James Bong – Episode 9
Scene 1
At K’s place in Acapulco, Mexico.
K (face of befuddlement): Bong.
Bong (amused): K.
K: So let me get this straight. You were just sitting around at some random bar, soaking your troubles in a chilled glass of liquid confidence, and then Diana Gateschild shows up.
Bong: Well, it wasn’t like I was at a dive bar. I was at one of the finest resorts in Switzerland.
Moneybit: Bong, I had no idea you were so hoity-toity!
Bong: Just because I’m an anarchist doesn’t mean I don’t like some finer things now and then.
Moneybit: Then why haven’t you asked me out yet?
Bong: K, can you build her a companion and get her off my back? Like a male version of Symphy?
K: Symphy could build another humanoid a lot faster than I could.
Moneybit: Maybe if she weren’t so busy being your housekeeper. The place looks great, Symphy! I can finally see the floor!
Symphy: I am much more efficient at cleaning than Master K, so it is only logical that I should be the one to do it.
K: I can’t argue there! Ok Bong, back to business. So what do you think Diana Gateschild is up to? Do you think she’s telling you the truth, or is she part of her father’s scheme?
Bong: Hard to say. Let’s say that I believe her, but with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Moneybit: So what’s your next move?
Bong: Staying still.
Symphy: That is the most logical move.
Bong (steely): I’m glad that meets your approval.
K: Did you hear about the new tax in England?
Bong: That happens every day. Can you be more specific?
K: The bitcoin purchase tax. Anything bought with bitcoin is subjected to 20 percent tax.
Moneybit: You mean 20 percent extortion.
K: That would be the more precise term.
Symphy: I do not understand taxation. It does not seem logical.
Moneybit: Symphy, congratulations, I think you might be the world’s first anarchist humanoid.
Bong: Yes, K, I heard about the new extortion racket. I don’t know how they’re going to enforce it, but I have a feeling this is going to cause some major issues in the near future.
K: Speaking of issues….Moneybit, can you unglue yourself from your phone?
Moneybit (coming back to earth face): Huh? What? OH, sorry. I was just checking some posts on Steemit. Have you heard about what’s going on down in Uruguay?
K: Where?
Moneybit: Uruguay. Ya know, tiny little country between Brazil and Argentina. Cannabis legalization, dulce de leche, all that?
Bong: Charming place.
Moneybit: Well, it looks like lots of farmers in the northern part of the country are getting forcibly removed from their property!
Bong: Under what pretext?
Moneybit: Not for sure, but the most prevalent excuse seems to be some version of eminent domain.
K: You mean imminent theft.
Moneybit: I stand corrected.
Symphy: This seems to conflict with mainstream news reports I’m checking now.
K: Elaborate.
Symphy: It seems that most reports are championing a voluntary “Earth Relocation Project” as a victory for Agenda 21. This does not seem logical to have such conflicting reports.
K: It makes perfect sense if there’s an ulterior, and likely sinister, motive. Bong, looks like you can’t stay still. Sorry, buddy.
Bong: I vote we send Symphy and I stay here and drink margaritas.
Moneybit (hands on hips): Bong!
Scene 2
General Small’s office at CIA headquarters. General Small is meeting with private contract agent Ty Prince.
General Small: I appreciate you rushing up here from South America. I know you were busy down there, but this is quite urgent.
Ty Prince: My crew down there can handle things without me for a while. Are you sure we should be meeting at your office like this? I mean, I’m not officially employed by the CIA, ya know.
General Small: Oh, relax, will ya? We’re the only ones here.
Ty Prince: Well, it’s just not very clandestine of you.
General Small (sighing): Whatever. Look, let’s get down to business. Some very powerful people want Bong brought to England.
Ty Prince: That’s a tall order. Remember, I didn’t even graduate spy school.
General Small: Yes, yes, I know. I didn’t bring you here because you’re smart. I brought you here because you’re the best brute I’ve got. At least, that’s expendable, that is.
Ty Prince: Thank you, sir.
General Small: But they don’t want him brought by force. They want him lured there. Tricked.
Ty Prince: Ya lost me.
General Small: I didn’t finish. I think it’s a terrible idea and don’t see why it’s necessary. Which brings me to why you’re here. I want you to just find him and kill him.
Ty Prince: Now that I can do. But won’t you get in trouble?
General Small: Maybe, but I doubt it. I’ve got an ace up my sleeve, ya see.
Ty Prince: Won’t I get in trouble?
General Small: You might, but that’s not my problem. We have a deal?
Ty Prince: What’s the price?
General Small (slapping head): Silly me! I forgot to mention the price. What do you think is fair?
Ty Prince: At least a million.
General Small: Do you take checks?
Ty Prince: I’m not that stupid.
General Small: Of course not. Ok, a million cash. But this is between us, a private deal. Nobody else. Got it?
Ty Prince: Got it.
Scene 3
24 Hours Later At Hyde Park, London
Sir Hugo Trax: Small hired you to kill Bong?
Ty Prince: Yes, sir. Small is an idiot, but he thinks I’m an idiot, so I use that to my advantage.
Trax: Yes, Small is obviously an idiot. You’re not the brightest bulb on the tree, either. You didn’t even pass your final exam for secret agent training.
Ty Prince: I remember!
Trax: Right, well, what now, eh? (looks thoughtfully off into the distance)
Ty Prince: I can kill Small if you’d like, sir.
Trax: No, that won’t be necessary. At least, not at the moment. Thanks for telling me this. It’s quite useful information. You’d better be getting back to South America, I suppose.
Ty Prince: If that’s where I’m needed most.
Scene 4
2 days later…...James Bong is sipping mate at a small restaurant in the town of Artigas, the northernmost town in Uruguay.
Bong (glaring anxiously at smartwatch): Damn you, K. Put down the VR headset game and answer.
K: Hey Bong. Sorry, I was in a heated battle.
Bong: Simulated battle, I suppose. Time to help me in the real battle.
K: What’s that noise?
Bong: It’s windy as all hell here.
K: It sounds like you’re in some sort of wicked sci-fi vortex or something.
Bong (sighing): Anyway, I’ve been talking to some of the locals. Big surprise news flash, the lamestream media is completely lying. BNN at its worst.
K: So what’s really happening?
Bong: My main contact here is a farmer named Marcelo. His family has been here for generations so he knows the ins and outs of everything. He said that the government in Montevideo tried to evict him recently, but he resisted. Recently, however, private mercenaries have been doing the dirty work, and tons of people have been evicted. And I’m talking very large numbers, maybe 10 percent of the state of Artigas.
K: That’s epic.
Bong: Indeed. Now get this. The local government goons are telling guys like Marcelo that the reason for their eviction is they are violating some kind of environment code. But he said its total BS. He suspects the real reason is that part of the Guarani Aquifer, the second largest aquifer in the world, sits under northern Uruguay.
K: Incredible.
Bong: But here’s the real kicker. Guess what corporation controls the other parts of the aquifer in Brazil, Argentina, and Paraguay?
K: Aquifers R’ Us?
Bong (grimacing): Nice try. No. Angel Water.
K: Angel Water? Wait, aren’t they owned by?…
Bong: Machiavelli Bank owns the majority stake, yes. Another path that leads to the Gateschilds.
K: Wow. Have you been taping?
Bong: Yep. I’ll send it ASAP. But don’t post anything until we fend off the goon squad. I need the element of surprise on my side.
K: You got it. Anything else?
Bong: More 3D printers with a full array of defense programs. Oh, and a raincoat.
K: A raincoat?
Bong: If you ever come to Uruguay, you’ll understand.