Change

The past few days have been pretty tough emotionally and I think, after a whole year, the pandemic-induced anxiety has gotten into me. The mental health is not at its best and the anxiety is at an all-time high.

It could also be because it is my birthmonth soon and I’m turning thirty and the lockdown has deprived me of a good send off of my 20’s and it just makes you want to reflect about the year that it has been, what has been accomplished and the what-not. Despite knowing that one should not compare your own growth to others and that we all have our own timezones, sometimes the mind has a mind of its own.

I get irritated easily knowing how I could have done better at this and that, and point is, I have never felt so lost in my life. I feel like I am only existing. Life went on to some and I am here, just here, not knowing what is to come.

Or so I thought.

Looking back, life’s not that bad.

I’ve managed to somehow tick off my long term plans’ list one by one.

Age is just a number — a universal truth. You can start and pursue your dreams whenever you feel like it and you have to realize that it is alright to not do it the same time that other people are achieving theirs. I always try to remind myself of this.

It will take a while for a tree to grow but what’s important is that the seed is already planted.

Financially, I am not earning much but I am earning enough and there’s a sense of stability, somehow. I still splurge on things and I am still as impulsive as ever, but in general I feel secured (with variable universal life (VUL) insurance policies and all) and I do get to save up.

Recently a dear friend got me hooked on crypto and it’s been a nice experience, earning little by little by doing things like writing and posting stuff (I have always wanted to pursue writing on the side and get paid but I rarely get clients on my online part-time sideline job).

I have a Coins account as early as 2015(?) but did not really know how to deal with such so I didn’t take it too seriously . And now, what a growth. A friend was able to cash out a huge amount ($260 USD) from her old account and that’s pretty amazing, really.

On another happy note, the lockdown has made me learn and explore new hobbies and I genuinely enjoy doing these activities:

1) Baking

I still have a lot to learn but I thoroughly enjoy baking. It is such a stress-reliever.

So I bought an air fryer oven and I’ve been using it to bake more than the actually air frying. I think it’s such a good purchase because we were able to utilize it well. So far I’ve tried baking burnt basque cheesecake, strawberry shortcake, sugar cookies, muffins, white Croatian bread and more recently, bread with yeast. It is such a good distraction from all the worries in my head, to be totally honest,

2) Crocheting

Learn the basics. YouTube tutorials. Bingo.

Me? My impatient arse really chose to try crocheting? Yes, I did. And surprisingly, I enjoyed it too. I have only done a square coaster and currently I am learning to do a round one. Stay tuned!

3) Playing musical instruments (Piano, ukulele and kalimba)

Music is something that is close to my heart.

I still don’t know how to read musical sheets but all I know is that I have sensitive hearing and I can easily determine whether someone’s singing out of tune or not.

I’ve learned a few piano pop tunes and still in the process of learning the kalimba. The ukelele is a gift from one of my friends and I’ve been practicing it, too. The key is to practice.

***

Work gets too busy and yet there’s this worrisome thought of not being able to live up to the expectations and that “I can never to anything correctly” kind of mentality. It’s hard when this strikes and I feel like breaking down. But then whenever I feel like I am at my lowest, He lifts me up and gets me through everything. I just need to believe more in the wisdom and the abilities that He’s given me. (Reminding myself of this every single day.)

There are still so many things to learn and one should not be too hard on themselves, I learned that in the hardest way.

Sometimes I let the Aries in me take charge of the situation and then I feel bad when I it gets too much (when I’m being grumpy and snappy).

I am still a work in progress and there’s just a lot that I need to process still. I pray and pray for more patience every day. I pray to change my wicked ways. I pray to change for the better and to learn more to embrace the now.

I realized (after everything that has happened/is still happening) that life... is a breeze.
Routine-y...

..but still enjoyable when you know where to look.