This is my first time here. I'm a nervous wreck. Or atleast I should be. I can't seem to care. I can't seem to care about anything. You know how alot of us live pretty drab lives? They're called routines, yes but there's no excitement. Nothing joyous about checking your mail daily, making a cup of coffee - I prefer tea - sneaking a chocolate bar and convincing yourself you've had breakfast, some sort of meal.
It's an odd phenomenon. When you work at home you eat too little or too much. There's no in-between. There are days when you struggle to eat and days when you stuff down everything. Then you panic. Have I developed a bad eating habit?
I feel like I have added some weight. I definitely have added some weight. I feel like I need to go out more. I feel like meeting people is trouble. I feel like no one understands me. I feel like when I talk no one is listening. I feel like I am going crazy cooped up here, but then if I step outside I wanna be home again. Have you ever felt like me? And if so, how did you finally break free?
So I've spent the past few days trying to understand reality. My reality. I get scared when I don't understand some things. Sometimes I feel I might be OCD, but do obsessive-compulsive people stay in bed for a week?
I am sometimes terrified of what people would think of me? I don't have normal thoughts. I don't see shrinks cause I think if I did they'd run. Or lock me up. I don't know what's worse. And I know I'm not Bundy or Dahmer but this is as far as I get explaining my panic attacks to another.
I'm afraid of love. It's not something I've ever understood. I haven't had a chance to be enthralled by it. To find out if I'm a romantic. To laugh and smile and not feel so frantic. I remember being in that haunted house. See what I called it? Haunted. He tried to kill me - metaphorically.
The worse I get the more muddled my thoughts become and I can't finish anything. Then the fear arrives and it's nothing but crippling. Some nights I cry when I can't speak. Some nights I watch as he watches me. Do you see why I might be in need of a diary?
