I am definitely not the first person to become self sufficient at an early age. To learn to bathe myself, cook for myself, clear the messes I made. It's not exactly a bad thing. Some of us had really busy parents, some were children of divorce. I know some were also neglected ofcourse.
I spent most of my time between the ages of eight and twelve in the kitchen cooking the kind of dishes I wouldn't even hand to an animal. I made many mistakes (almost sent myself to the hospital on one occasion) but I'd like to think I turned out okay, considering the alternatives.
The thing is, when you're used to doing things for yourself you find it extremely difficult to seek help from anyone else. Even in times of need you act as if you have it all under control. When you don't. You fear people finding anything amiss with you. You don't want them to help cause you're afraid they'll use it against you. I get it. I do.
I've been on this ship since before I was old enough to realize. Self sufficiency isn't a bad thing till it gets in the way of opportunity. There comes a time when you are the one standing in your own way. I get that. Been there too. There are things I wish I could undo. Friends I turned away. Relationships I never explored because I was afraid.
There are things I still want to do. I will require aid in quite a lot of them. And that requires trust from me. Something I'm not certain I can give. But I have an unofficial resolution from this year. To take and give. To let in. I've let more people go this year than I have my entire life. And I've also let in quite a few. All I'm saying is I'm trying.
