James Bong – Episode 3
Scene 1
K is at his happy hacker lair in Acapulco, swiveling in his oversized office chair, methodically sipping on a super jumbo coffee.
K: Bong! That bastard! I haven’t heard from him in days! The least he could do is let me know if he’s dead or not. (frowns) Who am I kidding? I’m just in anguish because I found someone I can’t hack all the time. (glances at his toothpick arms) And being a pasty, socially inept skin-flint doesn’t help either, I guess. (kicks his desk in frustration)
Scene 2
General Small is sitting at his desk at CIA headquarters. The desk is littered with pizza boxes, donut boxes, and candy wrappers. He’s startled by one of his agents, who barges in without knocking.
General Small: Hey, ever heard of knocking? I could’ve been doing something top secret and important, ya know.
Agent: You could also lock the door.
General Small: So what’s so urgent?
Agent: We got the trace back on Bong.
General Small: Excellent! Any idea on how we lost the signal in the first place?
Agent: Not a clue, sir. Does it really matter? We know where he is, so let’s kill him and get this thing wrapped up.
General Small: Good point. Show me where he’s at.
The agent punches some buttons on a tablet and a holographic map of DC pops up.
Agent: Do you see the flashing red letters that say “Murder, Death, Kill?”
General Small (munching on donut): Yep.
Agent: That’s where he is. 123 Knockajaw Court. Should I send some specialists to neutralize him?
General Small: Not just yet. That address sounds familiar. How long has he been stationary?
Agent: Hell if I know. The signal just came back a few minutes ago.
General Small: Wait! Now I know! That’s my address! My wife and children could be in danger!
Agent: Do you have sufficient life insurance on them?
General Small (rolling eyes): Of course.
Agent: Then what’s the problem? I’ll send the death squad right away.
General Small (pondering his options): You make a valid point, but I’d better at least attempt to get my family out first. I’ll have to confront Bong myself.
Agent (laughing hysterically): Alone? You?
General Small: Why is that funny?
Agent: Because you’re old and fat and Bong is young and one of the best trained secret agents in history. Need I continue?
General Small: You’re dismissed. If you don’t hear from me within an hour.
Agent cuts him off.
Agent: Yeah, yeah, I know, you’re dead and I might get promoted.
General Small (getting up to leave): Oh, while I’m out, there should be another pizza arriving. If they don’t have extra cheese on it this time, don’t tip that lousy putz, ok?
Agent: I never tip anyway.
Scene 3
30 minutes later, General Small goes into his house and finds his wife and children bound and gagged on the floor with 3 men in black standing over them.
General Small: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Man In Black: We were called in from your office, sir.
General Small: Well it sure as hell wasn’t me! Why is my family tied up?
Man In Black: Trying to get them to talk. You never know who to trust in this business.
General Small: It’s my family, you oaf! Untie them now! And how the hell are they supposed to talk with their mouths taped off, anyway?
Man In Black (puzzled look): Good point, sir. (goes to untie the family)
General Small: Did you find anything regarding Bong? We know he was here at some point because of the signal.
Man In Black: Affirmative, sir. (holds out Bong’s smartwatch) We found this on the front doorstep with a note, sir.
General Small: What did the note say?
Man In Black: Nothing.
General Small: What do you mean?
Man In Black: It’s a picture (holds out paper in front of General Small’s face)
General Small (grimacing): A laughing emoji graphic. Very clever, Bong. We’ll see who gets the last giggle.
Man In Black: Last laugh, sir.
General Small (shouting, angry): Whatever!
Scene 4
Agent outside General Small’s office is zoned out on his tablet. There’s a knock at the door.
Male voice outside door: Pizza delivery!
Agent: Come in!
Door opens and James Bong steps in holding a pizza box. He’s wearing a baseball cap, a terrible fake mustache, and glasses that make him look walleyed.
Agent (glancing up from tablet): About damn time!
Bong: This one is on the house.
Agent: Damn well better be! Go through that door and put it on the desk.
Bong (looking at the door curiously): You mean that door that says “Top Secret. Authorized Personnel Only”?
Agent (nonchalantly): Yep, that’s the one.
Bong: Whatever you say, boss!
Bong enters General Small’s office and shuts the door. He immediately sets the pizza on the table and then starts putting massive amounts of miniature surveillance equipment all over the office. After finishing and about to walk out, Bong is startled by the door swinging open.
Agent: Hey! What’s taking you so long?
Bong: Oh, I was just awestruck by being in CIA headquarters, the bastion of freedom!
Agent: Yeah, I don’t blame ya. It’s tough guys like us that keep little people like you safe.
Bong: Thank you, sir.
Agent: Whatever. Out.
Bong leaves.
Agent (annoyed mumbling): Damn nobodies. Get a life, will ya?
Scene 5
Miss Moneybit comes into her apartment. She fixes herself a cocktail and starts lounging on the couch.
Bong: Don’t scream.
Miss Moneybit turns around to see Bong standing in the doorway to her bedroom. She starts gulping air and flailing her arms, then adds a high pitched whining noise to the freak-out.
Miss Moneybit: Are you here to kill me?
Bong (smirking): If I were here to kill you, we wouldn’t be talking right now. (starts eyeing the cocktail curiously) Is that a martini?
Miss Moneybit: Yep, can I make ya one?
Bong (grabbing glass off coffee table): Nope, yours will do just fine. (gulps it down to the last drop) Ahhhhh, that hit the spot! Now, on to business. I’ll be gone in 2 minutes.
Miss Moneybit: Look, before you start (Bong waves his finger at her and cuts her off)
Bong: I’ll do the talking. Number one, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I’ll consider it in my own self-defense to kill you. Nod if you understand.
(A pale-faced Moneybit frowns and nods slowly)
Bong: Now, why did you do it?
Miss Moneybit: They threatened everyone and everything I hold dear.
Bong: Why didn’t you tell me or our vitamin D deficient hacker associate?
Miss Moneybit (hesitantly): I, I was afraid, I guess. Can you blame me?
Bong (sighing profoundly and staring deeply into her eyes): Well, lucky for you, I’ve managed to get a batch of lemonade started with the truckload of lemons you dropped on me.
Miss Moneybit (confused): Ya lost me.
Bong: I’ll explain when the time is right. One more thing. Your place is bugged.
Miss Moneybit (sarcastic): Tell me something I don’t know.
Bong: How’d you know?
Miss Moneybit: Come on, Bong. I’ve read a spy novel or two in my day.
Bong (rolling eyes): Right, silly me. Well, time’s up. I gotta run.
Miss Moneybit: Wait! One more thing. You’re having a huge effect, ya know. The number of people online talking about anarchy is growing exponentially. The ruling class must be hysterical right now.
Bong: Which means they’re at their most dangerous, like a cornered animal. (turns around to leave)
Miss Moneybit: Feel free to knock next time.
Bong (turns around, smiling): Put your little freak-out video on Steemit and see how much you can get for it.
Miss Moneybit: Video? What video?
Scene 6
An hour after Bong’s talk with Moneybit.
K is laughing his head off in front of his main computer screen.
K: Great video, Bong. Glad to see I’m not the only one you pick on.
Thanks for your time and attention!
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