A Letter To My Future Self | Dear Aly

Dear Aly,

Hi, actually, I don’t have a clue what’s going on right now, I mean, everything just seem so hard for me. I feel so tired and lost at the moment.

It seems like I’m trapped into my responsibilities and it feels like it’s a cycle, like there is no way out. All this strong identity that I’m putting up upfront is slowly shattering down to pieces, showing off my true identity, which is weak, full of depression and anxiety, vulnerable, alone and unhappy.

“You’ve been ridiculed, laughed at, and judged by many people, just because your cover is filthy than garbage, and it seems like none of your content are worthy to read anymore, but you just let them. You just let all those mockery passes by, like as if those excruciating words doesn’t hurt you, not knowing that you’re already dying inside. And although, you’re like a book on the darkest and deepest corner of a library that has been forgotten, full of termites and its torn pages are slowly falling down to pieces, you still hold on. You never gave up on the thought that one day, someone will be able to find you and will have the guts to take a peek inside you, and read your story a little.”

But I don’t really know what’s going on. I tried my hardest to overcome everything for so long, and none of it was enough. All my effort was never enough. Never seen, nor appreciated. It made me feel worthless.

They say that never rely your happiness to others, because it will be easily taken away from you, and maybe that was right. But I don’t know really, maybe happiness means accepting what life can offer you, and to stop complaining on those things that’s not just meant for me. Contentment is the key, but the human nature demanded more than what we deserve. It always craves for more.

But, I wanna see a better version of me in the future and nothing else.

So if I’ll be able to live for another 5 years or more, I just wanna do things that I’d never done before. I wanna work the hardest to achieve my dreams, and do something grand for myself. I want to try stepping outside of my comfort zone and face all my fears with all my heart and soul. I wanted to do good. I wanted to do things that’s fun and I wanna go on an adventure of a lifetime. I wanna be nothing but be the better version of myself so I can prove to that one I love the most that I’m worthy of all her love and attention, of all the pieces of herself that she’s giving me.

I wanna be happy. Truly happy that sadness won’t have the chance to take a room in my heart, and finally leaves me for good, so I can be nothing but joyful.

Lastly, I wanna spend the rest of my days to that one I loved the most, and make her feel that everything she’d invested in me was nothing but worthy. That in our future self I will gave her nothing but a precious and a happy life she truly deserves. I wanna gave her a home where there are nothing inside of it, but love and peace. Something she can truly call her safe haven.

So dearest future self, if you’re reading this 5 years from now, I hope you’re incredibly happy. I hope you’re finally facing the world with your head up high, but humbly, kindly. I hope you’ve got the love, the life you truly deserve.

Sincerely,

Your past self, Aly