I have a story to tell but I need you to believe in yourself before believing in me.

Hello everyone! Surely, the pandemic has been a threat to the humanity as of now. But everyone believes that it will be over in at least a year after. We really hope this will end as soon as possible.

Because of this pandemic, a lot of people have been experiencing stress, anxiety, and unfortunately, depression. How lucky are we to still be alive and healthy until now? There are those whose works are in front of the threat of the virus but there are those who are inside the four walls of their comfort home yet wanted to end everything. Is it really worth to end it now?

I myself has always been battling this anxiety inside even before this silent war prevailed. I have been jobless for more than two years now. You may be asking how I ended up jobless... and still remains sane. No, I am not sane. Because I had many regrets until now that I end up sleeping at two in the morning and wake up at five in the same morning. Insane, right? Why jobless? Because I made wrong choices in my life. Insane, right?

I regret having to work after I graduated in college at such a young age. I was not mature yet I was bold enough to work immediately. Insane, right? I placed a burden on myself because I believed having to work at an early age is an achievement that could add on to my wall of achievements that I had been earning since high school just to make 'my parents proud'. I regret working not for myself and not for my future but for 'my parents' pride'. I could still remember my mom flexing at our neighbors that I had already a job just two months after my graduation. Insane, right? Let me tell you now that I am the living evidence that one should work, not for others, but for yourself and for the sake of the future ahead. However, believe me. Having the mindset that you should do everything you want in life does not equate to a good life yourself. You have to find a work that's worth it. You have to have a source of income because the reality has become so harsh. It's hard to depend on your parents for two years like mine.

Furthermore, I regret having to not take a lot of opportunities because I did not love myself. It's hard for me to discuss or even open up to my 'friends' about me not loving myself because whenever I am with these 'friends' they talk about their boyfriends flexing about their romance which I don't give a ***k. I cannot talk it to my family for they will just laugh at me. Sadly, you know that moment when you faced a mirror and you suddenly realized you are ugly? That's what I have been feeling. Too much insecurities have clouded my mind until now to the extent that I refused to take a picture with my 'friends' and family. I haven't even changed my profile picture in Facebook for a year now because I don't think everyone will like to see my distorted face. Yes, distorted because I have a disproportionate jaw and eyes that are very noticeable when I take a photo in my front camera. But then I realized one day... Why am I depending on mirrors when no mirror has always been accurate in the world? Why do I believe that a selfie is a real representation of my face in reality? A mirror is a liar given to those who worship beauty set by the society. You, as a reader, let me take this opportunity to tell you that mirrors only show reflections and not the real you. You should accept and love whatever you look like and you should think that people don't have the right to have a say to your face, except when there's a poop on your face. Believe me but don't be like me. I may live such a lonely and empty life but please learn from me.

Moreover, believing in myself is as hard as believing others. It's still hard for me to find a reason to believe what I can do. I don't have someone who I can call a best friend because I think no one believes in me. At one time, I thought no one loves me or even accepts someone like me - a flawed version of human -- like I am living in an island. I am not perfect. I act smart but I always tell erroneous information. I act strong but I have always been fragile in the middle of the dark night. I act as a good person when in fact I am bad. But why don't I still believe in and love myself? It's because no one showed appreciation to my existence. No one recognizes that my existence is important to their entire existence. No one. Not even one of my family does. They just see me as a future ATM - a producer of crunchy money. The truth is, I had been accepted in a job before but I pretended I had an offer of a permanent position from other company. Insane, right? I know I AM DUMB. I regret not having to be sane at those moments. Now, you know what to do for yourself? Love yourself. Don't even try to be me. Believe that you can do everything because you actually can!

Seriously, what is anxiety? Am I experiencing depression or just a mere product of my imagination? I thought I made this all up for myself. But someone noticed that I have been so silent which was different because I was talkative when I was a student. Someone also asked me why I was stuttering whenever they ask me something. Hell, one friend was even shocked when I blabbered a lot of irrelevant things in front of my former teacher when the question was so simple. I was trembling when I talk to people or strangers who I am not comfortable to talk with. Is this a made-up act? I was not the one who noticed it. But still, I have no right to assess myself about what condition I am suffering right now. Perhaps, this struggle has a specific name in the book of psychologists. Remember to not assess yourself's condition based on what you see in social media. Believe me, experts say that it is best to consult experts to know what you are experiencing.

Despite many regrets in the past, I still hope for a bright future ahead of me. I have to be strong because I have to. If I wouldn't be, how could I survive? How could I experience having a permanent job? How could I make myself proud? How could I believe in myself that I can make it through? How could I find and love myself? I have to think positive things. It's hard especially in these times. We have to believe in ourselves.

For the mean time, I have been watching lots of anime series (Shout out to Attack on Titans fans!) and various films just to kill time. But, guess what? Someone notified me about the status of my application, and I may have to start work this October. HOPEFULLY!