I am always asking God why did you gave me to a broken family? Why do I have to suffer in this kind of pain? Why can't I decide on my own? Why?
Its been 11 years I guess? But the pain and trauma is still here. I can still feel the sadness and the loneliness. Seeing my parents fighting in front of me and my brother when we were young. I can still remember the lines that they said. I can see how third party ruined our family. I can still remember how they belittle my father because of lack of money. I can still remember what they said. "Your mom leave your dad because he don't have money." our neighbor said while pointing and laughing at me like it's a funny thing.
This problem push me to ruined my life. I learned how to drink alcohol at very young age. I'm got home so late. I became rebel. People says I'm tough but they don't know when I'm crying when I'm alone.
3 years ago I almost take my own life because of frustation. I'm tired of everything. Why I can't be happy? I'm doing everything for them to notice me that I need help because I'm dying inside. There are voices that are telling me to take my own life. I can't see any colors it seems life everything was turn into black, white and gray. But luckily, someone save me she stopped me.
And now, after 1 year of lockdown and staying at home it feels empty. My dad's live-in partner died recently and seeing him crying and begging on me to go to his place, to be with him just for 1 week because he's lonely. His partner died infront of him due to Hypertension. He's traumatize. He can't sleep alone. We want to see him but my mother didn't allow us to visit him because of her anger on him. Why do I need to get involve in their issue? I'm angry on her because she can't understand the situation. I can't go to my dad and all I can do is to cry.
While I'm writing this article I'm hoping that my dad is doing great. I hope he's not crying alone. I pray for his fast recovery.
If you people have a complete and happy family, then you're lucky because you have something that I don't have, that I wish I have. Tell to your parents that you love them when you still have a chance because we don't know what will happen in the future.
Some people says I'm lucky and they want the life that I have. Then I ask myself, "Am I really lucky? If yes, then why I'm not happy?" No one can handle this kind of problem. Don't wish to be in my situation because it's very tragic. My mom has other family and I'm living on her house I can feel her favoritism and I'm not part of it. I tried to prove and show them my worth but they can't see it.
This things are what my mind says about the family that I have. If you have the same situation as mine, don't give-up. You're not alone. We may grown-up in a broken family but let's make sure that our own family will not end up like that. We already know how hard to be in that situation, so don't let your future children experience that. That's all.
I hate my father because he always making an ironic joke but I realized that I'm still lucky. Best wishes for you po and I hope you will get well.