@Yen 18 April 2022 more from that month

This is not the life I have dreamed of. As of this typing I really just want to disappear. I am really exhausted physical and mentally and I can't handle this anymore. Earlier I slapped the face of my son. Malakas , matunog. He is crying but I don't care because I was crying too. I was really tired of doing house hold chores even if I'm not feeling well. I have a headache . My jaw is also painful. I am experiencing shoulder pain since last night and I am scared with these feeling on my body. I am scared that one day my body will give up. It is so hard to fight on the battle and you are alone. It's hard to fight when you really can't. Every other day my husband and I had a fight because of the issue on the both family and it is not healthy anymore to our relationship. I know it's will not end until we decide on where we will going to leave.

After I had my enjoyment with my college friends last Friday my stress relieved and I have a light feeling but when reality hits me again facing the same routine my head became in pain again. Last Saturday night my father asked me " ***let's go swimming***. That's one of the reason why my anxiety triggered again. I said I don't want to go on the swimming and then he leave our room then he went to my sister and he said " ***pangarap ko talaga na makapag swimming tayong pamilya e.***

I remain strong and never show to my father that I was sad with those words. I know how he really wants to have a happy family but let's face the reality that we are not happy anymore and we are not complete. Our neighborhood has a family outing and us? We only stayed on the house. On the Sunday morning he asked me let's buy Jolibee nalang for the kids and I go to them so that he will not be sad. We buy one bucket of chicken and spaghetti. Since I had a hang over last Saturday I can't able to clean the house and yesterday is my sister's rest day. I am still feeling well yesterday because of acidity and I didn't go outside and stay in the room. I got stress early in the morning because there's a lot of household chores in the house and yet shes having a video call with her boyfriend. Nagsabog ako Bes and heard it. I clean out house but I didn't not wash the dishes and I didn't clean the kitchen.

I was stress because I am tired everyday and she can only help me on her rest day. One thing that makes me stress every morning is my niece. She wake me up early in the morning just to said that she will poop. So pagkagising ko tae kaagad bubungad sa Umaga ko. Gigising ako sa Umaga para maghugas ng tae. Though it is not the fault of my niece but I am annoyed. Then last night I am ranting again on my husband because my shoulder was painful and I saw it's because of stress and he asked me how to rid of stress and I said to leave this house. Then he said then let's leave. I answered him where do we go when we leave here? He said in my in-laws house. Are you sure I will not be stress there? Then he said I am the one who will stress there not you. Paano mo nasabi? He said it's not my responsibility to take good care of my mother inlaw when we are there. Like seriously? Titira ko dun tapos diko aasikasuhin byenan ko? Sino mapupulaan don? Then our conversation end to fighting. He already sleep even if he will massage me talaga .

I woke up this morning with headache again and shoulder pain. I really don't know what will happened next but like what I said to my bestfriend Sana Mahal nyo padin ako kahit baliw nako because I make myday on my Facebook so that they can read it at sana makonsensya sila. Haha. Until now I am not okay. Feeling ko I have a fever but I need to be strong kahit ayoko na.