I have spent about a month on noise.cash and noticed that some users are facing real (and concerning) challenges with depression. There many messages that indicate this. However, none of them really caught my attention recently. It was last night that someone posted the following picture, with no comment.
This concerned me greatly. I often find myself spending a portion of my time on noise.cash comforting such individuals, and occasionally relating my experience in the interim. However, as I was sleeping last night, I thought it may be a good idea to write this article and, in doing so, perhaps help encourage more people.
Therefore, I will begin with my personal experience. What I went through (1), what has helped (2), how I am/feel now (3), and some words of wisdom (4). I am writing this to outline one major thing:
I was realy realy bad. But I managed to get out of it and lead a normal life. There are few chances that your condition is as bad as mine was, so please compare your situation with what I went through and, if I managed to pull out of this, you can too.
1: WHAT I WENT THROUGH
In March, 2018 due to events that happened in my life (my father passing away, my mom making some bad financial decisions, becoming unemployed, etc...) I started to not feel good. There was no indication as to a serious health condition. I did not exercise, I did not get out of the house, and... gradually, I would wake up with nightmares around 2am, not being able to sleep anymore. I want to add that I am only 37 years old.
I did not know what was happening. But gradually, the stress and anxieties in life manage to somehow affect me to this point. I started having panic attacks; instances in which you start breathing fast and heavily for no obvious reason. In addition, everything in my stomach was hurting. I went to 3 hospitals with panic attacks and none of them could tell me "Dude, you're just having panic attacks". Instead, they did blood work and sent me home because everything was ok.
My wife (same age as myself) knew that I needed help. She did not understand the issue either, and, after receiving advise from others (big mistake) we went to a psychiatrist. And this is where things went from bad to extremely worse.
She determined I had depression and anxiety. The solution? Drugs! Started off with two antidepressants and a benzodiazepine to be taken at a time. How did it go?
I started having uncontrollable body twitches
Burning skin. I used to crawl in bed next to my wife asking her to just hold me, with all the skin on my legs and back burning with no relief.
Special light-effects. That's where your eyes see fireworks, vertical moving bars, and everything with a glow effect. I call this the "holy" effect.
Blurry vision.
I was advised to continue using the drugs. Well, at one point my vision got so blurry, I could not walk on my own. I was holding on to my wife while going places. I could make out cars and large objects.
Solution? Let's change the meds the psych said.
I was put on 3 completely different meds, including an anti-psychotic. I never had psychotic episodes, nor is there anyone in my family that did. But hey, doctor knows best right? So what happened?
I did not sleep for 3 days and 3 nights straight. And the 3rd day, I was exploding with energy. The rush of energy was surreal. All I wanted to do is just run!
Parts of my body started moving by themselves. I would sit in bed, my hand and feet would lift up on their own. I would repeat the same things over and over again, the same things...
Drug-induced Parkinsonism.
Repeating the same thing over and over and over again.
I was put on a total of 8 different meds. I reached a point where I said, I no longer want to live like this. I was literally holding on to the walls as I was walking from one room to another so that I wont fall. And I used to be a jogger. And so, I quit all the meds, at once. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Why?
For about 2 weeks I had akathisia. This is basically a movement disorder, where you constantly have to move. It is a movement disorder, and the only way to relieve the internal pain is to constantly move.
After this wore off, i started again getting about 2 hours of sleep a night, for about 5 months. Still had blurry vision and a bunch of serious and unpleasant side-effects. It took 2 years for me to start feeling normal again, but it eventually happened.
2: WHAT HELPED
When I started feeling better and I could read again, I did research. These are some of the things that helped me.
There is a fantastic article by Dr. Kelly Brogan entitled: From Gut to Brain: The Inflammation-Depression Connection. Everyone should read this article.
I did more research on how the brain and our gut is connected.
TL:DR:
Our brain and the gut is connected by the vagus nerve. Vagus nerve is a system of nerves, think of it as a root, like a tree root. This vagus nerve carries messages from our gut to our brains. If something is not working right in our gut, if the "gut habitat" becomes compramised with bacteria, parasites, viruses etc. it will send "bad" messages to the brain.
When we are stressed and/or depressed, our bodies become more acidic. Acidity kills good stomach bacteria, and if the body stays acidic for long periods it an lead to other illnesses. I knew I needed to raise my body pH to be more alkaline. Therefore...
I quit the folowing from my diet:
Gluten (known to cause gut inflammation and depression)
Sugars (sugar destroys stomach flora and is overall bad)
Foods high in metal content (tuna, osters, crab, etc..)
Alcohol (beer/wine, I never drank strong beverages; not my thing)
I introduced the following in my diet (to raise pH/alkalize):
Avocados (more pH than lemons, oranges, etc...)
Warm water with lemon juice every morning after waking up
Probiotics (help restore gut flora caused by stress/depression)
Supplements that increase immunity.
Switched
I juiced. Stress/depression depletes the body of vitamins/minerals. Juicing, especially green juices, help build your immunity and gut flora.
In addition I did:
Exercise. Even if the body did not want to, even if in pain, I forced myself to exercise. Nothing heavy, some days just walking in nature for 30+ minutes a day.
Meditation. If your reaction is "WTH? Im not a Buddhist", change your perspective. I thought it was ridiculous too. But here is what I found:
Meditation calms the central nervous system. In a sense, meditation can help you "run diagnostics" and reprogram your central nervous system. Initially, while meditating, your body will scream to move, and you will probably feel uncomfortable. Sitting still will not be easy, but force yourself to stay put.
So how does one meditate? Its not that hard.
Get still.
Close your eyes
Put your attention on your heart.
Feel an elevated emotion.
Force yourself to feel an elevated emotion. The key is to feel thankfulness and gratitude. Search deep for reasons to feel this way. Think of the precious past moments. Think of past happy experiences. You can't? Then go out in nature, close your eyes and listen. Listen to the birds. Find reasons to be grateful for hearing the birds. Find reasons to be thankful for the birds. What do you like about birds? Colors? The way they fly with grace? What lessons can you learn from a bird? Don't like birds? Find something else. Listen to the wind. Feel the way it touches your skin, your hair. What can you learn from the wind? What can you learn from the trees. What about the trees that produce your favorite fruit? What about the earth, the sea, the clouds... Find the joy in nature, find a reason to show gratitude, and you will find you joy. Search within your heart, examine yourself. Are you angry? Are you envious? Move past these feelings. Think greater than you feel.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes from Dr. Joe Dispenza:
"If you can't think greater than how you feel, of if feelings have become the means of thinking, then you are living in the past"
"Trade your frustrations, resentment, impatience... for gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness"
"Where you place your attention is where you place your energy"
"Become conscious of those unconscious thoughts and they will never slip by you again"
Prayer is also form of meditation. If you prefer, do this. But do it showing complete gratitude.
I forced myself at least 30 minutes to meditate. It was painful at first, but all the spasms, all the shaking, all the fears, all the bad thoughts, all the concerns, and the rest of the side effects completely went away in meditation. I knew it was working. The whole theory behind re-programming your thoughts and your central nervous system are real. I thoughts it was all a bunch of crap, till I tried it. I meditated at least every other day, and when I got the hang of it, I did not want to come out of it. It was the only way that I could be at complete peace, internally.
Time is another factor that helps. You will get better, but it requires time. Sometimes even a couple of years. But it does get better.
3: HOW I AM/FEEL NOW
After 1 year I started to feel "OK". Not good, just ok; functional. Today, 2 years, 10 months later I can say that I feel good and I live a happy normal life. Withdrawls and side effects are 99% gone and I write this with a big smile on my face, considering everything that I went through.
Initially, I saw no way out. I did not want to live disabled as I was, and there were times I planned on ways to just end it all. But a part of me also loved life, loved the sun, loved the beach, loved my family, loved traveling, and I chose to focus on these things. In addition, I could not bear to take my life, and leave my wife without a husband.
I still seem to have a bigger sensitivity to stressful situations. But I avoid them as much as I could, considering that my body is still healing. But I started running again, I smile, I laugh, I cry. I lead a normal life. Still married. Grateful to my wife who basically nurtured me back to health, in the bleakest of days.
4: WORDS OF WISDOM
It does get better. However, the person that can help you the most is YOURSELF. You have to put in the effort. Find reasons to live, and focus on these reasons. Search deep within yourself and try to feel gratitude and thankfulness. Feeling these emotions can heal not only your body but the brain as well.
Patience. Diet change. Meditation. Excercise. All help. Some of these things will make your body uncomfortable. Withdrawing from sugar and gluten is not an easy task, but possible.
A hollistic clinic said that it takes about 3-4 months for the blood in your body to fully renew. Most people make diet changes and after 2-3 weeks feel no difference. In reality though, the do not give it enough time.
In addition, if you are on medication for depression, please do not do what I did and just quit. This can have severe consequences. My doctor was not exactly a good doctor; and I only learned this later. If you wish to get off the medication talk to your doctor first and create a safe plan.
Things will get better. Have patience. Healing does happen, even if we can not see it, and focus on the many reasons to live.
I suppose main idea that I want people to understand is that you have more control than you think. You can prevent things from getting worse. It's never too late. And if you find yourself in the darkest of places, remember this:
The sky is certainly black at night, but if you look carefully, you will see the stars. Be grateful that the stars are there. Focus on the stars. In time, you will learn to see only the light of the stars, not the darkness.
-END
If this article helps at least one person, then my work was not without purpose. If this article helped you, please let me know below. I would find great joy in knowing that it did. Thank you. [C.M].
it is helpful to those who struggle in depression or in stress. good message and story of yours