23rd December 2020

I remember what it is to have a loving family. Noisy mornings in the kitchen. The sound of laughter, smell of freshly baked bread, jacket potatoes, grilled fish, everything. I remember the feeling of home, the slack in my shoulders and the touch of my pajamas on my skin.

I remember birthdays, cakes, sodas, dances, swaying with my feet, lithe movements on the floor and my life a glasshouse but my existence as far from bleak.

I remember so many things. Friends I haven't seen in decades. Bullies whose faces I barely remember. The people with whom I wasted time with. But it was worth every single second. They are dreams I cherish, memories I banished.

I remember my life as I wanted it to be. Not as it is. I know I am not making much sense. I know many of us can close our eyes and imagine a place as far away from our reality as we can get. Hyperphantasia and maladaptive daydreaming or something like that. And for someone as miserable as I, I really needed that.