i really have passion in writing. i like to write, i love to write. i think it started when i was young. my mom always told me made up stories about animals and i really like it. one day, i was already in grade school, i asked for a story but she was really busy. so she told me that i have to know how to read so that i would be the one to read myself a story whenever she is busy or just anytime i want to read a story. so, i started to practice how to read, how to spell. little by little i started to be able to read a lot of sentences and being able to understand me. it is so much fun, sometimes, i gather all of my stuff toys and told them the stories that i read. i was able to summarize all of it and i was really enjoying it. then, one time our family friend came to visit in our house with her family and they told them that i have a lot of stories about animals.so they listened to my impromptu and nonsense childish story and told me beautiful comments about how amazing the story was. when i was in grade 5, i was discovered to have an amazing writing skills. so they signed me up in different contests and i won. then in story telling contests, then in poetry contests. i was exposed to a lot of writing contests and i really feel good about it. in senior year in junior high school, i was the editor in chief of our school magazine, and i was able to achieve all of my goals back then. all of the good memories were linked with not so beautiful memories thats why i shrugged it off sometimes, the good thing is, there are are photos that would make me remember all of it. i just hope i had pictures back then in elementary years where i won a lot of contests. but again, i wasnt really that proud of my appearance before because i really look so funny because i dont know how to smile and i dont have a good fashion sense and i have a very stupid face in camera. i was also shy and introvert before thats why i could understand myself. but well, there are a lot of amazing kids out there so i shouldn't feel like i was the best but at least better than some of the students. im just happy because it stays in my memory and there are no bad memories that were linked to it and i think that was enough. i just hope that i wouldnt forget all of those because those were the times where all i do is laugh, no heartbreaks, no heartaches, no boys, no problems with peers, or atleast that's what i thought now, but all i can say is its a beautiful memory. i dont have pictures but i want it to stay in my heart. maybe someday i could go there and ask for it maybe i would be able to relive the beautiful past. i am just so thankful that i am lucky when it comes to friends, i am surrounded with beautiful, genuine people. sadly some ended in a not beautiful way to remember i could just say that there are people that would just come and go and there are people that would stay. it is better to not be attached too much and just let them go when they leave. i mean , not all memories with them are not good, thats why i would miss them sometimes. but maybe they would just stay as a beautiful memory. maybe someday, when time would be able to help me and make me move on thats when i would be able to greet that truly and happily, thats when i could say that this time im totally fine. maybe i have just mistakes too that i am just blind about. maybe i have just this aura that other people wouldnt end up not liking me. but on the other hand, i am just picky with people. i dont think i would want a lot of people in my life because that would be too much drama and too much to handle. i am not a social person in nature, i became a social person because of nurture, because of friends, because of the surroundings that i stayed for a really long time and i think that made me became a better person, i improved a lot but there are just times that i wasnt able to face hardships in a right way. i tend to escape from situations that i am not comfortable of. i do not like any uncomfortable situations or situations that wouldn't make me at ease . id rather be away from it than to stay with it. i dont tolerate drama or people that would question my existence, my worth or that would make me cry or be hurt for some reasons. i want to be with people that would bring out the best in me and would make me laugh, would make me smile, would make me know my worth. i dont know, even if i like that person so much, it takes away all of my interest, my vibe, my affection when it started showing signs of toxicity. i mean, id rather be away from people that make me feel that way. i hate explaining myself. i hate pushing or making people to like me if they wont. i just dont see it makes sense. the right people stay and the right people will always make you feel happy even if anything happens. i also do not like playing safe people. i dont like people who acts as victims when in reality they dont. i dont like people who acts this way but talks differently. i just dont know what are they thinking. i dont know, maybe its in my zodiac sign that i could distinguish people of what and who they are really like even if they would talk otherwise. i just have this very friend that just act in a crazy manner. i dont know if what she says shes thinking are really true, because im so true with everything but i remembered she said this one thing that made me rethink again. i just dont know what kind of person she is already. maybe she is just such a people pleaser. and i dont like it. i dont want to be so apologetic towards people if they act that certain way then i would act this way too. and really, you cant serve two masters so dont blind me im not stupid. i dont want people who act like the bats in a fiction story. it really caught my attention and it made me interested with how the story goes. i want ot know the solution that they made to end the bat, so in a very young age, it gave me an idea. i wont tolerate people who sides both. i wont tolerate with people that will only make me an option when i treated them first. its a really good solution that the writer made then it made the bat friendless because he doesnt have one side to stick. i made me so relieved and happy with the solution that i subconsciously applied it in my life until this very age.i just dont like people who trample on me. i dont like people who would want to hurt me even if they said they wont. maybe thats one of the reasons why i dont like to be in a relationship anymore. i cant trust people. their words are so disturbing. i feel like if they said one thing and i would believe in that, i would become a pathetic clown, i would become a controlled puppet that would just believe and follow what they say, its true that in a relationship, it requires trust, and i dont have that thats why i wont force myself to be in a relationship when im not ready. its true that its fun, its have an effect on you that would make you feel loved and wanted but its not always that way, there are always hardships and sometimes it would just eventually end in a pathetic way. its hard to start from scratch again, its hard to fix myself again, its hard to find myself again. its been 2 years since i just started to fix and find myself again, its hard to be so stuck and i dont want to force myself to be with another person just to forget the sad past. i dont want to harm new person again. maybe when im stable, when its time, thats when i would start to have a serious relationship. i just want flings for now. i just want people to come and go and for me to come and go as well, i dont like attachment anymore, i dont want a new serious relationship that would go to waste again. i still have a long way to go and i think that i still have lots to learn. i just want to make myself better and better each day and as long as ai like myself, i care for myself, and as long as i love myself, i dont see any problems with it. i dont force things anymore. i dont have certain plans anymore. whatever happens, happens and i cant live with toxic people again. i dont want to make myself suffer again i just want to live in peace, in a place where people will no longer judge me in their eyes. and i found that place now. please, just let me live in a way that would make my life easier, its true that i have goals, that i have a dream to follow and i hope that someday i would be able to reach them, all of them