“Hold the fuck up!” Hey, I say, I am the fuck up. Please hold me.
“How's one to know? I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones. In a faith forgotten land, in from the snow. Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow, tarnished but so grand.”
I’m covered in vines, shut from the world. Abandoned in the corner of a ghost town, there’s no one would even want to take a glimpse of me until you came. You started to cutdown all the vines that’s covering me for many years, and then sunlight begin to peek from my old broken walls and windows to give a little light inside of me, I feel warmth for the very first time in forever again. How does that even possible? When I already accepted darkness for so long?
Are you some kind of a magician? I’m sorry I called you a fucking idiot. I was trying to flirt. I’ve forgotten to interact to someone like you for a long time. I don’t know how to start a conversation the right way. Actually, I don’t know how to do it anymore. All I only know was to deal with anger, fear, sadness and chaos. I’m haunted by those.
May I ask why did you chose to enter my home in the first place? Aren’t you afraid of what’s gonna come after? The risk? Oh the risks you’ll be taking after this! I’m afraid I might hurt you in the process. I’m a total mess! Every corner of my home are nothing but termites. My floors are covered by houses ants and dusts. My plumbing system has been clogged by rust and moss. Nothing’s working on every piece of me anymore. So why are you here? I have nothing to offer you. I am nothing. I am haunted. Ghosts are living inside of me. They won’t leave. Or maybe I don’t want them to leave? Because I’m always longing for a companion? I don’t know. It’s just that, it doesn’t feel so good to be alone.
Why did you chose to stay? When you already have a beautiful home that’s not wrecked, has a strong foundation, and something that you can keep up until your grave. Do you even see yourself living inside me in your future too? Like the way I feel about you. I really want to know. Because if you do, you can help me renovate this ruined home into something beautiful, so you can stay with me here maybe up until forever. But aren’t you just confuse perhaps? Maybe you were drawn to me right now because you don’t wanna make me feel sad? Or perhaps, you’re looking for some new place to wander while you lost your soul connection with the other? I’m wondering, will you choose a home that’s broken and nothing compared to that one whom you spend almost half of your life growing and building in?
I’m really afraid you know. Afraid of entertaining visitors inside of me because I know for sure when they get tired of the humble things that I can offer, they will eventually leave so soon. Oh, actually, I really have nothing to offer as I’ve said. Because I really don’t know if a Haunted House like me can still be renovated to something livable, to something lovable. My past heartaches, insecurities, regrets, and what if’s won’t leave like a friend whose accompanying me every time before I go to sleep, or when there’s a storm that’s raging in, or when sadness gives a surprise visit on some days.
Then I think, maybe, I’m better of abandoned? Maybe, I’m better of alone? But I really like you here with me. Because since you came, I started to learn to be happy again. Be hopeful again. But you are already promised to another. That’s something that I can’t take out of my system. Because everything about me is wrong. Loving someone like me is wrong. Even my very existence. And maybe, I’m not really someone you can call home. Maybe I’m just some resting place for awhile so you can get back on track and find what’s really makes you alive again.
But hey, I really like you in here. Because you found me in my most ugly self. Covered in moss and vines, lost and forgotten, abandoned and haunting. But you, you see me as the opposite of the worst. You see me glowing. You see every part of me amazing, something that’s not just haunted for the living, but rather something that can be a reason for your being. You see love inside of me when all I thought of myself is nothing but an empty shelter. That’s why I really like you in here. I love you in here. Around me. Forever.
You smiled, stood up, and came out into my balcony, it’s foggy right? It’s kinda dark and cold around me in here. But perhaps I was the light in your face, and my heart recognizes you from somewhere a long way down. Ah! Maybe you’re living in me from my past lifetime. Somewhere in me, no matter the distance, we are always drawn to each other’s arms. I’ve seen so many faces passing by in front of me, but none of them made my heart jump the way it did when I saw you. I don’t want you in pieces. I want every part of you. All of you. Every last atom of you. Good or bad. And you, you never see me as “Haunted”, but “Wanted”.
And here I stand with you, making a vow to not let you go no matter what, no matter how things ended up, I wanna dance with you until the end, let me dance with you until there are no music to dance to. Because with you here, life becomes easier. And you made me feel that I still have something to offer. That even though I have nothing right now, you inspired me to complete myself. So hey, stay with me, okay? I could look into your eyes until I go blind. Listen to your stories until I go deaf. Walk with you until I’m not able to. Hold your hands until it gets numb. I could kiss you until I’m not able to breathe. You could be the death of me, but it will be the sweetest kind of death. So love me with all you can give, love me with so much conviction, without mercy, without reprieve. And though we were watching for red flags, we both waved a white one.
As beautiful as you are, it’s your soul and mind that I desire.
And suddenly, I can see the sun showing up in this ghost town again. It wipes away the fog and gloomy weather, wipes away what was left of my fears. The moment when I’m starting to grow, or so what’s the experts say so. Somewhere in this coldest part of me, it’s beginning to feel warm somehow. My world which has so often dark and dull, the grass is shining green now. Flowers are blooming. Vines and moss are dying. The sky’s colored in periwinkle. And the dark, it is not so dark anymore.
Somewhere here in this ghost town, you made it feel like alive again.
You are my answered prayer like the hope of heaven. And your hand, the warmth of your hand in mine is my saving grace. And in this chaotic world, you are my peace.
