In this episode, James takes on IRS agents and has a surprise waiting for him in DC.
Scene 1:
James Bong is sitting in his black helicopter and awaiting the arrival of the IRS agents who will soon try to steal private property from an old farming couple.
K: Bong!
Bong (exhaling deeply): What now, K? Are they here?
K (laughing hard): You’re not gonna believe these characters.
Bong: Put it on the chopper’s gps screen.
A screen in the central console of the chopper lights up and reveals a low-end sedan cruising down the two-lane highway that approaches the property. There are two middle-aged men inside. One is chubby and bald with puffy cheeks and eyes. The other is thin, bald, has a handle-bar mustache and wears super-thick coke-bottle glasses.
Bong (grinning): K, it looks as if your scrawny arse could’ve handled these two.
K: They look like pedos!
Bong: They probably are. Where else could anyone like that find employment, right?
K: Anyway, they’ll be there in less than 5 minutes.
Bong readies the chopper and monitors their approach. The sedan comes barreling down the driveway, then slams the brakes and parks on top of a flower bed. The chubby one stumbles slightly as he gets out of the car and they both strut their way towards the front door of the farmhouse.
Chubby Agent (muttering): Damn farmers.
Thin Agent (stroking mustache): Why do ya say that?
Chubby Agent: Cuz they usually have guns and are troublemakers.
Chubby Agent does loud and obnoxious cop knock on the front door of the old couple’s home. Bong is in the chopper, watching and listening.
Old man answers the door with his wife behind him.
Old man: Good afternoon. We don’t want any.
Agents look at each other cynically.
Chubby Agent: Hi. We’re here from the IRS. May we step in for a moment?
Old Man: I think it might be better if you state your business from outside.
Thin Agent (slicks thin hair back, and holds up a document): We have an order here to seize this property due to tax delinquency. I must insist that we step inside.
Bong lifts the chopper in the air and heads towards the house.
Chubby Agent (confused): What’s that noise?
Thin Agent (pushy, yelling at old couple): Where is that coming from?
Old couple shrug shoulders, feigning ignorance. The chopper appears above the house and hovers near the agents. The agents look up disgustedly.
Chubby Agent (whispering to other agent): Did the home office send a chopper to help us?
Thin Agent: Do we even have choppers?
Bong gets on megaphone and speaks down to the agents.
Bong: Is there a problem here, guys?
Chubby Agent (yelling up at Bong): Who the hell are you?
Bong: Bong, James Bong!
The agents look at each other and gulp.
Chubby Agent: We’re here to seize this house for tax delinquency!
Bong: You mean steal it?!
Thin Agent: It’s not stealing! It’s appropriation!
Bong: I’ll be clear and brief. What you’re doing is wrong and immoral and in violation of Natural Law! Nobody has the right to tax another! They owe the IRS nothing, you will not take their property, and you will leave now!
Thin Agent (stroking mustache): Yeah, whatcha gonna do about it?
Bong: Look at your chest!
Thin Agent looks down and sees laser sight over his heart. He freaks out and runs back to the car.
Chubby Agent (shaking fist in air): We’ll come back with heavy artillery of our own! Just you wait!
The chubby agent scurries back to the car, they take off, plow over more flowers, and leave a trail of dust behind.
Old couple comes out and waves up at Bong.
Old Man: Thanks Mr. Bong!
Old Lady: Come back again some day and we’ll have another doobie!
Bong chuckles, waves, and flies off.
K: Well done, Bong! And now for your reward. You get a date with Miss Moneybit, you lucky dog. What’s the spot you’re meeting at?
Bong: Mockingbird’s, I think, and it’s not a date. I’d prefer not to go, really. What are we going to do about the old couple? The agents will come back with a heavier hand next time, you know.
K: I’m already on it. I’m going to help them set up a Cell411 group so they can get crowdsourced help next time.
Bong: Great. The more people do things like that, the sooner I can retire.
Scene 2 – An empty and dimly lit restaurant in the District Of Criminals called “Mockingbird’s”. Miss Moneybit is sitting in a corner booth waiting for Bong. Bong enters and cautiously surveys his surroundings.
Miss Moneybit: What are you gawking around for, James?
Bong: In my line of work, it pays to be cautious. I recommend you do the same.
He takes a seat opposite Miss Moneybit. She holds out her hand. He shakes it reluctantly and she clasps her other hand over his wrist and smartwatch as they shake.
Miss Moneybit: It’s great to meet you in person!
Bong (gruffly): The feeling isn’t mutual. We have a business relationship, and one I prefer to keep long distance.
Miss Moneybit: Well, thanks for coming, anyway. Some things are better to be done in person, you know?
Bong: So what’s this all about? Why did you insist on meeting me here?
Miss Moneybit: It’s a nice place, isn’t it? I love the décor.
Bong: I wasn’t referring to this shady looking restaurant. You have two minutes, then I’m out.
Miss Moneybit: Won’t you have a drink with me?
Bong (looking around): No, I won’t. I don’t even see any service staff. You have 1 minute and 48 seconds.
Miss Moneybit: I want to deal with you directly from now on, and cut K out of the picture. I need your smartwatch contact info.
Bong (smirking): Not a chance.
Miss Moneybit: Why not? What do you need that little twerp for?
Bong: As much as I hate to admit it, he helps keep me low profile. His technical abilities are off the charts, despite his annoying demeanor and constant nagging.
Miss Moneybit: But then you’d get his share of the profit. And maybe I could set you up with another tech guru. Just think about it, please?
Bong: I wasn’t finished. I don’t trust you, either.
Miss Moneybit (shaking head in disbelief): The consummate spy, not trusting anyone.
Bong: Former spy. A healthy dose of skepticism can keep you alive, you know? Anyway, this little meeting is over. (stands up to leave) Don’t ever request a meeting with me again unless it’s actually important. (Walks off)
Miss Moneybit (calling out): If you change your mind, you know how to find me!
Bong ignores her and leaves. Two figures come out from the kitchen area behind Miss Moneybit.
Sir Hugo Trax: You did well, my dear.
Miss Moneybit: I didn’t have much of a choice, did I?
General Small: Self preservation is a powerful motivator. Anyway, you shouldn’t hang around with his type.
Miss Moneybit: And who should I hang around with?
General Small (head bobbling, grinning ear to ear): Well, I’m available tomorrow night.
Miss Moneybit (defiantly, standing to leave): I don’t hang out with parasitic statist losers. (she walks off, then turns around just before heading out the door)
Miss Moneybit: It doesn’t matter if you stop Bong, you know? You can’t stop the human evolution to a voluntary society. (She leaves)
General Small: She’ll come around.
Sir Hugo Trax: Don’t give yourself false hope.
General Small: Should I have our squad follow Bong?
Sir Hugo Trax (sighing deeply): You simple fool. No, not yet. Bong’s got to lead us to K first, then we’re in business.
General Small: And what about Moneybit?
Sir Hugo Trax: We let her keep writing, as promised. Don’t want to send up any red flags.
General Small: And after we get Bong and K?
Sir Hugo Trax: She’ll have to die, of course.
General Small: Terrible to waste such a pretty young thing.
Sir Hugo Trax (eyes rolling): Enough of your fawning over that little anarchist tart. I won’t let your desperation for female companionship fudge this operation.
General Small: Yes, sir.
Scene 3: Later that night, Bong is cruising along on a rural two-lane highway.
K: Bong!
Bong: Can’t I get any peace?
K: It’s an emergency.
Bong: Guess not.
K: I picked up an interference signal from your smartwatch.
Bong: It’s not interfering enough. You still got through to me.
K: No, listen. I traced the signal and it went back to Langley. I don’t know how, but they’ve got a lock on you in real time.
Bong (angry): That double crossing little.
(K cuts him off)
K: Let’s not jump to conclusions. She wouldn’t do this on her own initiative. They got her scared somehow.
Bong: Looks like I’ve got more work to do.
K: Whatever you do, don’t come to my place right now.
Bong (grinning ironically): You know I do my best to avoid you at all costs.
K: So what’s your next move?
Bong: Hanging up on you, then I’ll have a drink.
Thanks for your time and attention!
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