When Someone Shares Their Struggles With You, Listen to Them, Don't Judge

When someone shares
their story with you
and if it doesn't resonate with your truth
Then don't
invalidate their version of truth
don't put words in their mouth
for your comfort
to align with
what you think
they should be

Have you ever unloaded your problems to someone and got nagged? Or they became very condescending and started to instruct you what you should or should not do?

I have. Several times and I quit sharing my problems with others because of that. All I ever wanted was someone to listen to me and not get shame for telling it.

Years ago, the kids and I were very sick with dengue and were hospitalized. Our family was in a dire financial crisis, and we could only afford to stay in a cheap flat. Friends were very sympathetic, and I am grateful for that, except for their unsolicited advice: we should move out and find a better place to live. Someone even offered to go house hunting with me. I remember feeling very discouraged by their lack of empathy and understanding. Tell me, if I could afford to live somewhere better, would I choose to live in a dump? I would love to move right there and then and give the best for the kids, but we COULD'T AFFORD it. And they failed to see our true needs at that moment. They could only see that "we needed to move out to a better, cleaner environment." Such a condescending attitude veiled by kindness - offering advice, offering to house hunt, etc.

And another time, I was very sick in the hospital bed, and a friend came to visit. He looked at me, and instead of offering some kind words of empathy, he started to nag me for being sick. He said some hurtful things like I got this sickness because I stayed home and sat on my butt the whole day, that I was overweight and that was why I fell sick. And he proceeded by recommending some supplements to me to prevent my sickness from recurring in the future.

I would rather he never come to visit forever or stop talking to me if all he could muster was criticizing me while I was on the verge of death.

I forgave these people for their insensitivities, but I would never tell them anything in the future. I promised myself that.

You see, all of us want to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be seen. We need people to connect with so life will be more bearable. We need to talk about our struggles in life; hopefully, by talking about them, we can clear our minds and see the solutions more clearly.

We need empathy. We need sympathetic ears. We need shoulders to cry on.

We don't need criticism, nags, accusations, or even solutions from people. We don't need to be shamed for struggling.

But be careful who we talk to. Some people are not comfortable with our stories because they feel scandalized. Not everyone is comfortable with our truthfulness, vulnerability, and authenticity. So, to avoid awkwardness, they try to fix us instead by telling us what we should and should not do; pray more, and read the Bible more. We have rocked their comfortable existence with our stories.

Now, I am not saying we shouldn't appreciate their kind advice and help. Praying and reading the Bible are good things. But sometimes, it feels jarring and does not meet the actual need of the struggling person.

Listen. The key to helping someone struggling is to be present and listen. Create a space where someone can feel safe and supported. You don't have to come up with a solution unless requested. Ignore that pre-response or judgment in your head, and sit silently while the person unloads whatever is ailing them. Let them process their emotions and experiences by talking about them. Most of the time, just talking about them would give them clarity on the direction they need to take.

See, you don't have to spend money to be empathic.

And if you feel uncomfortable with their stories (because they trigger your anxiety, for example), just tell the truth gently without passing judgment and direct them to a place where they can seek help or meet their needs.

Progress Photos of The Painting

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My First NFT Collection – Stencil 2017 – Is Now Available On OpenSea

My Second NFT Collection – Oli Kawaii Verse – Is Now Available On OpenSea