bong: Have you managed to get some useful intel from our plants in Small’s office?
K (puffy cheeks): Not exactly.
Bong: It’s been a week. What the hell is taking you so long?
K: It’s a lot of data to sift through! Anyway, what I do have is intel from the DEA that a big raid is about to happen in a few days.
Bong: I’m listening.
K: The biggest cannabis dispensary in California, Kushy Budz, is about to get raided.
Mysterious female voice comes from the background
Female Voice: K, I have finished the tasks you assigned me.
Bong (turns around and is shocked to see a female humanoid robot): How long was I asleep?
Female Robot: You were sleeping for 12 hours, 9 minutes, and 3 seconds. Your snoring registered a .00000001433 on the Richter Scale. That could be a problem. Would you like a medical exam?
Bong (jaw dropped): No, I don’t want a medical exam. (turns to K) What the hell have you done?
K (laughing): Bong, this is Symphy.
Bong: Where’d it come from?
K: I finished her yesterday.
Bong: You built it?
K (proudly): Yep. My finest work yet.
Bong (facepalm): OH, brother. Is that why you haven’t found intel from our bugs at Small’s yet?
K (twiddling thumbs nervously): Well, I’m not sure I’d say that.
Bong: In other words, a deafening yes. We need to get to Small and Sir Trax.
K: What we need, Bong, is already happening. People are learning about rights and anarchy thanks to our work. Small and Trax are just cogs, nothing more.
Bong: That might be, but I’ve got a personal vendetta against those cogs. Knowledge will spread, but I’ve got a score to settle as well with those two.
K: Yeah, I get it. That’s fine. Just be patient and I’ll find something we can use against them.
Bong: And in the meantime, you’re building robots in your spare time.
K: She’s actually a primitive form of AI, not a robot.
Bong: Well, she’s not going on any missions with me.
K: Who said she was? I wouldn’t risk her to save your arrogant ass, anyway.
Bong: How comforting. So what about this raid.
K: Kushy Budz dispensary is in L.A. It’s a joint raid between DEA and LAPD happening in five days.
Bong: How many agents?
K: At least 30.
Bong: Maybe I could use your robot’s help.
K: Not a chance. I can get that number down, though.
Bong: How’s that?
K: I’m gonna cancel the raid in the LAPD computer system.
Bong: Why don’t you just do that to the DEA and be done with it?
K: Cuz we need more video of your daring heroics to finance our operation.
Bong: And how much did your robot cost?
K (eyes shifting): Let’s stay on task, Bong.
Bong: I’m gonna need lots of toys for this one.
K: I’ll have your car waiting for you in LA. It’ll have everything you need in it.
Bong (skeptically): Such as?
K: A 3D printer.
Bong (gruffly): You spent all the money on your little pet robot, didn’t you?
K: Well, not everything. She’ll come in handy, don’t you worry. You’ll see!
Bong: What, scrubbing your toilets?
K: Good luck, Bong. We’ll be in touch.
Bong (walking out): Don’t remind me.
Scene 2
The next day, Bong walks into the colorful Kushy Budz. He wanders around and admires the plethora of artful products on display. He then approaches a chubby, pleasant-looking, narrow eyed, thickly bearded clerk.
Bong: Groovy place you’ve got here.
Clerk (raising eyebrow): Groovy? Um, can I help you with something?
Bong: I’m here to help, actually. What’s your name?
Clerk: I’m Bush, and you are?
Bong: Bong, James Bong.
Clerk: Nice name.
Bong: Are you really named Bush?
Bush: Yep.
Bong: Your parents were…
Bush: Cruel.
Bong (pointing to another worker): If that guy’s name is Clinton or Whacker, I’ll have no choice but to leave.
Bush: Anyway, you said you’re here to help?
Bong: You’re going to be raided by the feds in 4 days.
Bush (skeptical): And how do you know that?
Bong: I’m not sure you’d believe me if I’d explain it to you.
Bush (calling to co-worker): Hey, Pigeon! Get over here!
Pigeon: I’m busy, Bush. Whatsup?
Bush: This guy says we’re gonna be raided in a few days.
Pigeon looks at Bong a moment.
Pigeon: Hey, wait a minute! I’ve seen you before!
Bush: You have?
Pigeon: Yeah, this is that guy from those Dtube videos I was tellin you about. It’s James Bong!
Bush (squinting at Bong): Great balls of fire, you’re right!
Bong (confused): I told you my name up front, and who says great balls of fire?
Bush: Wait, so it’s true? We’re gonna be raided! Holy turkey meatball pasta!
Bong: Are you ok?
Pigeon: He’s fine, he does this a lot.
Bong: Ridiculous exclamations?
Pigeon: That’s his specialty. So what are you thinking about this raid?
Bong: Let’s sit and have a chat and we’ll go over our options.
Pigeon: Sure thing. And I’ll tell ya what, we’ll smoke this in your honor (holds out a huge bongload)
Bong: Actually, I don’t smoke.
Pigeon and Bush look at each other in disbelief.
Bush: Were your parents major potheads or something? How did you get the name Bong, anyway?
Bong: I don’t remember my parents. Anyway, my name isn’t important. We’ve got to get busy if we want to foil this raid.
Scene 3
Bong is having a drink at a low key bar called “The Speedy Turtle”
K: Bong!
Bong looks wearily at his new smartwatch
Bong: I’ve had a long day. Make it quick, K.
K: You’re not gonna believe what I found.
Bong: A girlfriend?
K: Even better! I got the crew manifest for the raid and did a little digging. There’s someone with very interesting connections to General Small and Sir Hugo Trax. A guy named Ty Prince.
Bong: You’re joking.
K: Why is that?
Bong: We were in the same training class together.
K: I didn’t see that in his profile.
Bong: That’s because he failed the program.
K: I didn’t know it was possible to fail the program.
Bong: Very funny. So what has Ty been up to?
K: I don’t think we can get into all the details on a call like this. What I can tell you right now that is pertinent to your situation is that he works for a CIA front called Cargo Solutions.
Bong (grimacing): Damn nondescript, unimaginative naming bastards. Sorry, go ahead.
K: I couldn’t agree more. Anyway, Cargo Solutions runs tons of drugs. They got in trouble with some local officials in Mexico and Columbia a few years back.
Bong: You mean they didn’t pay off the right people.
K: That sounds about right, but who knows. Anyway, the whole thing blew up in their faces. Some DEA guys that aren’t on the CIA dole tried to make a case against them.
Bong: Stop right there. Lemme guess, the naive DEA guys wound up having heart attacks.
K: How’d you know?
Bong: Standard procedure. So what’s Prince got to do with all this?
K: He’s the head of their personnel department. Look, I think that’s enough info for now. The rest is really sensitive and should be discussed in person. I just thought you’d like to know before your big fireworks show.
Bong: I hate to say it, K, but you did good.
K: Actually, Symphy was a huge help. I couldn’t have done it without her.
Bong (sarcastically): 3 cheers for AI. Anything else, K?
K: Yeah, bring me back a souvenir from Kushy Budz.
Bong (rolling eyes): Goodbye, K.
End Part 1
Begin Part 2
Scene 1
The night before the raid.
Symphy: Bong, how may I assist you?
Bong (perplexed): K, did your voice change? Have you regressed to before puberty?
Symphy: This is Symphy. Would you like to speak to K?
Bong: Immediately.
K: Hey Bong! What a pleasant surprise!
Bong (gruff): So now it’s your secretary. How quaint.
K: You’re just jealous. Tomorrow’s the big day. Whatsup?
Bong: I need one of those clear skin trackers.
K: So print one.
Bong: Do you think I’d be calling you if I could print one?
K: Just use the 3D printer. Are you that helpless?
Bong: There’s no schematic for it, you arrogant little twerp.
K (flustered): Oh, right. Sorry about that. I’ll wire it to the printer now. What’s it for?
Bong: You’ll find out soon enough. (taps smartwatch to end call)
Scene 2
Bong is having one final meeting with the staff of Kushy Budz Dispensary before the expected raid by the DEA.
Bong: Ok, one more time over the checklist before I head out. Gasmasks.
Pigeon: Check.
Bong: Enough aerosolized THC to knock out a fleet of stallions.
Bush: Double check.
Bong: Rope and tape?
Pigeon: Check and check. What about guns?
Bong: Well, I’ve got one. It’s your property. I’d hope you’d have guns to protect it.
Bush (uncertain): Um, well, I think Pigeon has a pistol.
Pigeon: Yeah, I’ve got a pistol.
Bong (amazed): You’ve got to be kidding! You expect to hold off a DEA raid with one pistol!
Bush: Hey, you’re the one who dreamed up our whole defense. After all, if the plan works, we shouldn’t need the guns, right?
Bong (grimacing): Let’s hope the plan works. Ok, I’m going to keep watch from my car. Remember, I’ll call you when they’re approaching. You won’t have much time, so be ready.
Bong walks out and goes across the street to his 3D printed black car modeled after the 1977 Trans Am. After waiting for 30 minutes, Bong sees a train of black SUV’s and Chargers cruising towards him at a feverish pace. Bong dials Bush’s number.
Bong (beeping sound from smartwatch): Come on, come on, pick up.
Bush is smoking a bongload, watching a holographic Dtube video of epic fails, and laughing his chubby ass off.
20 seconds go by…..no answer
Bong (in anguish): That cheeky little (incoherent growling)
Bong runs into the dispensary just as the black motorcade pulls up outside.
Bong: They’re here! They’re here! Masks on!
All the workers throw their masks on and hide behind various pieces of furniture. Bong heads upstairs and squats down behind a statue of a stoned frog, where he has a sniper’s view of the bottom floor.
The doors burst open and 13 black clad thugs in DEA uniforms in heavy gear come in with firearms pointing all around.
Ty Prince: This is a raid! Everyone hands up now!
Bush hits the red button on a computer joystick, which releases highly concentrated, aerosolized THC into the air. The gas knocks out all the would-be raiders.
Bong runs down and takes a look outside to make sure there aren’t any stragglers.
Bong (muffled from the gas mask): Great job, everyone! Ok, time for the tape and rope.
Pigeon (muffled): What? You’re muffled because of the mask.
Bong: What?
Pigeon: What?
Bong (grabs tape and rope off glass display case, then yells): Rope and tape!
In a few minutes, all of the would-be raiders are bound up, the air clears, and everyone takes their masks off. Bong takes the opportunity to slap the clear skin tracker on the back of Prince’s neck.
Pigeon: So what now?
Bong: When they wake up, we’ll make them an offer. They can leave on their own volition after promising to never violate private property again. If they refuse, we knock them out again and leave them somewhere.
30 minutes later
Prince (weary eyed): What the?
Bong: Attention everyone! We’ve got a talker!
Prince: Bong? I thought you were dead.
Bong: Now why would you think a silly thing like that?
Prince: Because (hesitates) Well, I have my sources.
Bong (laughing); A source of BS. So here’s the deal. You and your thugs here can leave, peacefully, on your own accord, after you promise no more private property violations.
Prince (cocky): Dream on, Bong.
Bong: Or we can just knock you out again and leave you stranded somewhere. I hear Death Valley is wonderful this time of year.
The rest of the DEA cowards begin to come to.
Thug 1: What happened, boss?
Prince: An old friend has made his presence known.
Bong: So what’s it gonna be, Prince?
Pigeon (standing over Prince with his little pistol, trying to act tough): Yeah, what’s it gonna be, Prince. (pauses) Hey, wait a minute. How do you know this guy’s name?
Bong: Long story.
Prince: Ok, Bong. We’ll go. But now you’re on my radar.
Bong (sarcastically): Looks like I’m already six feet under, then. Say hi to your “sources” for me.
Bong turns to Bush
Bong: We can start untying them. Be ready to hit the button in case they try anything funny. (turns to Prince) You’ll be allowed to leave, one by one.
Scene 3
2 days later, Bong is sitting at a poker table in Las Vegas.
K: Bong!
Bong: K, as usual, your timing is abysmal. I’m on an extremely hot streak right now.
K: Just wanted to let you know that the Kushy Budz video has gone viral on Dtube. We’re looking at a fat payday! Don’t blow it at the casino.
Bong (smiling): And don’t blow yours on anymore frankenstein robots.
K: So what’s next?
Bong: Now we wait for Prince to pop up somewhere that can be used to our advantage. This is going to be epic.
Thanks for your time and attention!
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