You're so lazy!

When I was a child , my mother keeps on telling me that I am lazy , they even told our neighborhood and relatives that I am lazy and it's seems that she was so proud on spreading that without thinking about what I feel. Until now that I have my own family I still heard that kind of words to her and I become so used to it and didn't bother when I heard her saying it. I just smiled and said it's okay but deep inside it still hurts me.

I don't really know if lazy is that right word for it but I want to tell you why I become lazy as per my mother accused me.

I am not lazy , actually I tried to help her on the household chores when I was a child but when I am trying to help her she always humiliated me and told me that I cannot do it and let her do that. When I do a household chores without her concern and after a minute she saw it and it's not good she will yell at me and told me that I am not good at cleaning , I only clean the outside and not clean the entire house and as a child it's marks on my mind that I am worthless. I am not good enough. The painful part is she always compared me to my cousin who was in the same age of mine. She always compared and told me why you didn't be like her.

Since then , I decided not to do household chores in the house even if she called me lazy always. I choose to called me lazy rather that put my efforts into something then she will not appreciate it after. Until now that I have a family and I still live here at our house I didn't help her because of that reason. I only clean our room that's all. My father knows about it and infact my father is also like that. I mean every action of my father , my mother has something to say. It's like that she's the queen of the house and she knows everything and she was the cleanest person in the world.

She always compared me to other people and never realized that's she's my mother and the way I grew up was her responsibility as a parent. It hurts me when she always told me that I have no good things to do. That what I know is that to used cellphone everyday. That even my own child can't take care off well. All of my pains and sadness is hidden and I am not speaking towards her. I choose to keep quiet and think that one day I can proved to her that I will be a good mother and I will not repeat what she did to me. I will not let my son experienced being degraded by her own mother.

Those fears of mine became my traits even in other home. I lived in my Aunt for 3 years and I am afraid to clean the house without her permission. I know that I have to do that because I am only living there because of their kindness and I want to give something in return but my fear became more big than my wants. I know my Aunt thought of the same thinking like my mother even if she's not saying it.

My other Aunt also told my mother when I was a child. Maybe she's not lazy , maybe cleaning the house is not her forte and she's more on studying like my daughter but my mother insisted that I am lazy and she said it infront of me. My Aunt said that someday your daughter will learn that just guide her but my mother never did. Instead of teaching me and encouraging me to do better , she's the one who discouraged me and told me that I am not enough. To he honest , those has a big impact with regards of my confidence outside the house. I have a lot of regrets because I didn't reached anything because my thinking is I am not enough.

I know its all in the past but thinking about it is still a pain in my heart. It was a sad moment of my childhood and a hindrance on my development when I am growing up. All those years , I believed that I am not good because that what's she planted on my mind.

Now that's she gone ( not passed away ) . All her responsibilities were transferred to me. From being a confidant to my father , from being a mom to my siblings and a grandmother to his/her grandchildren that makes me so frustrated because I don't know if I can do it well but I have no choice because no one will do it.

A couple of days ago , I talked to one of her friend and I found out that I am right, she still telling her friends about me. Her friends didn't believed her in the first place because they know me. I am not a bad child and her friend told me that my parents is blessed to have me because I am not like the other.

Now , the child that she always accused lazy is now the one who perform her responsibilities. The one who called her " not good enough" is the one who fixed and taking care of all her problems here.

This is not the article I will going to write but like the old time I ended up writing this and because I got carried away it already formed of an article.