"Happy memories does not have to be your leash to someone. Do not cage yourself to those memories, let them go, and that will set you free."
It started with "uy Jennie!" (
english translation: hey Jennie!)
Earlier that day was our dance performance. I actually know him for half a year back then since we were blockmates but we were not close with each other.
As a shy girl, while dancing, I did not know where to stick my eyes at. I am barely even looking at my friends' eyes because I am afraid I might laugh when I make an eye contact with them. However, in my peripheral vision I can sense him looking at me which made me anxious as I do not want an attention right at that moment. You might say that I am assuming, but no. I tried to scan my eyes in his location and I can say that he is literally staring at me! Luckily I finished the performance neat and peaceful.
After the performance, he started to tease me saying, "ang galing mo sumayaw" (
english tranlation: you're good in dancing). Well, I might say I know how to dance but I cannot say that im good at it, that is why it annoys me hearing him say that.
On the same day of the said performance, after class, my team had a rehearsal for the Cenaculo role playing. Since our class schedule is from 1:00 P.M. to 8:30 P.M., we had a 30-minute rehearsals before going home.
9:00 P.M. As I come out of the room we just had the rehearsals at, I heard someone shouting "Jennie!", it's like someone is calling someone by her name. My name is not Jennie, so I did not bother to look back and just continue my thing. I was about to leave the building when someone grabbed my bag enough to stop me from walking, "uy Jennie!" he said. Yeah, it was him, my ex boyfriend =.= "sabay ako" he added (
english translation: let's go together). Since im not a rude person, I let him. "Kanina pa kita tinatawag" he said, and "akala ko hindi ako yung tinatawag mo", I replied. "Kamukha mo kasi si Jennie ng Blackpink" he added (
english translation: I have been calling you; I thought I am not the one you are calling; you look like Jennie of Blackpink that's why), and I was like 'huh?!' I mean, im not even being humble here but I look nothing like Jennie, I don't see any resemblance or even similarity. So I was like, okay... maybe it is his other way of teasing me.
Same things happen for the next few days...
Last night of our rehearsal. Since Cenaculo is one of the hardest role plays among all the groups, it needs a lot more rehearsals. To make the long story short, our group was the last one to leave the building since we rehearsed longer. My friends already left as they were on a different group from mine, and they all went home earlier that us; but surprisingly he is still there, in the lobby.
Im pretty sure we were the last student in our department to leave the buiding. I don't want to assume that he is waiting for me so I walked passed by him. I heard someone said, "inantay kita" (
english translation: I waited for you), so I turned to see who it was, and guess who? Of course it's him, my ex! He is walking behind me. I smiled and waited for him so that we can walk together. I guess I can finally say that it is me he is trying to wait, ehe!
Since my friends already went home, he sent me to the bus terminal, he waited there with me until the next bus arrived.
When its time for me to get on the bus he stood up, smiled, and said "bye", then walked home.
P.S. I live an hour away from school, and its only walking distance from the bus terminal to where he lives.
Back then, I really thought he was just playing with me that is why I did not take his gestures seriously. As an ABM student, "do not assume unless otherwise stated" is our golden rule and I think I applied it in my life hahaha! I will not assume anything unless you say so.
However, some things started to change; he always come to eat with us, he never fail to send me to the bus terminal after class even though I have my friends with me, he waits for me on the bus terminal to come together to school, we started chatting non-stop during weekends, and every night during weekdays and so on...
Those changes kept on repeating that I get used to it. I never asked him anything about 'us' as I don't want to look pathetic. I was just going with the flow of our status until he, himself, finally said, "nanliligaw ako ha" (
english translation: I am courting you).
He said that straight to my face and I literally froze. I have never experienced someone confess to me like that ever in my entire teenage life. The feelings are new to me that is why I do not know how to handle it. I just froze there and failed to utter a word. I was like a blank page until I arrived home.
After that confession, we started to act like somehow more of a couple, but not quite a real couple. Its just like our actions are becoming more serious than how we used to be, just like how every other couples do. After months of courting, I decided to take another level and become his official girlfriend. I introduced him to my parents and some immediate family, and so as to his. We were legally accepted by both sides.
We would go on movie dates...
Or even convenient store dates...
We like to take photos of each other...
He likes to take photos of me to annoy me...
He probably likes to annoy me everytime.
And he likes to give me flowers.
You see, we started as a happy couple. He built a good relationship with my parents. He is the perfect boyfriend I could ever ask. Not until he does this...
He suspect me over nothing just because I refused to give him my facebook account. My reason is simply because I still want to have my privacy. He gave me his account, now he wants me to give him mine, too. In fact, I did not dare to open his account because I want to respect his privacy, and he expects me to reciprocate. I stand my ground, and did not give my account.
My every move is suspicious to him that I cannot move freely. He keeps on provoking me over something that I did not do. He keeps on doing it over and over until I had enough. I broke up with him for the first time. He tried to win me back, by saying he'll change and I gave him a chance.
For the first few days, I saw the 'change' that he promised. He became less demanding, he became less suspicious of me, he let me breathe for a moment; five, seven days he remains to be like that. Maybe it is just his natural attitude, the real him; that is why it came back naturally and it gets worse.
He started to accuse me of cheating on him.
One of my friends is migrating to US that's why she wants to gather all her girl friends to have a girls night in her house. As a 'loyal girlfriend' I told him about my friend's plan and he immediately state that I just don't want him to come along that's why I said it's a girls night. Ugh!
He would also suspect me of chatting with someone whenever I reply late.
I thought several times, will it be okay for me to really end our relationship? Was my reason of breaking up with him really worth it? Or do I have to wait and hold on for a little bit? I became selfless for once for giving him a second chance, and I guess I won't have to do it twice.
This time, I chose myself.
I have to end a once beautiful relationship with someone for the reason that I have to choose me. I chose to have a piece of mind over the love I have for him back then.
These part of our book was the reason why I had a hard time giving up. I thought that I will never be that happy again if it's not with him. But as days goes by, I learned that you don't have to depend your happiness to anyone, that you can be happy even if it's just you. You can be your own happiness. I learned that loving yourself first is necessary before you enter into a relationship, becuase "loving yourself is the beginning of true love" (Jin, 2020), and that kept me going. Now, I've moved on.
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