James Bong – Episode 2
Scene 1
It’s been 10 days since Bong liberated Ross Mulbricht from the cage in Colorado. Bong is playing blackjack at a casino in Panama and losing badly.
K: Bong!
Bong (startled): Why don’t I just leave this infernal smartwatch somewhere else?
K: Sorry to disturb your lackluster showing at the tables, but I’ve got great news!
Bong (talking to dealer): I’m afraid a pressing matter has come up.
Dealer: More pressing than losing your shirt at blackjack?
A grimacing Bong walks away.
K: You should learn to count cards like me, then you might win a hand or two.
Bong (looking around, paranoid): Could you not say stuff like that while I’m walking around a casino?
K: Come on, you’re James Bong. What could happen?
Bong: I’d rather not find out.
K: Just get back to my place quick. And don’t say goodbye to that groupie you were with last night, either. I don’t trust her.
Bong: How do you know what I did last night?
K (twirling proudly in his highback, overstuffed office chair): You drunk dialed me and told me everything.
Bong: Bullocks! You were spying on me!
K (feigning panic): Um, sorry, can’t hear ya. Getting too much interference. Gotta go now!
(CLICK)
Scene 2
Bong casually strolls into K’s house in Acapulco the next morning, unannounced.
Bong: What’s that giant dispenser with black liquid?
K (startled): Damnit, can you knock!?
Bong: You have your tricks, and I have mine.
K: It’s a coffee dispenser.
Bong (amused): A coffee dispenser. How quaint.
K: Gotta keep the heart pumpin somehow.
Bong: You could go outside and exercise. So what’s the marvelous news that’s so damned urgent.
K: We’re a hit!
Bong: What do you mean, we?
K: News of our mission to free Ross spread like wildfire! We made over 2,000 dollars on Steemit alone!
Bong: Great! So I can go back to the casino.
K (chagrined): Take a look at this. (Hits a key on his laptop and the image of an old couple on their front porch overlooking their farm goes on the wall)
Bong: You made me fly up here to look at your grandparents?
K: This handsome, hard working couple is about to lose the farm.
Bong: How’s that?
K: They’re behind on their taxes and the IRS is about to swoop in and steal it.
Bong: Can’t you just fry the IRS computers and be done with it?
K: I could, but hacking exploits aren’t as popularly received by netizens.
Bong: Damn new age techie lingo.
K: You get what I mean. Your exploits are much more entertaining, more popular, and thus, more profitable. You see where I’m going with this?
Bong: Yeah, I’m risking my life again while you fry your nerves on coffee and watch from a safe distance.
K: Come on, you can’t live without this stuff! You were made for this!
Bong: I don’t appreciate your choice of words. Miss Moneybit has agreed to the same terms of profit sharing after the dust settles?
K: Yep. And she said the profit could be more than double this time if we get video, so don’t fudge that up like you did last time.
Bong: When and where?
K: 48 hours in North Dakota.
Bong: North Dakota in October?
K: Stop whining, it’s not that cold up there yet.
(Conversation is interrupted by female voice)
Miss Moneybit: Why don’t you swap places then, tough guy?
K (confused, then startled as he sees Miss Moneybit’s face appear on the screen): Hey, how long have you been listening?
Miss Moneybit: Long enough to roll my eyes at you a dozen times.
K: And how’d you get access to my network?
Miss Moneybit (gleeful): You’re not the only one with hacking skills. (Her giant face on the wall turns to Bong) Bong, we need to talk.
Bong: No we don’t.
Miss Moneybit: Two things. First of all, get some footage of the old couple before the IRS parasites show up.
Bong (crossing arms): If I feel it necessary to speak with them, I will. Next.
Miss Moneybit: I need you to come to DC as soon as possible so we can talk in person, without your little sidekick there hanging on my every word.
Bong (throws arms in air): I’m not going out with you. We’ve been over this.
Miss Moneybit: Your ego looks bigger than the last time we spoke. Seriously, after this job, come see me.
Bong: You’ll pay for transport?
Miss Moneybit: You’re such a cheapskate.
Bong: I’ll think about it. Say goodbye to your drooling admirer. (turns to K, who is fawning at the image of Miss Moneybit)
Miss Moneybit: We’ll be in touch. Figuratively, I mean. I’d never touch you.
(CLICK)
K: She’ll come around one day.
Bong: You shouldn’t lie to yourself.
Scene 3
Bong is approaching the farm in a black helicopter.
Bong: At least it’s flat, good for landing. (Suddenly, he hears a loud bang)
Bong: Are they shooting at me? Looks like my skills aren’t needed here. I’d better land and approach on foot.
(Bong lands far from the handsome, bright white farmhouse, and sends an assortment of farm animals scurrying in all directions)
Bong: K, is the camera working?
K (sitting at his computer command center, chomping on some Cap’n Crunch): Did they shoot at you?
Bong (cringing): I’ll take that as a yes.
Bong walks slowly with his hands up as he crosses a vast grass field on the approach to the farmhouse. Two figures are coming towards him.
Bong (shouting): Beautiful place you’ve got here!
(Another shot rings out)
Bong: I’m here to help!
Old male voice shouts back: That’s what all those government goons say! This is private property!
Bong: I’m not from the government! Please don’t shoot me!
They come to within 20 feet of each other. The old couple is eyeing Bong suspiciously. They’re both holding shotguns.
Old man (pointing gun at Bong): State your business!
Bong (hands up in air, answers awkwardly): Well, um, let’s see. How can I explain this?
Old woman: Spit it out, son! I was busy fixin lunch!
Bong: You see, the IRS is going to come in less than an hour, and I’ve come to help you fend them off.
Old man: And how the hell do you know that?
Bong: I can’t say, really. You’ll just have to trust me.
Old woman (with mocking laugh): Ah, trust him he says! A strange man in a black helicopter. Sure, and I suppose you’d like to sell me a bridge, too!
Old man holds his hand up to calm his wife.
Old man: If you can answer one question correctly, then we’ll trust you.
Bong: Go ahead, shoot.
Old man: Bad choice of words!
(Bong cringes)
Old man: What is the definition of anarchy?
Bong (exhaling from relief): Without rulers!
Old man and old woman smile at each other and start walking towards Bong.
Old man: Hey, wait a minute! You look familiar. Are you that guy from the home gym infomercial?
Bong: I didn’t even know those still existed.
Old woman (excited): No, dear! It’s that guy that freed Ross! It’s James Bong!
Old man: By golly, you’re right! (extends hand to shake) We saw you on Steemit! Sorry we didn’t recognize you sooner.
Old woman: You see, he’s got cataracts, and I’m no spring chicken, either.
Bong (holds hand up): All is forgiven. I get shot at all the time, really. Seriously, we have less than an hour until the IRS actually does show up to try and steal your house.
Old man: Those immoral rat bastards. I’ve got some surprises coming for ‘em.
Bong: If you’d like, I’ll fend them off myself, that way they won’t hold you accountable for any forceful behavior.
Old man: You mean self defense?
Bong: I’m just saying that if you defend against them, they might come back later with greater violence. If I’m the only one fighting back, then they might just come after me.
Old man: Well, ok, give it a shot. But if you get into trouble, we’ll come out blazin.
Bong: That’s the spirit.
Old woman: Speaking of blazin, I say we have a quick blunt. How about it, Bong?
Bong (chuckling): Actually, I don’t partake.
Old woman: Oh, I’m sorry.
Bong: No need to apologize. It’s a common misconception. You two go on home and have lunch and I’ll get prepped in the chopper.
Old man: Thank you, son.
End Part 1
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