Balancing life

Continued from my previous article https://read.cash/@aniruddhasen/balancing-life-part-1-the-thermostat-8374fe14

Paradox 1- change and stability

The hallmark of a good movie is that the build up to the climax has to be intriguing and unpredictable. That’s what keeps the audience engaged and thinking. In a horror movie the climax where the demon taking the soul of the young girl is not that horrifying but the squeaking of stairs in darkness, the opening of the door in itself, the reflection of the ghost in the mirror and other paranormal activities are more horrifying.

The possibility of a disaster keeps us on our emotional toes than the actual disaster. The core human need is stability and a predictability of events. The main cause of anxiety is whether and when that bad thing will happen. We hope and even lie to ourselves to get a feeling that we are controlling the fate. We stick to our time tested routine and build habits that keep us within the small circle of repetitive and easily achievable goals.

 This obsessive control of things makes life boring- this is one of the biggest side effects of it. The same routine, the same tasks, the same repetition in itself starts challenging us. We start questioning ourselves that life is something more than this. Suddenly the stability starts suffocating us. You feel like breaking free of it and do something wild like bungee jumping or waterskiing or climbing a mountain or going for a hike.

Why? Because we need a change.

The new excitement gives you an adrenaline rush which you missed for so long. It invigorates you and you feel like you have a new sense of purpose in life. You feel as if this jump from certainty to uncertainty was necessary in your life.

Then again that creepy feeling comes back that you need to find the certainty and stability back. You feel that you have pushed your limit for long and now you yearn to go back to your earlier life again. Now you feel that going back to the routine like will be satisfying, and you are done with this detour to the unknown – until you feel the next pull of change.

As control can cause anxiety and boredom so change can also cause anxiety and despair as we destabilize our environment. So we need to make incremental and conscious change in setting our goals and purpose. This way your movement between the thermostat of stability and change will be as per your choice.

Paradox-2 – freedom and commitment

How do we create a meaning for ourselves? Freedom gives us the opportunity to do what we want, believe what we want to believe and think what we want to think. It opens up immense opportunities to choose how to give meaning to our lives. But this freedom can overwhelm us also with the list of bigger and bigger opportunities that after a certain point of time it can discourage commitment within us. Commitment to something would entail we are ready to give up something. Without commitment life seems to be pointless just a butterfly sitting on one flower to another without any purpose and just enjoying the freedom.

From all the alternatives that freedom throws at us, when we pick and choose some and make it our commitment do we give a meaning and purpose to our lives. When you choose one life partner from all the other possibilities then you are committing, when you choose a career over others then you are committing. Freedom is all about giving up something consciously and commitment is about choosing something consciously.

But both freedom and over commitment can stifle us. Over commitment can make us feel trapped and caged and make us feel as if we have lost the freedom of choice. At some point of time we again feel like we need the options of freedom as we have our choice of commitments. We want to break free of the commitment and enjoy the freedom again.

To get out of this paradox we need to commit to those choices which will multiply our freedom. When we are committing to education then we are expanding our knowledge freedom. When you commit to a relation that will increase your emotional maturity then you are expanding your emotional freedom.

But we should be cautious about stagnation in growth. When we make a commitment out of fear and insecurity we will shrink ourselves. So it is important that we understand when it is time to leave a commitment and explore other options of freedom. This way your movement between the thermostat of freedom and commitment will be an enriching one.

Paradox-3 – conformity and individuality

Connecting with others is one of our basic needs because we are a social animal. We all want to be a part of group or social circle. For this we often tend to compromise our individuality with conformity. Here we think that conformity will give us more access to the group and more acceptances. In offices it is quite common to accept the views and opinions of the boss, irrespective of your actual opinions – because you want to be in his good books, the boss has a lot of power to put brakes to your career.

But when we conform too much then we start losing our individuality. What we once did to gain acceptance now seems like causing an identity crisis. You surrendered your individuality and now due to that lack of individuality you will find the relationship meaningless. The desire for individuality comes from the same thing as the desire for conformity. The desire for conformity comes from the desire to be accepted as a part of the group and the desire for individuality comes from the desire to be accepted as someone unique on the group.

To be a contrarian you risk of being left alone and branded as a non-conformist. Your individuality then becomes the weakest link of the chain. A healthy relationship requires a balance between the ability to identify with someone as well as the ability to identify without someone. You need to be accepted as you are by the others.

So it is important that you get acceptance as you are as well as acceptance of others view you. It is the ability to get recognized both as an individual and also as one who conforms to the group. That way your movement between the thermostat of individuality and conformity will be an acceptable one.

(This ends the two part article on Balancing life)