We All Have a Bad Within

I'm sometimes concerned about how mean I am. I do or say something and then, afterwards, I replay it over and over inside my head. These become like movie scenes in my head wherein I dissect what I've said and done. Was I too mean? Was the term I used "bad" or unacceptable? Was I too forward? Too blunt? Did I laugh at something I shouldn't have laughed at? Then I think about what I should have said or done that would have given a better perception of me. But then that wouldn't be the real me. It would be a sterilized version of me.

People see me as someone unapproachable. In college, it had something to do with my eyebrows or my eyes. Even the people who've managed to become my friends did tell me that I have this unapproachable vibe because of how I looked or stared. I find it mildly amusing now. But then, my eyebrows were a cause for worry. They were too arched, I guess? Too arched to the point that people labeled me as "maldita" or mean because of it. To judge me by the shape of my brows is too shallow. Don't you think?

I also have this habit of just nodding and listening, especially to conversations wherein I hear someone who brags too much. My lips will form a small smile and I'll have probably this vague and dream-like look on my face while my mind wander to other more interesting things, like what K-Drama should I watch next. I don't know. I just don't like listening to others who brag too much. I am more impressed with character, not material things. I am more drawn to people who say "Thank you" to servers than to those who mention their yachts or million-dollar rest houses. I like kindness and intelligence, empathy as well.

I guess I am also an introvert, but I do chat away when I am with people whom I know well and vice-versa. Maybe I'm also afraid of being rejected. We, my brothers and I, grew up without a father since he left my Mama for another woman when I was barely five years old. Things that happen to us in the past, no matter how hard we try to bury them in our memories, do come out, perhaps ever so subtly, in how we think and behave. This fear of rejection that is always at the back of my mind is perhaps something that's ingrained because I felt, subliminally, that we were rejected by our father. So, instead of being rejected once more, I distance myself. I step away and separate myself from people first before they get a chance to leave me. It's unhealthy, but it's difficult to overcome.

There is so much within us at present that are because of what we went through in the past. Our childhood does have an effect on our character and behavior. Even if we try so very hard to hide these things or erase them from our hearts and minds, these will always become evident in what we do and how we react. Our past cannot be erased. We can learn from it and take it in stride. We can deal with it. Face it, so that we will know what our weaknesses really are and perhaps find strength in them instead. In order to not be crippled by the past, we must face it head on because maybe, just maybe, what we fear isn't that bad at all.

Maybe, what is bad inside us isn't really that bad or evil. Maybe it is just a part of us that needs light and love, attention and care. In time, this "bad" within will morph into something good. That is what gives me hope.