t/here; on the other side of tragedy

"some wounds never heal”

I have heard and read this line countless times and I have always been indecisive of whether I agree with it or not. I am young; and while that may not be an excuse or perhaps it might not be the case for other people at all; my point is that, I have not been through the worst yet. However, I am also wounded—just like most people are—and contrary to my abiding indecision, this line has been leaning heavy on my acknowledgement for the past weeks.

You might be wondering why don’t I just claim that I agree with such words. Well, I don’t think I do and I am trying not to.

For almost two years now, I have just lived to get by. You know what I mean right? I stopped looking forward to my tomorrows, more so on planning my days. I stopped painting for myself too and while I hate the thought of it, I accepted commissions still because I feel like I should [but eventually stopped because my works sucked]. I barely hanged out with friends because I believed I did not need to. I got myself stuck in the grey. Again, I got myself stuck in the grey. I indulged myself in bad habits—wasn’t doing things for the hope of it all anymore.

Nevertheless, I am here now; writing this and trying; hopeful once more. I bought a new sketchbook, decluttered my stuffs, started a journal, and even wrote a self-care plan for the month of august. I have not accomplished much yet—only four pages of my sketchbook is filled over the month of June, only managed to decorate the cover and the first page of my journal, my WIPs from a year ago are still WIPs—but pages of my sketchbook were filled, my journal is ready to hear me out, my WIPs are now out from plastics waiting to be finished. I guess I’m off somewhere, say……on the other side of tragedy?

I will forever wonder if my wounds will ever heal and perhaps one of these days, I could be crying myself to sleep again either because of that same wound or because of a new bigger one. We’ll never know. But again, I am young. While giving up and dying does not seem so much of a bad thing to do, I am choosing to try for now. Because either way, everything is uncertain and I’m only human ;)

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/ Image used is a photo I took of my painting (2021) /