I woke up and check my time it 3:45am,it almost dawn. I look around and to see if anyone is still in the room because it my wedding day so no one is around. I go into deep thought of what the big day will be and the day after which took me to my past.
School days
I gained admission in October into a private university,I was so overwhelmed because it been three years after my Secondary school and all effort wasn't seems enough. The admission came in few days after my birthday. Oh I forgot to tell you,on the evening of my birthday my dad told me I must gain admission that year,firstly,no hope of gaining admission anymore because it already October and names were already shortlisted in the school I choose so I was so sad because I know It not possible. Few days after I got a message from jamb that have been offered admission in a private university,I find it hard to believe,I went online to confirm the name and location of the school and see if I can get the contact of any officials from the school. Luckily I was able to get the admission officer's number,I called the number and spoke with the person and was told it real. The message came in on Friday evening so I prepare myself on Saturday for a journey on Sunday.
I left lagos for ilorin early in the morning,I got to the park early but passengers aren't coming so I changed plan,went to ibadan Park and I was the last passenger needed. When I got to ibadan i boarded another bus going to ilorin from there when i got to the location i was told to highlight,i highlighted with a guy, unknown to the two both of us we are voing to the same place.
Let me fast forward it to second semester where the whole thing happened. I met a guy who ask me out,i felt so reluctant but the pressure was too much and because i dont have anyone I'm dating all my close friends then had who they are dating so they ignore me after school hours. We were together for a month before he started asking for sex,i rejected him because i have never had it before but to him i was lying. One thursday,he requested i bring food for him in his house,i was scared but her promise nothing will happen. I took the food to him and he forced himself on me. I was crying and pained,angry at thesame time,i hate him and hate myself,blamed myself for going to his house in the first place. Weeks gone,i started avoiding him,i overstayed in school,went to school so early so we wont have the chance of seeing,i now hate to see him because of the fear of having sex or been forced again. The next month,i discovered I'm feeling strange so i went to the hospital,to cut the long story short i was pregnant, haaaaaa how will i face my family,what will i tell them,I'm in my first year in school, no i cant. I called him and told him,he said i should keep it but i said no because of the fear of my parent. He agreed with me and we did the abortion and after it was successful we ended the relationship.
A year later,i met another guy who claim to love me,although I'm still not over the past incident but i love the new guy. "Why do guys like to force ladies to sex when we refuse them,must there be sex before you know love existed". I was raped this time again,i used contraceptive but to my surprise i was pregnant again,the guy said he didnt want the pregnancy,i cried out,how will i keep a child that has no father,he is a pharmacist so he gave me a drug to use. I make the same mistake the second time. After the abortion was successful he start giving excuse and left me. Since then men became air to me,i refuse to see any man,i hate men with passion,i fear relationship because of my past.
My fear come
Years pass I'm still single even after school. I got a good job and living okay but deep down I'm not living because i dont sleep at night because of the fear in my head. I sleep only 3-4hours at night. I overwork myself at work and get home late night since i dont have anything doing because i live alone.i don't have any friend. One sunday evening,i decided to visit my estate field because i was bored and i so much love football,so i decided to go to the field for the first time since i moved to the estate. Sat in a corner puting on my headset to avoid guys because i discover i was the only female on the field. The match was about to start when i got there,at half time i decided to get a snacks from the woman selling goods at the entrance, i so much love coaster biscuits so i bought it,the woman also sell bear so i told her to help pour a bottle of trophy in a plastic because she didn't have can. Unknown to me there was a young handsome man looking at me,well that's non of my business i dont care. I bought what i wanted to buy and left because the second half as started already. I sat down watching and enjoying the drink and snacks when the guy i saw earlier walk up to me. He ask to sit beside me and i told him it a public place so he sat. We watch the ball till it end,i stood up to leave when he insisted to walk me home. We exchanged contact and became friends.
A year and six months later he ask me out,at first i felt like no then later i accepted. We dated for 2years before he proposed and we went for introduction. Three months after the introduction comes our wedding. Now my conscience wont let me be. The fear of getting married to have sex. The fear of not been able to get pregnant. So many thought come in my head that make me want to cancel the wedding. Today is the day,how will i tell my husband to be about the part that make me cry and have sleepless night,how will i explain to my family if i am unable to conceive few months after the wedding,how will i tell my husband i dont like sex because we both agreed not to have sex before marriage.
When you meet someone and you both love eachother do not hesitate to tell him/her your deepest secret because if he/she later get to know it will destroy the relationship. I'm taking my fear into my marriage because I was scared if I have told him about it early he won't marry me but now I am getting married with fear that I unfortunately I can't conceive and we visit the hospital and we were told I can't conceive this will break my marriage and everything about my life is finish.
