@akumagai 12 September 2022

Just living. It's a simple enough statement. I can't tell anyone here what I am feeling other than I am not in the best state of mind. I know I am feeling something because I go to bed with my stomach in a knot and I am not even breathing like I have eaten something off. I know I am being very evasive even though this is my writing and you are here to listen to my tale but just know... I am in limbo at the moment. I hate it when this feeling happens to me. Lets just all say I am finding it hard to now sing Goo Goo Dolls song 'Iris'. It is cutting into my very fiber... the melodrama is killing me. *When everything's made to be broken...* It's okay, just breathe they say. Everything will be OK. It takes two to create things and it takes just one to turn the other way and walk a different path to let things start to crumble. Again the melancholy... This is not what I had set out to do with this platform but its the only thing that is eating me now and I have to admit most of my happy posts will probably get all gloomy in the next few weeks so I will apologize now since I did make a point to myself of posting daily here. There is no amount of trying to find something to write about when everything I see will just probably die out in a vain attempt to paint a whole different kind of picture. Of course I will have a good moment where I can laugh but I always look back at Robin Williams and be reminded to just breath and sometimes not pretend to be happy all the time.

I just have to think back at this conversation and know I can still make it funny when I do find the occasion to get out of my dark clouded head. Its always disconcerting how I can just flip easily then slide back into the gloom brewing in my horizon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw Well I want to just say I hope I will continue with this writing goal of mine. Maybe my setting will probably even change completely. I will try to perk up in my next post, I will try. I can't promise but I will try. That is all I can do for now. I will leave this now because I think will just drown out my gloominess for a bit and see if I can either add to this later to maybe I will just keep going. After all my effort here is not something that requires me to go out of my way. I have been talking to some of my friends to get their feedback on how I am gloomy. Some have told me to seek help in case I have a mental breakdown. I really don't like writing like this since I think my pride and ego is affected severely. I can talk about it when I am speaking since I freely express how I am feeling and are able to withdraw just as quickly and smile to make myself look like I am all cool. I know it's not healthy I can really tell its now since when I am not distracted I am feeling the knot getting tighter and tighter. Wish I could just drink all the time so I can just crash out and burn so I don't have to think... Drown out the thoughts and just forget. Yeah I am afraid I will lose my grip of sanity... Just breathe... Everything will be alright... right...?